[njgirl197329]

will I ever be whole again
by NJGirl
1. On 12-10-08 my world literally flipped upside down. Though most of my details are foggy I can tell you that I was driving along a highway about to pay a toll when an 18 wheeler decided to make an illegal uturn to avoid the toll booth. Like I said most of the accident is foggy but I remember thinking I was probably going to die and then I remember a whole lot of spinning. so the facts are that I hit the mac truck head on and the force of that hit sent me spinning, hitting the truck a few more times until I landed on the opposite side of the highway. After impact I don’t remember anything though the reports say I was found along side the car or what was left of the car and I was quite coherent, I even have been told I had numerous conversations with the ems and police not that I can remember. Needless to say I was rushed to the hospital where they did a few xrays of my hand, knee, stomach, foot and chest. Never once was I checked for a head trauma, funny because you hear mac truck and car and one would think head trauma is looming in the distance. whatever the reason they didn’t check me and I was sent home. I fell asleep and woke up to what would be a never-ending nightmare of epic proportions. I awoke vomiting and just disoriented, very fuzzy like I was in a fog. I’m sure u have guessed by now what’s coming I have a closed head injury also known as a TBI. Thankfully the second hospital I was rushed to at least did a cat scan to confirm my head injury. These are my injuries because someone didnt have toll money and decided to make a u-turn. I have been diagnosed with diffuse axonal injury which is a tearing of the web around your brain, TBI (traumatic brain injury), loss of peripheral vision in both eyes, loss of depth perception in both eyes, a separated left shoulder, injuries to neck, back, knee, torn labrum of the hip which was surgically repaired, foot injury, migraine headaches, insomnia, short-term memory loss, reading and math deficits, social withdrawal, depression, mood disorder and a plethora of other injuries and symptoms. Now all those symptoms aside I am one lucky girl and I know it. Unfortunately knowing I’m lucky doesn’t lessen the pain of losing the old me and the majority of my friends and family.I sure did learn the lesson that people can be very cruel when you’re in need of help and support. Since 12-10-08 I have been retired from my profession that I spent most of my life trying to get, I struggle with pain and injuries daily and because I was working at the time of the accident I had the horrible experience of Workman’s comp. I don’t know what its like to go through your car insurance for your injuries but I sure know how degrading Workman’s comp will treat you. It took them 1 full year to approve my hip surgery and don’t you know now I have even more permanent damage then I would have because I was forced to walk on an injured limb for a year, of course that doesn’t even compare to how they spoke to me and treated me. As a matter of fact I think we have more humane laws for animals then how I was treated and all because I drew the bad luck card that day and had a mac truck hit me. I have to say the hardest part, and all physical injuries aside is healing from the head injury. Some days I feel like my brain is on a different level then my body and nothing is in sync, and the depression sure doesn’t help. I think half of the depression is from the loss of me, the me I was used to for 34 years, the me that loved to smile, the me that loved to laugh, the me that ran 6 miles a day and ate raw vegan food and was a health nut, the me that loved roses and knickknacks. In my mind I can pin point the exact second I Lost that girl .Now I’m a me that never smiles, is never happy, is always in pain, the me that can’t exercise like I did because of so many injuries, the me that has to eat meat because who knows why, the me that doesn’t feel anything for anyone and the me that cries all the time. Most days I want to run away and be free but really I just want to run away from me. I’m struggling to build a new me, a better me , a me that will be whole again, happy again. I know she exist but I sure can’t find her and man o man have I searched. You know people have all these opinions and they tell me things like 2 yrs in TBI world is early and there’s still time to get better, I sure don’t feel like this is a short time period its seems like I have been dealing with this forever almost to the point where nothing else even exists. I yearn for the day to be whole again to feel human again to not feel betrayed by my own mind and body. That said I do try to live in the positive as much as I can, for one because whats my alternative and two I am a fighter and a SURVIVOR and I have to believe I will conquer this mountain eventually.

[PCSLearner]

Welcome to this forum. Wow...I'm so sorry to hear all that you've been through. Telling you that 2 years to heal from a TBI is a "short" time frame just seems ridiculous. And I agree with you...as a non-medical person I would assume someone who had been ejected from her vehicle following impact with a Mack truck should be screened for head injury. Geez.

Did you have any rehabilitation for your TBI?

There are three things that seem to get missed very often for MTBI or TBI patients:

Ambient vision system
Vestibular system
Hormone/Adrenal/Pituitary systems

These three are relatively easy to test for and, from my research, are usually treatable to a certain degree. Visits to an ENT, a NORA-certified optometrist, and an endochronologist may be necessary.

I don't have any magic words of advice, I wish I did. Just know that there are some very caring, knowledgeable people here who can offer support and advice for your consideration.

