I have been stuck in a mixed state between mania and depression. I am posting on the TBI page because if I didn't get TBI I wouldn't have bipolar. My doc diagnosed me w bipolar I about six mos ago and put me on lithium. Well, I would not be world wide deploy able in the Marines if I was on lithium so naturally, I didn't want the diagnosis. Well low and behold during the holiday weekend, when all my docs are on vacation or on an extended weekend I need the bipolar medicine.

I have been running, to yoga, out with my dog, working at my parents house to help them pick up after the horrible storms we had in VA a week ago. But I come back to me and what I am. I feel like I am going through the motions and waiting for the end to come. I am not going to make it come, I am just waiting. I sold my Glock. I feel like hot asphalt that just got rolled with a roller, or the embers of a cigar after it had been smooshed out, fading away.

Yet, people keep pushing me to get involved and work and get out. I don't get why they don't get it. I feel like I am fitting to stay alive and they are trying to get me to go do a dumb job like filing....wtf? In my uniform, that is sheer torture, I know I will get out of the beloved Corps, I know I no longer pack the gear to be a Major.

I think I needed to write where people hopefully understand. Thanks.
Hilary

Ok going to the ER. I can't take it anymore. I can't wait until my doc gets back on the 10th.

Hi Hilary,
I seem to be at a loss for words today...but i just want to say you are not alone and many here will be able to relate to your feelings. I hope you find someone to help and not have to wait until your doctor returns.

It is very hard for people to understand our situations/feelings etc if they haven't walked in our shoes so please don't let them get you discouraged by trying to "push" you before you feel ready.

We are here anytinme you need to talk.....keep us posted on how you are.

Best Wishes

I'm so glad you made the heroic choice to go to the ER.

I'm sure they are more people out there in your situation than you think.

I know there are many times where I considered going to the ER feeling the same way. Knowing that you went, may give someone like me the courage to do so when needed when it happens again.

You are never alone.

Thanks all for your replies. I am so glad I listened to myself and went to the ER. A social worker who is filling in for my social worker met me at the ER and sat w me. We did grounding and as I got closer to help the more anxious I got, it was like I knew it was ok to let go because I was in good hands. The doc sent down a psychiatrist and she put me on seroquil. I ate a decent dinner, I will shower take my pill and let this day be over. So now I am on seroquil, lexapro, trazadone, depakote, buspar because I need to be. I am ok w it.

I am glad you were able to get the help you needed and made the right choice. I look forward to hearing yourprogress. It is hard, especially when those around you do not understand. Keep us posted, and welcome.