No, Nick, you are not crazy. You are just impatient. Don't worry about something that has not happened yet. If you struggle with the intensity of the schedule at NCEP, they will notice and adjust your treatment accordingly.

You will probably do good to try to remember one thing. Your difficulty with word finding and speaking obviously has very little impact on your writing. As was mentioned earlier, the two different communication systems use different parts of the brain. For the time being, try to accept your speaking struggles and instead use your writing skills to communicate and organize your thoughts.

In time, the therapists will be able to help you with the speaking struggles and other struggles.

Imagine what is must be like to not have an ability to write or text. Now, be glad that you can write and text and count your blessings.

Lizzy, I will respond to your post when I get home.

Mark,

I'm slowly losing the ability to express myself through writing, too. Its taking me longer to write these out...I think what everyone, you and the doctor's, are missing is...My cognitive functions have been in a constant decline since November. These are not subtle changes that are temporary...they are BIG, very noticeable, permanent changes that don't go away. I understand that I have a brain injury. The part of my brain that was injured controls a lot of really important things...but I've spoken to lots of people with brain injuries, including my old neighbor who suffered a severe brain injury, and nobody can relate to getting worse and staying worse. Its not supposed to get worse...it should either stay the same or get better. This, has not gotten better at all and every month I'm worse than the previous month.

I just got back from trying to get admitted to a hospital. My neurologist was called and NOW, I've been diagnosed with petit mal seizures. They refuse to admit me and give me a spinal tap and full blood work. I highly doubt I'm having seizures. Do seizures cause serious cognitive declines that don't ever go away? I'm also very aware of my cognitive deficit. Its not a 10 second or couple minute problem...its constant, all day everyday from the moment I wake up. It gets worse with...anything and everything. I don't even get relief when I'm in a dark, quiet room.

Your right...I am impatient. You would be impatient too if your cognitive functioning was getting worse and worse (and staying that way) with no rhyme or reason and you couldn't get the tests you want to find out why. My recovery has been nothing but constant decline from the start. What do I have to look forward to?

Well, I'm off to try this new seizure medication.

Hoping for a miracle.

Nick

Hang in there, Nick. I am keeping you in my thoughts and sincerely hoping that you will get some answers soon and start experiencing some improvement.

Nick,

By the content of your posts, you are not getting worse. If anything, your posts are getting more specific and complex. You ability to link together so many ideas tells me that your deeper cognitive abilities are stable or improving.

If you were to do a bit of research into OCD and hypochondria, etc. you will find that the intensity of their symptoms may appear to get worse but from a clinical view point, the underlying health issues stay the same.

You have a physiological injury that has caused specific dysfunctions that are very likely stable. Your impression that these dysfunctions are getting worse is likely a psychological issue. The instability/stress of your living situation can easily contribute to this problem.

You need to explain to NCED about your living situation so they can take it into consideration.

I'm very sorry that you perceive you are getting worse. That must be VERY scary. Remember that your new neurologist spent a lot of time with you and has determined that you are suffering from some psychological effects from the injury you sustained.

I agree with Mark that your posts are getting better in terms of complexity and that shows improvement.

A part of getting better during my recovery was regaining the ability to recognize how bad I was - so even though I was getting better I could recognize that I wasn't doing as well as I thought I was. I didn't have the same self-reflection ability and I was not able to see myself from an objective point of view. Once that improved I was able to better compare myself to the self I was before the accident I thought "ugh - I'm doing awful!" Maybe this is a part of what is happening to you too?

Hang in there.

I feel like you are exaggerating in your own mind how permanent these effects are right now. I've done it too, over the course of my recovery. It's very scary to not be able to function at the level you are accustomed to. And the recovery itself seems to take forever! Give your recovery more time. If I was the same as I was at seven months after my recovery I would still not be able to add single digit numbers together well and I'd still be walking with a walker. I'm doing a significantly better now than I was then. Try to remember that in the tbiguide an expert neuropsychologist says most people improve a great deal in the first two years after a brain injury and try to avoid the word "permanent" until you're two years out from your injury.

Also, try to remember that most doctors, experts and researchers believe that the people who believe they will get better and are most motivated to get better (a part of which is a good attitude) will have the best recoveries.

Hang in there Nick.