[parraline5750]

I am now 13 months+ into this nightmare. At the end of July, I broke up with an amazing woman I had been seeing since the previous October. I wasn't happy, and it was starting to really ruin the experience. The constant headache had really begun to wear on me, and the closer I got to the mythical 1 year mark where the problems I have seem to be irreversible, the more anxiety and stress seemed to weigh on me.
She was always such a positive person, and my negative attitude, mood swings and feeling of hopelessness were passed onto her, and I could tell it was a burden for her everytime I would snap, or just break into tears whenever the slightest argument came up. We would disagree over something, and I couldn't just let it go, the anxiety would tear me up. I was never able to really communicate for fear of her getting to really know how messed up inside I was, and she would leave. Eventually it was too much, I was overwhelmed, and thought it would be kinder to her and easier on me to go this alone. She told me she still loved me, but I just couldn't get over the idea that just about everything was hopeless, and withdrew.
I was doing okay until about 2 weeks ago, when I took a soccer ball to the side of my head, not a terribly hard blow, that brought me back to essentially the level of headache I was at a year ago. The past two weeks have been some of the darkest of my life. I feel like I am on the verge of tears all the time. I have never honestly thought that this life just isn't worth it until now.
She was the most loving and caring person, and I threw it away. I am just wondering if anyone else's love has disintegrated before their eyes because of their symptoms. I don't know what to do. There is a giant part of me that is crying out to do something to get her back, and the logical side sometimes says "go fix yourself first." I just don't think she will still be there when I am somewhat recovered from all this. I am trying to find a psychologist to talk to, and work on the anxiety, emotions, guilt and everything else. If anyone has experienced this horrendous level of self doubt, please help me.

[parraline5750]

I realized that the original was hard to read for some, but I can't edit my posts for some reason. Please read the following. Sorry.

I am now 13 months+ into this nightmare. At the end of July, I broke up with an amazing woman I had been seeing since the previous October. I wasn't happy, and it was starting to really ruin the experience. The constant headache had really begun to wear on me, and the closer I got to the mythical 1 year mark where the problems I have seem to be irreversible, the more anxiety and stress seemed to weigh on me.

She was always such a positive person, and my negative attitude, mood swings and feeling of hopelessness were passed onto her, and I could tell it was a burden for her everytime I would snap, or just break into tears whenever the slightest argument came up. We would disagree over something, and I couldn't just let it go, the anxiety would tear me up. I was never able to really communicate for fear of her getting to really know how messed up inside I was, and she would leave. Eventually it was too much, I was overwhelmed, and thought it would be kinder to her and easier on me to go this alone. She told me she still loved me, but I just couldn't get over the idea that just about everything was hopeless, and withdrew.

I was doing okay until about 2 weeks ago, when I took a soccer ball over the left eye, not a terribly hard blow, that brought me back to essentially the level of headache I was at a year ago. The scariest part of the incident to me is that I never even saw it coming. Like there is something wrong with my vision/tracking. I never had a problem with that in the last year.

I have had to tell my friends that I don't think I can play soccer anymore. I have played this games since I was 5 years old. I don't think I can in good conscious race a motorcycle any longer due to this new fear about my vision and reaction times. The past two weeks have been some of the darkest of my life. I feel like I am on the verge of tears all the time. I have never honestly thought that this life just isn't worth it until now. Please spare me your comments about how giving up these activities is "for the greater good" and "this is the rest of your life you're dealing with." I get it. I am terrified. Everyone comments on these things in here like it is the easiest thing in the world to give up the things you love.

She was the most loving and caring person, and I threw it away. I wanted so desperately to be someone that I'm not anymore. I can't come to grips with this broken person that I am now. What kind of man cries all the time about nothing? Why would she want to be with me like that? I'm not the confident, funny, fun person I was last winter, and I have no idea where that person went, or how to find him again.

I am just wondering if anyone else's love has disintegrated before their eyes because of their symptoms. I don't know what to do. There is a giant part of me that is crying out to do something to get her back, and the logical side sometimes says "go fix yourself first." I just don't think she will still be there when I am somewhat recovered from all this. I am trying to find a psychologist to talk to, and work on the anxiety, emotions, guilt and everything else. If anyone has experienced this horrendous level of self doubt, please help me. I don't think I can live the rest of this ruined life without her in it.

