[July63]

Hi, I'm Jeffrey and I am kind of afraid to post as I am afraid to be labeled.

I may be long winded, but that is just because I am focused on sharing and because I feel so alone in NYC.

I have severe memory issues, truth is, I may not remember writing this tomorrow. Though I don't remember, I had a brain concussion in 1984 while in the military in West Berlin. I only found out about it when I received my military medical records about 3 months ago. It is noted that I was knocked out for over 5 minutes. I was also mugged, but I cannot remember the decade it happened in, I guess it was the 1990s'.

Thoughout the years I was diagnosised with everything from bipolar to major depression. I am far more stoic than depressed, more indifferent.

This year, my doctor diagnosised with with a TBI (before I got my military records), and I am followed by a PM&R TBI specialist. I am currently on 10 medications, including Aricept and Provigual.

I do not remember my past. Yes, some times things pop up and I go, "wow, that is cool, I remember that" but for most part, I am blank. I forget what my mother looked like on mother's day.

At the job, I was an ADPAC for a radiology department until 2 years ago where, if anyone knows government pay grades, I requested a pay drop from a GS-11 to a GS-7. I have always been 'smart', I have written two books in the past, but something kicked in a couple years ago where I couldn't hide the memory problem, and now I lose days.

I have had many MRIs and CTs which are unremarkable (I resent that), but I did do neuropsych testing which presented itself to lead to a TBI.

I ask my doctor every time I see him if it could be altzhemiers instead, but they say the reason of my personalility change, my memory and congitive problems, are because of the head injuries.

I see a psychologist every week, a psychiatrist every 2 weeks, a PM&R doctor every 3-4 weeks, so I am well taken care of.

My life is going to work, going home, hiding from the world, rinse, repeat.

I have a service dog (a psychiatric trained dog, a toy poodle who is laying on my thigh at this moment: Chloe) and was offered a two-year trained Lab. I turned down the Lab but they said I could always have one if things get worse.

Problem is, I look normal, but I have so many problems. I am able to fake my way through work, basically excel spreadsheets which at one time I was an expert at.

My bosses knows, and I work for the Chief of Staff at the hospital.

I guess my problem is I am so lonely, I know that some time soon I will just be looking at a wall and enjoying it. Today at work, I was just staring at my monitor and all I thought was, "I miss my puppy"

Have I lost it? I know I can type, like I said, the IQ is still there, but what do I do?