In February of this year (2012) I was in a car accident that left me with a severe concussion and severe whiplash. While the whiplash healed, the concussion hasn't seemed to yet. Well... it is significantly better but the worst of the symptoms have not subsided. I was a senior in college, months away from obtaining my bachelor's degree and all I had to do was complete my classes and finish my thesis. I was supposed to graduate in May.
After the car accident I had the traditional concussion symptoms- severe headaches, loss of memory (short term was completely gone), a lot of confusion, the feeling of fuzziness, etc. It felt like I was existing just outside of my body. I didn't feel like I had control over my words, my actions, or my body. I don't know if this makes sense but as well as feeling outside of my body and self, I simultaneously felt trapped within it.
I did not feel like I could take time off because I needed these classes and to finish my thesis to graduate, and it was incredibly important for me to graduate on time. So I did not take any time off. Between the brain trama itself, the stress of classes and a thesis, and the stress of trying to force my brain into functioning as normally as possible... I didn't let my brain heal. I made a mistake. This mistake cost me being able to graduate on time and with my friends, among other things.
I barely completed my course work but my entire thesis was wiped from my memory and every time I read a paragraph of an article, I would forget it by the next paragraph. I would reread the same paragraph for hours and when I finally got it into my "longer term" memory I was unable to comprehend it. My thesis was dubbed "failed to meet the minimum requirements for graduation" and I was not allowed to obtain my degree.
My other mistake was not letting the school know that I was in an accident. My thesis/department instructors had no idea what was going on and thought that I just didn't care. I had to confront them about my accident to get an extension (which I did get) but they ripped me apart for not being "mature enough" to tell them about it earlier. Unfortunately, I also had to declare to the department that I had been dealing with severe, treatment resistant depression since the summer of 2010. I was essentially depression free by the beginning of the school year of 2012 but it had mildly resurfaced by January and my concussion simulated another or similar chemical imbalance that forced me back into my depression. I was falling apart all over again, but this time I could not will myself out of it or work through it because it was purely chemical and since I was always treatment resistant, there were no medications to help.
As I briefly mentioned, I was given an extension on my thesis after getting put on the disabilities services list. I have until December to complete my thesis and get my degree. I know I can do it but my brain feels like it has barely healed. I have some short term memory, but it's very selective. Sometimes I will remember a week, other times I won't remember what I did an hour or five minutes ago.
I'm trying to write this thesis but I can't remain focused. I can't seem to form the sentences I want to because I can't think of the words that I'm trying to say. In every day life half the time I can't find the words I'm trying to say. I feel like my brain power has decreased by 80% and that my intelligence has gone back to an early high school level. I am impulsive and where I once was an incredibly empathetic person, I find myself struggling to listen to people, let alone be engaged in what they are saying. I was a good friend, I listened and could offer advice, I was thoughtful and engaged. But most importantly to me, I could not judge someone. I would not judge someone. I still feel outside of my body because I hear myself saying things that I don't fathom. I feel mean and I am not, I cannot be a mean person, it's just not in my bones.
This concussion has created someone I hate. Someone I am not. and my fear is that I will be this person for the rest of my life. I care more about getting myself back, my soul back, than I do about completing my thesis. I can't be this person any more. It feels like my own brain is against me, actively working against me. I feel lost and out of control. I lost some friends because they thought I wasn't interested in what they were saying or things they were doing. I broke up with two great people because I had nothing to offer them but an empty shell wearing a mask. I try so hard to not be this person only to realize that it's half an hour later and I don't know how I got somewhere or that the person I am with has said anything at all.
My depression had already taken so much from me, I felt like when I got through that I had gotten a huge part of myself back and I feel like I turned around to be hit by someone texting on their cell phone while driving with enough force to wipe years from my memory as well as everything for 2 months after that and huge chunks since then. In two years, my life has been destroyed twice and I blame myself. Depression and concussions make you someone that you're not but they're still you, it becomes you. I still have to take full responsibility. I've been told that I take too much responsibility. That I was (or am) who I was (or am) because of something out of my control. I struggle with that because I can't admit that I was weak enough to fall to that. I gave in, I let it control me. I let it destroy me and and my life. It's not about taking responsibility, it's about accepting that I did fall and I fell hard.
I didn't tell my professors because I neither did, nor ever will, want any pity. I thought that I could complete everything in spite of a concussion or a depression. I was wrong and now I have to answer to that and I do. I do every day that I stare at my thesis and my notes and realize that I can't complete a sentence. I do every day when I stare at my thesis and realize that work that I started the end of my junior year is replaced with emptiness. How does diminished brain function take a soul or your will? I always believed those were completely different worlds from the brain. That seems stupid now.


I do apologize for this post. It is my first post here which I stumbled upon when looking for ways to improve post concussion syndrome memory issues. I was working on my thesis when I found this and I think that I just found this in a moment when I was frustrated and upset. You see I can't find the word that I am looking for to complete this sentence in my thesis, and its not like it feels on the tip of my tongue, it just feels gone. Like I'm trying to catch air with my hands. Whats left of my friends don't understand and I feel like I burden them with these sorts of things. I just needed to say it. Again, I apologize for this long post.