[SpaceCadet]

I posted awhile back about quitting my anti-depressant (Mirtazapine). Well, now I'm wondering if that was the best idea for me. I'm seriously depressed and have thought about suicide a lot these past couple weeks. I've even spoke about it out loud to friends and family...and joked about becoming a Christmas ornament on our tree outside.

There is a reason I'm depressed. I've posted a lot about it on here during the past 9 months, so I'm sure you've heard it all before. There was actually a point in my "recovery" where I thought I'd be able to enjoy the rest of my life. Slowly but surely, my symptoms got worse and worse as the months went by and now I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to enjoy life.

I understand the concept of accepting what I can't change (because it can't be changed) and moving forward with my life. I've gone through this process numerous times during my "recovery", but since the way I feel is constantly changing (for the worse), I have to keep accepting the change and it's getting harder and harder each time. I'm having to work harder to communicate, remember things and complete the smallest tasks. Today, I struggled making some Hamburger Helper for the household. It came out great, mind you, but I can't believe how much effort it took from me.

I hate not being able to communicate effectively. I'm missing out on social experiences, I'm losing all my friends (they are still there but it's no fun and embarrassing to hang out with them anymore), I'm a hermit because not only am I unable to communicate properly 24/7 (okay, maybe one or two break through moments per week), any type of stimulation makes it so much worse. My memory is absolute garbage now, compared to how it was a few months back. I went to the post office today and stood in line. When I got to the front of the line, the woman at the window asked "How can I help you?"...Ummm...I forgot why I was there and almost had to let the person in front of me go ahead. TV really does a number on me. It doesn't matter what kind of show it is. I've tried everything from cartoons, documentaries and cooking shows...and music does the same thing to me. If I try and watch more than a couple SECONDS of TV or listen to a couple verses of a song, I'm finished for the day.

Once again, I'm not complaining about my symptoms. My concern is they are getting worse and staying that way no matter how much rest I get or stimulation that I avoid. As I've said before, I understand that I have a brain injury and it won't ever be the same, but I could function so much better a few months back and beyond.

Could it be possible that I'm having tons of mild, unnoticed seizures throughout the day and while I'm sleeping, that are causing these permanent declines in my executive functions? That's the only thing that I could think of. I've tried so many different seizure medications but it prevents me from functioning properly from the moment I take the pill. So, I'm scared to continue taking it long enough to get the full effect of the drug. I have a 1 and 2 year old to take care of...and I can't be any more messed up than I am now.

Another thing, I've read before about SSRI's helping with brain fog and speech. Has anyone here experienced a decrease in brain fog and easier thought clarity for speech as a result of an anti-depressant? I'm seriously considering trying an SSRI before my depression overcomes me. I just don't want it to make things any worse than they are.

My apologies for not posting any help and support lately to you fellow members. My life has no direction right now so its hard for me to provide support to others. That would be like Dr. Phil providing relationship advice when he's in a failed marriage himself lol.

Nick