[SpaceCadet]

I posted awhile back about quitting my anti-depressant (Mirtazapine). Well, now I'm wondering if that was the best idea for me. I'm seriously depressed and have thought about suicide a lot these past couple weeks. I've even spoke about it out loud to friends and family...and joked about becoming a Christmas ornament on our tree outside.

There is a reason I'm depressed. I've posted a lot about it on here during the past 9 months, so I'm sure you've heard it all before. There was actually a point in my "recovery" where I thought I'd be able to enjoy the rest of my life. Slowly but surely, my symptoms got worse and worse as the months went by and now I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to enjoy life.

I understand the concept of accepting what I can't change (because it can't be changed) and moving forward with my life. I've gone through this process numerous times during my "recovery", but since the way I feel is constantly changing (for the worse), I have to keep accepting the change and it's getting harder and harder each time. I'm having to work harder to communicate, remember things and complete the smallest tasks. Today, I struggled making some Hamburger Helper for the household. It came out great, mind you, but I can't believe how much effort it took from me.

I hate not being able to communicate effectively. I'm missing out on social experiences, I'm losing all my friends (they are still there but it's no fun and embarrassing to hang out with them anymore), I'm a hermit because not only am I unable to communicate properly 24/7 (okay, maybe one or two break through moments per week), any type of stimulation makes it so much worse. My memory is absolute garbage now, compared to how it was a few months back. I went to the post office today and stood in line. When I got to the front of the line, the woman at the window asked "How can I help you?"...Ummm...I forgot why I was there and almost had to let the person in front of me go ahead. TV really does a number on me. It doesn't matter what kind of show it is. I've tried everything from cartoons, documentaries and cooking shows...and music does the same thing to me. If I try and watch more than a couple SECONDS of TV or listen to a couple verses of a song, I'm finished for the day.

Once again, I'm not complaining about my symptoms. My concern is they are getting worse and staying that way no matter how much rest I get or stimulation that I avoid. As I've said before, I understand that I have a brain injury and it won't ever be the same, but I could function so much better a few months back and beyond.

Could it be possible that I'm having tons of mild, unnoticed seizures throughout the day and while I'm sleeping, that are causing these permanent declines in my executive functions? That's the only thing that I could think of. I've tried so many different seizure medications but it prevents me from functioning properly from the moment I take the pill. So, I'm scared to continue taking it long enough to get the full effect of the drug. I have a 1 and 2 year old to take care of...and I can't be any more messed up than I am now.

Another thing, I've read before about SSRI's helping with brain fog and speech. Has anyone here experienced a decrease in brain fog and easier thought clarity for speech as a result of an anti-depressant? I'm seriously considering trying an SSRI before my depression overcomes me. I just don't want it to make things any worse than they are.

My apologies for not posting any help and support lately to you fellow members. My life has no direction right now so its hard for me to provide support to others. That would be like Dr. Phil providing relationship advice when he's in a failed marriage himself lol.

Nick

[Eowyn]

Yeah, don't quit your anti-depressant. Stick with it.

It's important, otherwise you'll start believing the lies your depression is telling you.

I've been having a lot of suicidal ideation lately, too (even on my anti-depressant). It's really hard to cope with. Please take care of yourself by keeping yourself safe if you think you're the least bit likely to act on it, and by TAKING YOUR MEDS.

You're important to lots of people, most especially YOUR SON. He will be traumatized forever if you hurt or kill yourself. Don't let yourself go there.

[pcslife]

Have you tried Trileptal (anti-seizure and mood stabilizer) drug? I am on it and has no or minimum side effects and mostly well tolerated?

How about Xanax? You mentioned you tried it and worked for you? Forget about the addiction part. Sometimes you got to do what you got to do till you get back to baseline and not get worse.

Cheers!

[Mark in Idaho]

Trileptal is an anticonvulsive. Not much help for depression. Xanax is a benzo for anxiety and has serious negatives for PCS.

Nick,

You need to give an SSRI serious consideration. It will not change brain fog or speech.

I have lived with extremely lousy memory for over a decade. You can learn to live with lousy memory. Notes work great. Don't leave the apt without a list. Use you smart phone for lists or a slip of paper. Keep a note pad and pencil in your pocket.

Slow down in your attempts to speak. Say less words by making your words mean more. Rehearse what you need to say. I do it most of the time. If I start speaking before I have thought through what I am going to say, I will usually mess up.

It helps to have people around you how understand and will wait while you get past the stumbles. I stop sometimes and say, " I need a moment to get my thoughts back together." I will close my eyes and get my thoughts together and start over. People are usually very understanding. Forget about pride. Pride does not get the message across.

I am routinely trying to speak at full function and get stuck and need to slow down. Don't let it get you down.

And find an SSRI that works well with you. The mood stability alone is worth it.

And, remember one thing. You and Tara are in parent mode. Socializing with single friends is the past. Find other young couples with young children to socialize with. They are your peers and support structure. Your life is now as a family. Be a family and count it as the grand achievement that it is.

My best to you.

[roadrunner63]

I've been on Prozac for 4 weeks now. It has helped with depression. I also have less headaches. I can form thoughts better because my brain seems less cluttered with all those depressive and intrusive thoughts. I have less anger episodes.

Get help for the depression and then go from there.

I tried Zoloft first and couldn't do it because it made me feel messed up and I have too many responsibilities to feel that way. I am so glad I tried Prozac - no side affects other than a little upset stomach the first week.

And now I have to wonder how much the depression played a part in many areas of me being non-functional over the last 2 years...

[rmschaver]

I am relatively knew to this forum and injury so I have little depth here. Please be kind to yourself with regard to you rinjury.

Our brain is what we rely on to help us cope after any life altering event. For me PCS has certainly been that. Since our major resource,"brain power" has been compromised. The very effort to cope is that much more difficult.

I have a very good support system with the family I have around me. That being said there are those repeated moments when I can tell they just don't get it.

I get very frustrated for wanting what I had and thought my life would be after my injury. I am afraid of what it may be.

My prayers go out to you. Please be kind to yourself. I find your posts insightful and thoughtful. It is obvious to me you have alot to offer.

Hope you feel better soon.

[Dolfinwolf]

I hope that things work out better for you. I know that is kinda way oversimplified of a reply, but I know what the depression is like and it is hard to get out of it. But you are a survivor, I think and you will make it through...

I would definitely look into the SSRI. I stopped meds cold turkey once too, and it was not the best decision for me. My friend put it to me like this (he has a heart condition):

"I'm feeling a whole lot better now. My heart is working great. Doc says I should be on heart meds, but I can do it without the medicines. I'm just going to quit taking them; I don't think I need them." He freaked me out, then proved the point that sometimes although we don't feel like we need meds, our bodies are telling us otherwise.

I don't know if this made sense or seemed stupid, but it kinda made me think. (My doc wants me on some kind of SSRI too, since I am depressed and anxious and have been there before). Anyway, I hope you find a decision that is right for you.

Keep us posted.