we have the survival guide, and it helped with the parents, and in-laws, they didn't know any of the symptoms, or that these were related to injury, that we didn't know he had sustained, unlike a lot of you who had catastrophic incidents, or injuries, that you felt, and know caused your injuries, we had a number of accidents over years, that no-one diagnosed, and so no one realized the cumulative damages, and changes to personality, and coping skills, and outbursts of rage, etc. were related to brain injury. Suddenly life changed, very much, with another series of concussive hits, he didn't remember until after, but suddenly the emotions were back, worse, and something went really bad. Now its the emotions, i'm having difficulty with, i'm his only contact, he's really isolated, and has lost friends, lives a life of solitude, etc. So every emotion he has, is magnified, and takes its toll. i've done it again, a simple comment, and now we're in a "spin" - there's nothing i can do to get him out of it, if i go visit, he's worse, if i leave him alone to his sulk, i'm "abandoning" him, and it gets worse. i'm just at a loss. the emotions - i find are the hardest to understand, to deal with, and to totally ignore every feeling i have, in order to stay resilient to his emotions, feelings, and totally outrageous outbursts is just killing me. How do you do it? how do you put everything you scream to do, or say, on hold, to protect his feelings, from mis-understanding, and from making life miserable over & over again for you & anyone you come in contact with. i'm just lost.

[QUOTE=Mark in Idaho;812747]Tamisue, Have you downloaded the TBI Survival Guide? You need to print it out and let your husband and daughter read it. Highlight the issues that apply to you.


Mark-

I have read this! It helped, but didn't answer everything. I'm lucky on the husband side-he was pre-med, but still forgets what I'm going thru. I think I will print though for the daughter-good idea. Thank you!

redloui,

I know it is a big struggle. The first problem is him. He needs to accept that his outbursts are the result of the injuries. Then he needs to take ownership of his behavior. He can reduce the likelihood of outbursts.

I know this because I had to do it. I am much better with outbursts now.

It starts with understanding the outburst triggers. Then understanding when these triggers are getting triggered. When he notices the triggers, he needs to excuse himself from the situation. You also need to give him permission to excuse himself.

And, no judgment when he returns, except to commend him for removing himself from the situation. This second part may even need to be avoided. It recalls the trigger situation.

Has he ever tried to explain what kind of support he wants from you? It would be good to ask him directly. Give him plenty of time to answer.

There are lots of little behaviors that need to be ignored completely. Asking "What did you mean by that?" can be a trigger. Yes, you do have to walk on eggshells. In time, you will both learn how to navigate this maze.

Use me or I statements: I don't understand, instead of 'What did you mean by that?'
Can I help you, rather than Let me help you.

Believe me, he knows his shortcomings. He lives with them all day long.

Some of these issues may benefit from some time with a counselor who understands PCS. He would need to be very willing to meet with such a counselor. The both of you meeting with the counselor together would be worthwhile. Often times, personalities need the help of the third party.

My best to you.