[Mark in Idaho]

Giving up the things you love can be hard but the bigger struggle is learning how to look at life and appreciate it.

Those of you who are offended by those of us who make such comments are just as offensive to us. We did not easily give up the things we have had to give up. There is not a magic pill that allows us to give up soccer without any struggles.

There is a saying,
A foolish person does not learn from his own mistakes.
A smart person does learn from his own mistakes.
A wise person learns from others mistakes.

Life is not about the next 10 minutes or the next day or the next week or even the next year. Life takes a lifetime. Unfortunately, the younger generation has been sold a bill of goods about every moment needing to be the best. No time in life to do without or sacrifice a bit now for much more later.

The concept of delayed gratification is not taught anymore. There are many of us who have great wisdom from our life experiences. There are others who want to complain any time our life does not go the way we want.

Not having enough fun, pop a pill or energy drink or some such to boost the enjoyment level.

If you want to go on and try to have a full life, you need to start by gaining knowledge and understanding about your condition. Knowledge is power. It allows you to make better decisions.

Learn to identify your symptoms and dysfunctions. You ease of crying is called emotional lability. The same goes for your outbursts. Accepting that these are symptoms of your condition allows you to learn to work within that framework. Republican House Speaker John Boehner is prone to crying. It is not a character flaw. It is a physiological condition. Now, if you cry and "whine," that is a character flaw.

There are plenty of fun and exciting things in this world besides soccer and racing motorcycles. Expand your horizons and investigate some of them.

My father had no interest in snow skiing until he tried it as a way to be with my brother and I. He had skied as a youth and was not interested in taking it up in his late 40's. If he had not been willing to give it a try again, he would have been stuck in the ski lodge or waiting somewhere while we skied.

He spent the next 35 years skiing as many as 60 days a year. He skied until the year before he died.

So, look around and find other activities to try. Try them long enough to get past the beginner's struggles. Then, you may find a new person hiding inside what was the old you. That new person may just meet the finest woman ever who loves the new activity you have found.

And while you are at it, stop trying to hide from your symptoms. They are no different than near sightedness or farsightedness. Everybody has something that does not work right in their body.

btw, I used to love riding dirt bikes. Started riding when I was 14 years old. My wife has been extremely fearful of them. I chose her over dirt bike riding. I get her 7 days a week. Dirt bikes are only a once in a while activity.

Life is a series of trade-offs. Learn to make those trade-offs with grace and that fine woman will appreciate that character trait in you.

Remember, until you can accept the person you are, how can you expect that fine woman to accept the person you are?

My best to you.

[rick92]

i know what your goin through man

this crap is so rough to deal with and just realizing itll never be the same

i raced dirtbikes for the last 4 years and it was my entire life i miss it everyday

having to give that up has been the hardest thing in the world for me

i hope you have healing soon

[freezerdoor]

I second what Mark said. Just do teh best you can every day and don't worry so much. If you love this person then make it work no matter how messed up you are or how hard it is. People can be very forgiving if you are open and explain what is going on. You also have to let them be there for you. sometimes that's the hardest part but it's life. Life is not easy but it's so special. When you get married (if you choose to) you stay in it through thick and thin and if you go through tough times, they make you stronger. It's supposed to be that way. There will be hard times.

[perfectionellorin]

I think that your idea to fix yourself first is the best. I should do the same. I am in a committed relationship right now and we're having problems because of my perfectionist tendencies. I hope everything works out for you.

[lindberg711]

Incredible post. Very inspiring.

Originally Posted by Mark in Idaho

Giving up the things you love can be hard but the bigger struggle is learning how to look at life and appreciate it.

Those of you who are offended by those of us who make such comments are just as offensive to us. We did not easily give up the things we have had to give up. There is not a magic pill that allows us to give up soccer without any struggles.

There is a saying,
A foolish person does not learn from his own mistakes.
A smart person does learn from his own mistakes.
A wise person learns from others mistakes.