[vini]

welcome nj girl
sorry you are going through this I know pretty much ,how you are feeling,

getting good advice early on can only help but so often we donot

recovery is very slow with a head injury, so leaning to be patent with your self is not that easy

getting help from people with experience and helping those around you, to understand what has happened to you , will all help you and them to adjust

Time ! and recovery are one and the same there is every chance you will recover much of what, you feel is missing now, I struggle to find that missing part 3 years on and mistreatment by friends ,work mates and the state can gnaw at you

welcome to our online group nt is full of good people, please post the problems you encounter, we will help all we can

[Mark in Idaho]

Jersey girl,

Wow, sorry to hear about your struggles. I know how frustrating Workers Comp can be. I lost my appeal for coverage for my head injury in 2001. Now, I have to depend on Social Security Disability.

You have lots of issues we can discuss. As Learner said, getting hormone, vestibular and vision checked are easy and important. There are many other things that people on this forum can help you with.

It will help us if you post in short paragraphs. Many of us struggle to read text, especially if it has too many continuous lines. About 5 or 6 lines per paragraph seems to work best for most of us.

Try to tell us about your individual symptoms and struggles. Someone here will have experience with the same issue.

Most of the improvement from TBI/mTBI in the early days is from learning how to work with your symptoms. This allows you to lower your stress levels which helps your brain heal. Your brain needs a stress free environment plus good sleep and nutrition to heal.

Eating meat has a benefit of amino acids that are specific to meat that the brain needs. Do a search on this forum for nutrition or vitamins and you will find a lot of information. B6, B12, folate, omega3's, D3, all of the anti-oxidants, are in great need by a damaged brain. Think of your brain as a toxic waste dump from all of the damage and stress. It needs good nutrition to help flush out the bad stuff.

Keep on keeping on. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

Get a copy of Dr Glen Johnson's TBI survival Guide at http://www.drakecenter.com/file.axd?...vivalGuide.pdf

or your can view it online chapter by chapter at www.tbiguide.com. Dr Johnson does this as a free service to the TBI community. Any small donation to help him with his web site costs are appreciated.

There are many of us who have years of experience with mTBI. I have a lifetime of experience since my first serious concussion in 1965.

Everything you said about your accident makes sense. You response to the EMS people that you don't remember is normal. The concussed brain does not store information very well, especially shortly after the impact.

Your experience with doctors also is not uncommon. We are the invisible walking wounded. If we complain to the doctors, they say it is all in our heads. They don't realize how right they are.

More later.

My best to you.

[ginnie]

dear whole person. You have been through alot, and I have no idea how I would react if I had been hit by mac truck. Sometimes life hands us lousy things. There are alot of people who relate to that. Most of the people I have met on this site have been through some of life's worst illnesses too. All of us are changed by the experiences we endure. Sometimes we cannot be the person we were before eithor like you. I had a 30 year career, I cried for years because I can't do it anymore. I can relate to how very different your life can be. You are still a whole person, evolving, enduring, and I can see that you are trying very hard to cope. Keep involved with this site if you can. There are lots of caring people who can keep in touch with you. You are not alone, and there will be people who will care. I wish I had the words to comfort you.ginnie

[MarileeG]

Hi NJ Girl,

I can only imagine all that you've been through. I'm so sorry for all the pain, sadness and the difficult time you've had since the accident.

As you're probably seeing already this forum is a great place to both find and give support, encouragement and helpful information to consider for your treatement and to help you get better and come to find that new you that you've been seeking.

I've learned more here than I have from all the doctors, therapists, healthcare pforessionsals combined.

Welcome to the group. Remember, you're not alone. You're in my thoughts and prayers today.

