Hi, I'm Jeffrey and I am kind of afraid to post as I am afraid to be labeled.

I may be long winded, but that is just because I am focused on sharing and because I feel so alone in NYC.

I have severe memory issues, truth is, I may not remember writing this tomorrow. Though I don't remember, I had a brain concussion in 1984 while in the military in West Berlin. I only found out about it when I received my military medical records about 3 months ago. It is noted that I was knocked out for over 5 minutes. I was also mugged, but I cannot remember the decade it happened in, I guess it was the 1990s'.

Thoughout the years I was diagnosised with everything from bipolar to major depression. I am far more stoic than depressed, more indifferent.

This year, my doctor diagnosised with with a TBI (before I got my military records), and I am followed by a PM&R TBI specialist. I am currently on 10 medications, including Aricept and Provigual.

I do not remember my past. Yes, some times things pop up and I go, "wow, that is cool, I remember that" but for most part, I am blank. I forget what my mother looked like on mother's day.

At the job, I was an ADPAC for a radiology department until 2 years ago where, if anyone knows government pay grades, I requested a pay drop from a GS-11 to a GS-7. I have always been 'smart', I have written two books in the past, but something kicked in a couple years ago where I couldn't hide the memory problem, and now I lose days.

I have had many MRIs and CTs which are unremarkable (I resent that), but I did do neuropsych testing which presented itself to lead to a TBI.

I ask my doctor every time I see him if it could be altzhemiers instead, but they say the reason of my personalility change, my memory and congitive problems, are because of the head injuries.

I see a psychologist every week, a psychiatrist every 2 weeks, a PM&R doctor every 3-4 weeks, so I am well taken care of.

My life is going to work, going home, hiding from the world, rinse, repeat.

I have a service dog (a psychiatric trained dog, a toy poodle who is laying on my thigh at this moment: Chloe) and was offered a two-year trained Lab. I turned down the Lab but they said I could always have one if things get worse.

Problem is, I look normal, but I have so many problems. I am able to fake my way through work, basically excel spreadsheets which at one time I was an expert at.

My bosses knows, and I work for the Chief of Staff at the hospital.

I guess my problem is I am so lonely, I know that some time soon I will just be looking at a wall and enjoying it. Today at work, I was just staring at my monitor and all I thought was, "I miss my puppy"

Have I lost it? I know I can type, like I said, the IQ is still there, but what do I do?

Jeffrey,

Sorry for your predicament and the reason you have come to NT. Believe me, it is the right place for you.

Your story sounds a lot like mine. My first concussion was in 1965. Followed by many minor head impacts that never were symptomatic of a concussion. Then, in 1995, I did suffer a moderate concussion that required that I rest and recover for about 15 minutes before I could return to my task. Another minor concussion in 1999 from an assault and then, in 2001, I made a bad step off a curb and jarred my body from pelvis to head.

Suddenly, my life changed. My prior skills at recovering from a head bump were meaningless. My memory functions were suddenly drastically damaged.

Currently, I have very poor visual and auditory memory (bottom 5 to 12% of population) I cannot remember past time periods. I remember the events but do not remember when they happened. Chronological order is non-existent in my brain.

My processing speed is at the 10% level so I am easily overwhelmed by stimuli. I have to be very careful about entering a over-stimulating environment (the mall, a noisy restaurant, etc.)

As you are, I still am highly intelligent. It allows me to appear to be normal, until one of my dysfunctions become evident. I used to build computers from parts, including all of the specific settings needed to make them function. Now, It is all I can do to just keep them running. Trying to follow complicated directions is problematic, even disabling, requiring a prolonged period of recovery.

So, yes, I know what you are going through. I am only on two meds plus a regimen of high potency/dosage vitamins and supplements. The supplements I take make a huge difference in my function.

I understand the stoic characteristic you mention. Sometimes, for me, it becomes apathy too.

One thing I have learned is to not hide from my condition. If others know just enough, they are usually very accommodating. My biggest problems are receiving information. Once I have received it and logged it into some sense of understanding, I can use it. Usually, it takes many repetitions for me to keep the information in memory.

It appears that you have already developed some accommodations. Your stoic style is one. You have likely accepted your condition to some extent. I don't know if you have developed any work-arounds to deal with your dysfunctions. I have many. Without them, I would not be very functional. With them, I am high functioning.

You state that you may not remember writing your post tomorrow. I need the text on the screen to remember what I am writing. When I reread my post before submitting it, I may find that I have repeated myself.

I am concerned about whether you are being over-medicated versus providing your brain with better nutrition so that you can function without some of the meds. Your stoic style may also be a result of your meds. Some meds tend to flatten out emotion and response.

