[HopeGirl]

So my husband was watching something on Youtube this morning where this guy who has also been suffering from a TBI is explaining what it's like living with PCS. I told him I didn't want to watch it right now, but he insisted it would help me to help him in his recovery. After only 7 minutes of watching I burst into tears and told him I just couldn't watch it right now.

It's not that I don't want to help my husband in his recovery, I'm desperate for that!!! But the hard part is, I know I'm not as loving as I probably should be. I know I'm not AS supportive as I'm sure he needs. I have my own issues I have to deal with in this.

Six months after losing our daughter unexpectedly, my husband has this car wreck that has turned our lives completely upside down. Now I have to try to stay positive, trying to wait on a sick husband...nothing I seemed to do actually ever made him feel better, really all I kept hearing was what NOT to do, or what I needed to be doing instead of this. Only to do what he asked, yet he still didn't seem to be helped because he was still constantly miserable. All the while, trying to keep a 4 yr old absolutely quiet, which was absolutely impossible. I couldn't just leave & take our son to a park or something somewhere, because my husband needed me close by in case he needed something. So no matter what I did or didn't do, my life became this frustrating circle of failure and darkness. Not to even mention the junk I had to go through begging my whole family & all of our friends for help cause we couldn't pay our bills.

So, here I am...it's been almost a year. My husband seemed to be getting better....he seemed almost back to normal. It was really kind of nice having him back. I could have normal conversations with him. We were laughing and joking, our romantic life was getting better, our son was behaving better because he knew Daddy was up & back...and then WHAM! back down he goes. At times, almost as bad as he was when the accident first happened.

I'm writing a lot, and I guess complaining a lot, I have just had this building up for almost a year and literally feel like I am just not even the person I used to be nor want to be anymore. It's the most difficult time in my life. Worse than losing my daughter, is dealing with a husband that is constantly sick. We have no insurance and we spend money on crap that I'm not even sure really helps or does anything in desperation because apparently one neurologist and two chiro's can't help him at all. Everything everyone does to help only makes him feel worse.

He is still our sole source of income, we are paycheck to paycheck. I'm looking for a part time evening job to try to help out with the bills. We have no nearby family that can help, no friends that want to pitch in, so...it is what it is. I find myself getting just tired. Sorry for the complaining, but honestly, sometimes I need to know that I'm not the most selfish jerk on the planet. I know what my husband goes through is misery, but living with someone going through PCS & all of it's ailments...it's no picnic here either. So...I'm trying to stay calm, cause I know getting upset does my hubs no good. Sometimes I just need a place where I get to fall apart. Sometimes I wish there was someone around that could take care of ME through this stuff.

I feel alone. I have the Lord, but it's still hard. Sometimes you just need Jesus with skin...someone that understands how you feel (and no one around me does) to come along side you and say it will be ok and it won't always be this hard.

Anyhow, sorry again for the griping, just needed to vent. I need encouragement sometimes.