I have just received the report from my most recent visit to the neuro. He suggests I have a schizophreniform illness or major depressive disorder.

My initial reaction was vague relief. I thought, Right. I'll be fine. It's all in my mind. I'll go back to work then. I went to the library and took out three books that I'd never read before, came home and tried to read them. I thought that maybe if I could read a chapter or two then I might be okay to work, that I could ease myself into it because a large part of my work consists of reading other people's work. I couldn't read for more than about 10 seconds at a time and I wasn't taking any of it in.

Then my eyes started to hurt as usual and I've been in tears all afternoon.

For a moment I had this bit of hope that maybe I could go back to the way things were before, that I wouldn't have to leave the city I consider home and I could just pretend none of this ever happened.

But now I feel like, among other things, not only can I not do my job but that I won't be able to cope with the work at a farm I was going to stay at in return for room and board - i.e. the solution to my homelessness. The neuro said in his report that it is impossible to imagine me working in this state.

I don't know what's right any more. All I know is the symptoms I have and how awful I feel.

I don't know what to do. It seems ridiculous and unfair to ask for my job back, when I can't focus on a book for 10 seconds. It also seems ridiculous to condense my life into a suitcase and move 500 miles into the unknown for something that I probably won't be able to do anyway and could land me in further problems when I am asked to leave with a bad reference and nowhere to go in a place I am not familiar with.

I don't even feel like trying or "giving it a go" any more. I know I'm going to fail miserably at whatever I attempt to do so I might as well safe myself the bother. My life has become so insignificant that it really would make no difference whether I lived or I died. I am merely something to be observed, considered, speculated.

I wish there was a solution. I don't much care what kind of solution or how difficult it might be to achieve; I just wish there was some kind of light in the dark - something that might make it clear to me exactly what it is I'm waiting for.

I thought moving to this farm was the answer to some of that, but I think I got ahead of myself in terms of what I am realistically capable of and tried to convince myself that I didn't mind doing it.

I used to tell myself, "but this" and "but that" but I've run out of buts. I can't think of a single thing I've got left to try or a reason why there's any point in continuing with the legal side of things, except to have my life ripped into by psychiatrists, history coming out that I don't want to think about let alone make common knowledge. I don't care about the money. All I want is my life back and no matter how hard I wish, that's just not going to happen.

How upsetting indeed.
I will PM you in a short while, andromeda.

Thinking of you,
Theta

I am so sorry for your struggles. When were you planning on going to the farm? Does the government even provide for disability if you can not work? I am unsure of what the process for seeking disability is in the UK.

Government benefit is not great in the UK - the government expects a single person to live on £150 ($225) per week which is for your food, accomodation, heating etc.

Even though I have a wife, 3 children at home and one at University I get a little more but not much.

Getting anything is a struggle and completing the forms (75 pages each) are not easy. I have never claimed state benefits before this year - and it really has been a shock.

I was denied disability benefit. I receive next to nothing for rent and I am still waiting to hear about whether I'll be allowed to receive £60 per week to replace my statutory sick pay. I sent in the application a good while ago now.

I even met with my MP to see if he could help but he was rude and unpleasant and ushered me out of the room. His response to my being homeless was "why should the taxpayer pay?" Well, because I've been paying my NI contributions for years, for one thing.

Thanks RM. I am supposed to be going in January.

I did pray for y ou last night. I know a gal in DE in our country. She was denied help for 4 years, homeless too and she had a stoke. I know it was due to poverty and lack of caring for the poor. I hate it when our counties do not help those truely in need. Your family? Any hope there? ginnie

I am sorry to learn of your suffering. I wonder if it is at all possible to "room" with someone while you heal. There are times in life where we need help. Is there some kind of help in your country to where you could find a roof over your head while you get well? I care, I understand how hard it is when people get sick, or injured, and find themselves unable to take care of themselves. What about your family? Will anyone help you during this crisis? NT will be here for you and so will I. You are in my thoughts and prayers. ginnie

if it was within my power to help you I would.....

I'm sorry Andromeda.

I really wish there was something I can do - I wonder about you every day.

I'm sorry that you are still having so meany problums,but i think that the farm sounds like a good idea it may even help you with depresion,animals don't judge us like people do, can you get on disability?it seems like you could exspecely if your doctor say that he can't see you working with the way things are,do try to have a good Thanksgiving

I just stumbled upon a facebook page by a guy in the UK. You may find it helpful. It is under Post Concussion Syndrome (pcs & ppcs) Awareness Worldwide Group. I will be praying for you.