Ok I really didn't want to air out my private stuff but I feel it's so important to do so. I went to simply renew my prescription for Lexapro that had already been approved by workman's comp. I waited and waited for approval and none came. This meant no medication for me. I couldn't afford them since they are over a 100 bucks, anyway. Then the adjuster told the pharmacist they will not cover it.

Over the last week I noticed I have been crying more. Over every little thing. Those who know me would say they probably rarely see me cry.

Well yesterday I was taking my lovely enjoyable walk (I've been walking twice a day) to get off some of my "sadness". In the middle of my walk I had a wave of sadness so profound (again) that I bawled my *** off. I then said that's it I'm done dealing with all this head injury crap. I'm sick of it, sick of feeling like ****, sick of being told I cant work, sick of being a burden to my family.. you got it...I was done. I had already told my husband we were through the day before. I took off my rings and said enough is enough.

Well I got to the end of my walk and there is a bridge with a waterfall and the thought came to me, " I could just take of this in one jump" I went over to the ledge, looked down at the waterfall. No fear just a numbness and I contemplated it.

Maybe a gaurdian angel was by my side but then a thought came to me. Me as a little girl, answering the door to a police man telling us my step father who I loved so much, had taken his life. I remember the sadness, the anger and I vowed no matter how tough life got I would NEVER do this to my children.

I turned away quickly and got off the mountain to home. When I got home my husband was still asleep. I went into the bedroom and cried and cried and cried and cried. I told him what had happened.

I had an appt at my therapist about an hour later. I sucked up my tears, put my best foot forward and I went. I'm not sure how I got there and I probably should not have driven. I refused to let my husband bring me.

Out of all the sessions we've had not once had I cried. Yesterday I walked in and let it all out. He was going to admit me but I told him my husband will watch me. He said no walking alone and to give all my meds to my husband. I explained the difficulties with getting the Lexapro. He said basically that I cant stop this medication all at once. It's a slow weaning process. Basically not taking it sent me into a deep clincal depression.

I am embarrassed by my actions because I love my family so much. I know if I get any worse I'm to go inpatient. I really dont want to go that route. I think if I wasn't at home with my family and my furry kitties I would be in deep trouble.

Again, I just wanted to warn everyone that it's not ok to just stop a medication. My attorney had now set me up with a mail order pharmacy who fights workman's comp if they deny and will still send me my medications. I will not be burdened with the messed up system.

I'm waiting for the script now and still teetering between tears and complete sadness. I guess it'll be at least a week before I start to feel better. I'm so scared of myself right now.

Let go and let God. One step at a time, you did the right thing! I cannot begin to imagine your pain. But I admire your strength to overcome.

Crystal,
My thoughts are with you girl! I just wanted to say that you are not alone!

I considerd myself (as did most everyone who knows me) to be a very level headed, rational person before my injury. Now I am much more emotional and have also had similar thoughts as you.

I completely agree the same medicines we are instructed to take to "help" us recover, can also be very dangerous if not taken properly.

Shame on Workman's Comp for being allowed to deny you the medication you need. That combined with all the emotions, lack of independance, pain, fatigue, and added family stressors....is enough to set anyone over the edge.

Thank God your Guardian Angel showed up!

You poor, poor thing. (((Hugs))) to you. I hope you'll find some equilibrium soon. I'd be happy to share my email with you should you ever need to talk to someone who's more comfortable walking in your shoes.

You aren't alone, and you are important. Take care!

Thank you all for your support. It means alot to me. I am so happy to have support in my life. I'm grateful for my family and my husband is very loyal to me. He has been home with me through this whole painful ten months. My husband has his own issues but he loves me so much. I find this to be rare. I can see if I kicked him out then he would sit on the steps until I let him back. Needless to say this has also given me the courage to speak my mind on issues we do have. Not big ones but enough to make me sad. I have brought to the surface things I couldn't turn away from and he now knows where I'm coming from.

I took my walk and feel refreshed. I am having my sister, my nephew, my son, my friend and my son's girlfriend over to go hiking tonight. Usually when I'm like this I retreat in. This time I told them all my struggles so when they see me they will see why I look like an emotional sobbing trainwreck. I am making a very easy dinner so after we can all be together. I'm sick of feeling like I'm crazy. I have some light gardening to do, songs to sing, and coloring books to keep me busy.

My prayers are with you. I'm so sorry to hear about your struggles.

Don't worry about posting "personal" stuff - that's why we're here - to help support one another. I can't think of anything more personal than a brain injury.

I understand your despair.

I had a similar experience 33 years ago. Plus, for about 3+ years after my severe concussion in 1965, I had these episodes from time to time. My concern for how it would affect my mother kept me alive.

Back in 1996, after a pretty good conk to my head when I stood up under a solid beam, I was struggling with head aches and insomnia. My doctor gave be a prescription for Periactin (cyproheptadine). It is an antihistamine that has sedating effects.

The morning after taking the Periactin, I woke up to the most horrible and miserable depression I have ever experienced. It was the longest day of my life. I did not take it that night and was fine the next morning. I called my neuro and reported my experience. He agreed that it was likely the Periactin. Now, I include it in the list of meds that I am allergic to.

If we can just make it through that day, we can reach out for help.

Hope you have a god evening with family.

My best to you.

My adult son is the one with the TBI, day after Christmas last year. I have been completely alone caring for him, unbelievably stressed, depressed, and overwhelmed with the emotional and financial roller coasters. My doc put me on Wellbutrin, which seemed to make me feel worse, so I cut my dose to half a pill twice a day. Felt maybe a teensy bit better for a few days but still pretty horrible. So I tried again with the full dose, which was still the lowest does prescribed, and I practically went off the deep end!! So I stopped taking it, and low and behold about 20 hours since the last dose, woke up in the morning feeling amazingly "okay". That was about a month ago now. That *** just about did me in. I think no more "happy pills" for me, not worth trying out different ones until I find one that works for me. Hangin' in there now.

You were brave to get the help you needed. Your family is with you. You are so right about discontinuing medications all at once. It is horrible when a person is denied medication that they have been on. The clinical depression does indeed happen when medicine is abruptly stopped. I want you to know that NT is here for you. Please keep going to therapy, and come back here anytime you want to talk. Lots of us have been through some terrible depressions, and we often hang out here and give each other support. Your family needs you, and so do we. You did the very best you could do for yourself, by going for help. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. ginnie

Please don't be embarrassed! Here, you're with people who truly understand AND care.

Believe it or not, your story shows you to be a strong, thoughtful individual.

Here's a link that brought teensy-tiny glimmers of light to me during some very dark times. http://www.lettersofnote.com/2009/10...y-one-day.html Just maybe it will give you a tiny ray of hope.

I'll be praying for you!

Hugs!