MarileeG

Originally Posted by njgirl197329

will I ever be whole again
by NJGirl
1. On 12-10-08 my world literally flipped upside down. Though most of my details are foggy I can tell you that I was driving along a highway about to pay a toll when an 18 wheeler decided to make an illegal uturn to avoid the toll booth. Like I said most of the accident is foggy but I remember thinking I was probably going to die and then I remember a whole lot of spinning. so the facts are that I hit the mac truck head on and the force of that hit sent me spinning, hitting the truck a few more times until I landed on the opposite side of the highway. After impact I don’t remember anything though the reports say I was found along side the car or what was left of the car and I was quite coherent, I even have been told I had numerous conversations with the ems and police not that I can remember. Needless to say I was rushed to the hospital where they did a few xrays of my hand, knee, stomach, foot and chest. Never once was I checked for a head trauma, funny because you hear mac truck and car and one would think head trauma is looming in the distance. whatever the reason they didn’t check me and I was sent home. I fell asleep and woke up to what would be a never-ending nightmare of epic proportions. I awoke vomiting and just disoriented, very fuzzy like I was in a fog. I’m sure u have guessed by now what’s coming I have a closed head injury also known as a TBI. Thankfully the second hospital I was rushed to at least did a cat scan to confirm my head injury. These are my injuries because someone didnt have toll money and decided to make a u-turn. I have been diagnosed with diffuse axonal injury which is a tearing of the web around your brain, TBI (traumatic brain injury), loss of peripheral vision in both eyes, loss of depth perception in both eyes, a separated left shoulder, injuries to neck, back, knee, torn labrum of the hip which was surgically repaired, foot injury, migraine headaches, insomnia, short-term memory loss, reading and math deficits, social withdrawal, depression, mood disorder and a plethora of other injuries and symptoms. Now all those symptoms aside I am one lucky girl and I know it. Unfortunately knowing I’m lucky doesn’t lessen the pain of losing the old me and the majority of my friends and family.I sure did learn the lesson that people can be very cruel when you’re in need of help and support. Since 12-10-08 I have been retired from my profession that I spent most of my life trying to get, I struggle with pain and injuries daily and because I was working at the time of the accident I had the horrible experience of Workman’s comp. I don’t know what its like to go through your car insurance for your injuries but I sure know how degrading Workman’s comp will treat you. It took them 1 full year to approve my hip surgery and don’t you know now I have even more permanent damage then I would have because I was forced to walk on an injured limb for a year, of course that doesn’t even compare to how they spoke to me and treated me. As a matter of fact I think we have more humane laws for animals then how I was treated and all because I drew the bad luck card that day and had a mac truck hit me. I have to say the hardest part, and all physical injuries aside is healing from the head injury. Some days I feel like my brain is on a different level then my body and nothing is in sync, and the depression sure doesn’t help. I think half of the depression is from the loss of me, the me I was used to for 34 years, the me that loved to smile, the me that loved to laugh, the me that ran 6 miles a day and ate raw vegan food and was a health nut, the me that loved roses and knickknacks. In my mind I can pin point the exact second I Lost that girl .Now I’m a me that never smiles, is never happy, is always in pain, the me that can’t exercise like I did because of so many injuries, the me that has to eat meat because who knows why, the me that doesn’t feel anything for anyone and the me that cries all the time. Most days I want to run away and be free but really I just want to run away from me. I’m struggling to build a new me, a better me , a me that will be whole again, happy again. I know she exist but I sure can’t find her and man o man have I searched. You know people have all these opinions and they tell me things like 2 yrs in TBI world is early and there’s still time to get better, I sure don’t feel like this is a short time period its seems like I have been dealing with this forever almost to the point where nothing else even exists. I yearn for the day to be whole again to feel human again to not feel betrayed by my own mind and body. That said I do try to live in the positive as much as I can, for one because whats my alternative and two I am a fighter and a SURVIVOR and I have to believe I will conquer this mountain eventually.

[ShellyK]

NJ Girl,
I am so sorry for what you have gone through. I wanted to recommend two books to you: Brainlash by Gail L. Denton, PhD., and Coping with Mild Traumatic Brain Injury by Diane Roberts Stoler, EdD., and Barbara Albers Hill.

The two women who wrote the books suffered through MBTI and are helping others who are dealing with the many problems that come from it. I have turned to those books often in the ten months since my injury.

There are days that are so frustrating. But don't give up hope. One of the things that helped me with migraine headaches was cranial sacral therapy. I think that another member wrote about it today. You need to find someone who is good at it.

Also, something that I learned in a headache class that I took is to use an ice pack on the back of the head as soon as you feel a migraine coming on - or you can even use the ice pack preventatively.

In other words, you can use it every morning for 15 minutes and every evening for 15 minutes. There is something about the ice stopping the cycle of the pain. I don't really remember the exact explanation, but I know that whenever I am woken up in the middle of the night by an awful headache the first thing I reach for is my ice pack.

Also, a really good "ice pack" is a bag of frozen green peas put in a ziploc bag and wrapped in a thin towel.

There's lots more that I could write, but I am tired, and I need to stop.
I wish that you find the support that you need to keep on healing. This group has been like a godsend to me. Read through the posts. You will find lots of helpful information.

Take care of yourself.
ShellyK

[Concussed Scientist]

Hi NJ Girl,

Thank you for sharing your story.

Wow. What a lot you've been through. I'm so sorry that you have had such a struggle. Having a brain injury as got to be one of the most unpleasant things that can happen to a person.

It sure sounds like you could use a bit of help from someone. It is so tough surviving a brain injury let alone getting it, not to mention all the other non-medical stuff that you have to deal with, like money, job, friends and family, how you are going to live, stuff that you didn't have to think about before.

Is there anyone out there that could help you out with all the sorting out? I'm British and there is a good brain injury organisation in the UK, Headway. If you could find some such organisation in the U.S. where someone could help you out a bit, it might take some of the pressure off so that it isn't such a struggle for you.

I didn't really understand why only Workman's Comp and not car insurance? Can't you have both? Sue Mac for damages. Surely they have enough money and won't want bad publicity. There must be no-win-no-fee lawyers who will do this for you. It is hard to deal with all that fallout of the accident by yourself.

I have a TBI from similar, but not as bad, car accident, which was also entirely down to someone else's stupidity. I know that just dealing with the legal side, and all the medical examinations etc. is a drain on your energy.
There are so many things that need to be sorted out. My strategy was not to try to do everything at once, which just gets overwhelming. So, I just pick one thing at a time and try to deal with that, so that things are at least moving in the right direction, and then I take a rest.

If it helps at all: It is now three years since my accident and I am definitely better than I was two years after - more energy, milder headaches, not dizzy - so you can still improve.

I hope that you can find some nice people who will help you out a bit.

I wish you all the best and energy for the journey that you are on.
It's a tough one, but sometime in the future you are going to smile again.

CS