I've been in a very bad relationship throughout my entire recovery. My girlfriend at the time (now ex-girlfriend) has done nothing but treat me like crap, cheat on me, lie to me and cause me nothing but pain and stress. Not a day has gone by where we didn't have an argument or fight over something.

Today, (I think), was the breaking point. I can't take it anymore...My mom kicked her out back in April because she can't stand the B. So, I went to visit her at her mom's house. The whole time I was there, I felt like I was unwelcome there. Her mom kept giving me dirty looks, I asked her something about her job and she said "Its none of your business". Tara, my supposed girlfriend, pretty much ignored me the whole time I was there. Someone ran into the house, showing them something on their phone...I was curious to what was going on, so I asked about it...and just like her mom said, she told me the same thing, "Its none of your business".

Ummm...but why can't I just let her go? I'm obsessively trying to make it work with her, knowing that there is no way in hell it ever will. Its over between us, and its been over for months now. She wants to break up, I don't want to...so I keep trying and trying to make her stay. I know its the brain injury that is keeping me from leaving her. Its no longer her fault I'm going through this...Its my fault for letting her walk all over me.

I'm such an idiot.

Besides all the baby momma drama...I keep running myself into the ground, day in and day out. Instead of just doing what needs to be done for the day, I'm running downtown to visit her (which always turns into an hour long argument), I'm riding buses around town because I'm bored (lots of stimulation on the bus), I'm doing things that I know will cause me problems and I haven't just stayed home and rested one day in weeks.

My brain injury has gone from being barely noticeable to a flashing neon sign on my forehead that is just screaming "BRAIN INJURY". My friends don't even want to hang out with me anymore because I'm so messed up. I wouldn't want to hang out with me either. My expressive speech is annoying, I cut people off in conversation, I repeat myself and ask others to repeat themselves over and over...I've turned into a completely different person.

What do I do? Is there anyway I could reverse what has happened to me? Or has all the drama, stress and stimulation caused me to become a different person forever? I just want to go back to the way I was a couple months back. Yeah, it was bad...but it was manageable.

Tomorrow, I have to turn the application in for my sheriff's card. Then, I have a week before I start work. I think I'm gonna spend that entire week sleeping. I don't want to do anything else...and I don't want anyone to see me like this. Its embarrassing and it makes me feel horrible about myself.

P.S. I know, just about a week ago I was writing about how great things were. Its weird how I could go from 5-7 days (I forget how long) of pretty much symptom free days to absolute hell. It doesn't make sense.

Nick