Life is not about the next 10 minutes or the next day or the next week or even the next year. Life takes a lifetime. Unfortunately, the younger generation has been sold a bill of goods about every moment needing to be the best. No time in life to do without or sacrifice a bit now for much more later.

The concept of delayed gratification is not taught anymore. There are many of us who have great wisdom from our life experiences. There are others who want to complain any time our life does not go the way we want.

Not having enough fun, pop a pill or energy drink or some such to boost the enjoyment level.

If you want to go on and try to have a full life, you need to start by gaining knowledge and understanding about your condition. Knowledge is power. It allows you to make better decisions.

Learn to identify your symptoms and dysfunctions. You ease of crying is called emotional lability. The same goes for your outbursts. Accepting that these are symptoms of your condition allows you to learn to work within that framework. Republican House Speaker John Boehner is prone to crying. It is not a character flaw. It is a physiological condition. Now, if you cry and "whine," that is a character flaw.

There are plenty of fun and exciting things in this world besides soccer and racing motorcycles. Expand your horizons and investigate some of them.

My father had no interest in snow skiing until he tried it as a way to be with my brother and I. He had skied as a youth and was not interested in taking it up in his late 40's. If he had not been willing to give it a try again, he would have been stuck in the ski lodge or waiting somewhere while we skied.

He spent the next 35 years skiing as many as 60 days a year. He skied until the year before he died.

So, look around and find other activities to try. Try them long enough to get past the beginner's struggles. Then, you may find a new person hiding inside what was the old you. That new person may just meet the finest woman ever who love the new activity you have found.

And while you are at it, stop trying to hide from your symptoms. They are no different than near sightedness or farsightedness. Everybody has something that does not work right in their body.

btw, I used to love riding dirt bikes. Started riding when I was 14 years old. My wife has been extremely fearful of them. I chose her over dirt bike riding. I get her 7 days a week. Dirt bikes are only a once in a while activity.

Life is a series of trade-offs. Learn to make those trade-offs with grace and that fine woman will appreciate that character trait in you.

Remember, until you can accept the person you are, how can you expect that fine woman to accept the person you are?

My best to you.

[Mark in Idaho]

Perfectionism is the toughest way to live life. Nothing will ever be good enough. Seeking a life partner who appreciates perfectionism is a path toward disaster.

I lived much of my life as a perfectionist. I did not accept myself much of the time because I knew I failed to be perfect so often. This attitude made me miserable to live with, especially during those less than perfect tantrums.

It wasn't until I realized the damage my perfectionism was causing that my life started to stabilize.

If you choose to wait until you rae fully recovered, you will never get back to pursuing relationships.

If, instead, you humble yourself, first to yourself, then to this wonderful lady, you can both grow through this time of healing. If you never fully recover, she will know how much you have tried. If she still wants to be with you, you will not have to worry about someone new leaving you because you had a relapse of symptoms.

Those long term or better, lifetime relationships last because we learn how to live through the tough times together. You need that kind of person in your life. A fair weather lady friend will be a short term lady friend.

My life is much better now because I know that I will fail myself and others. When i do, I know that the key issue is not the failure but instead, how did I react to the failure.

Accept your current condition. Learn to live with yourself. Then see if she is interested in a relationship with you as you have accepted yourself.

That will be a relationship worth having.

My best to you.

[eponagirl]

I too agree with what everyone has said here already. Is it possible to talk with her and get her input? If you are clear with her about the confusion and ups and downs as you negotiate your way through this healing process and the unknown outcome, perhaps she may be willing to be supportive and continue the relationship? If she is included in the process, it may take some of the tension out and she'll see your symptoms for what they are (and not a personal attack on her) You learn how to manage your symptoms with some outside feedback (hers and others).

I've found it shocking how many people that I thought were friends are no longer even in my life since my accident. It really showed me who is real in my life and who was not all along anyway, I just couldn't see it before the accident exposed them. As painful as all that was, my life is much less stressful without them.

My vote is that you include her in the discussion about your unknown path and rethink the breakup, take Mark's advice and become more familiar with each of your symptoms and see if she is up for continuing on. If not, then she wasn't going to be there for the long haul anyway and better for you to know now. Hang in there!