My Neuro-psych reports have diagnosed me as schizoid personality disorder (lacking in need or desire or ability for personal contacts). I think this is a self protection mechanism that is learned and reinforced by the physiological damage. You may also have this characteristic.

Have you connected with any TBI support groups? This is a good place to connect with others. Your PM&R physician likely has other patients who participate in one. They are very beneficial. Most are more directed at people who were comatose and needed extensive rehab and still do not have full motor control. My PCS with high function allows me to understand them from the inside, if you know what I mean. You likely have lots to contribute to a support group.

You have not told us much about yourself beside your memory issues. Feel free and safe to tell us about your struggles. You are with friends.

Hope this helps.

My best to you.

hi jeff

I was in west Berlin in 1984 at new year drinking muldwine on the roof of the American military hospital, I was there visiting a friend. my very distant memory has improved, like I can now recall things when I was 3 or 4, that I could not recall before my injury . but not at will, they just pop into my head, but since my injury I live in the now,

you are not alone, try to get involved in something,anything, this group is a good place to start, and all are most welcome

Hi everyone. Thanks for the posts. vini, I am sure we were both in West Berlin in 1984; strange world.

Mike, I will have to say you seem a lot more outgoing than I am (and that is a good thing). I hide from the world because I expect bad people to react badly, this is one way my personality changed. Before the head injury I had, I was a military policeman and a lot more out going.

I get my treatment at the VA medical center and the problem with that is I do not see others with my problems in my age group so it is hard to relate.

Tonight I have a sleep study at NYU, I already am worrying about my puppy being alone at day.

Yesterday I was having trouble speaking as I couldn't get the right words out of my mouth? Does that happen to anyone. Then I panic'ed and emailed my boss and vented to him, I am sure he didn't want to hear it but he is really understanding.

I filed a claim with the VA and I am worried what is going to happen; if they give me a high disability % then I will not be allowed to work. As a shut-in, that could be a bad thing. The positive would be my medical and dental coverage will be taken care of for life and I will get a check to survive. If they low ball my disability then what happens if I get worse? I mean it takes so many medications just for me to function as I am now, and I am starting to forget things I did yesterday, however, I do not forget everything.

That brings up a question? How can I forget so much, but then remmeber something random. Example, I have no clue what I ate for lunch 2 days ago, HOWEVER, I know Lucille Ball was on the I Love Lucy show. Both are memory. Another example, I do not remember any of my time in the military and in West Berlin, HOWEVER I know the wall was up in Berlin when I was there.

I wish someone could explain this to me, but I don't have a lot of hope. If you can explain this somehow, please go slow, my reading ability is a lot worse than I typing ability.

Well, thanks everyone for your time and I hope to see a reply soon.

Jeffrey

Jeffrey,

Memory has many different functions. There is long term memory: Lucille ball and the I Love Lucy Show. Short Term or Intermediate memory: what you had for breakfast. And Immediate memory, what I just typed or someone just said.

Long term memory is well established and hard to damage. In fact, as other memory functions decline, often long term memories become more readily available. Long term muscle memory helps people do movements when their cognitive functions may be absent.

Of the Short and Immediate Term memory functions, you have an auditory and visual part. Immediate and Short term memory are combined into working memory. This combination is the most frequently injured in brain injuries, especially concussion or diffuse axonal injuries.

One of the ways working memory breaks down is by the central switchboard of the brain failing to work properly. The part of the brain that acts like a central switchboard has to gate information to the proper memory and processing areas. The information may not be gated to the proper channels or may be allowed to flow unrestricted with no 'speed control' or 'filtering' of extraneous information.

The failure in the gating mechanism is what makes many PCS subjects easily overloaded by stimuli. For example, my neuro says that in my brain, the incoming processing is working at 25% of normal power. My frontal lobes work very fast Up to 10 times faster than a normal brain. This creates a lack of synchronicity between the two areas. To make matters worse, the gating function is all messed up. It results in a "can't get there from here" problem. I can present information very well but I can not intake information very well.

More on this later if you have more questions.

My best to you.

I guess I do have some more questions? My long-term memory is my biggest problem, I went to NYU but do not remember going to classes, but I have an id card with my picture on it from NYU. I do not remember being in the army, but I have pictures of me in the Army AIT yearbook.

Those are long term memory problems. Though to bring I Love Lucy back, I cannot recall anything from the show, but my mind knows it existed.

I hope I am clear, I have a problem keeping on subjuct.

Question is: How can some long term memory be gone but not everything?

I know what my dad looks like but did know who my mom was on mother's day (granted i haven't seen her in a long time before, but still, its my mom).

And since it is getting worse, is there going to be a time soon some day when I will be entertained by just staring at a wall (my worse fear)?

Again, thanks for you help, Mark. I hope someone has some insight.

Jeffrey