Hey man, I was a police officer with a metropolitan PD for almost 9 years. I am new to this forum and read your post. I found it comforting to see another officer on here that was struggling with similar issues as me.

In 2009, I was riding in a raid van at work. We hit a large pot hole in the road and I was thrown into the roof, striking my head. It was a little disorienting and hurt at the time, but I didn't feel injured. A few days later, I started noticing my balance and coordination was off, the back of head hurt, I had a buzzing sound in my head and my ears felt strange, lots of neck pain. I just wasn't feeling right. Felt like my head was buried in the sand.

Long story short, I didn't talk about the symptoms much at work, but sought medical treatment trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with me. I saw a bunch of specialists and was misdiagnosed with a lot of stuff over the year (test coming back normal). I struggled and worked with the symptoms because I loved what I was doing. After roughly a year, I had to raise the red flag and they put me on desk duty (was also disempowered because of the nature of the symptoms).

Man, this was the most humiliating experience I've ever had to deal with. Feeling like a broken cop while you watch your buddies do what you love is depressing. I know you can relate.

After a year of light duty, my symptoms just weren't getting any better no matter what I did. I just wasn't feeling right.

The department put me on an injured on duty medical pension last Oct. This has been devastating (on top of the health issues). I feel like I have lost my identity. The bad thing is people around me don't understand, especially cop friends, because you look fine on the outside.

They are sending me to see a new neurologist in a couple of weeks. No one to this point has made a connection of brain injury, but I just can't understand what is going on. The anger, frustration and depression are an understatement. My wife told me I just wasn't the same person I once was. We separated a couple months ago.

I was glad to see you were making progress and were working again. I have considered just telling them I am good and going back to work. But, there is no way I could do it the way I feel. I wouldn't want me backing me up.

Just wanted you to know you weren't the only cop on here and that you aren't alone.

Bryan