[fkd5322]

I've posted on this website before. In times of massive panic and utter exhaustion seeking an answer. You know, some quick fix that would be "the answer" to cure the Post concussion syndrome I've been having the hardest time going through. I'm a bit more stable now. Before I wasn't responding to responses because my life was a complete mess...But I know this site/forum is full of great people with great advice and support. I get that. It's the first time I've been to a forum for that but I totally understand and see how it helps people to know they're not alone and share what their going through. I just want to say thank you for all the responses I've ever gotten from all the users on this website. I'd really like to just empty my mind into this post because I haven't posted in a while and I want everyone to know my story so that they can better offer me advice and such. This is going to be a ton to read but this is my life...I need help..I don't have many people helping me towards the direction i need to be in. I appreciate any one who reads this. It's my life.

Growing up my parents moved around allot. We started out in California, then had houses in Florida, then moved to jersey when I was around 12 I think. We moved within Jersey a bit. Until we finally landed in a town and settled down finally. My parents bought this big house and actually knocked 80% percent of it down and built up what looked like a Mansion from the outside. This house became the only " Home" I've ever know in my life. It was a place to rest my head full of memories, Some great..some not so great.

When I was little I feel off the top bed of my bunk bed and broke my front four baby teeth. I think that might have been around 5-7. So growing up I lost my baby teeth early instead of having them until they fell out. I had to learn how to speak without the use of my front teeth which are really "key" for some sounds like T-H-. Instead of Three, I would say free. I had problems with R as well. In middle school they out me in speech class and when I got into 8th Grade they asked me if I wanted to continue with speech class. I naively said "no". I didn't see how speech class could benefit me. To this day I have trouble saying words such as "aurora" and "War".


I get self conscious, I become afraid to talk because I think that someones gonna say something about the way I talk. I had a kid in Middle School make fun of the way I talked and let it get the best of me. Sometimes I think I can't speak as clearly and loudly as I want to. I'm soft spoken. I've been thinking that maybe going to a speech teacher or Speech therapist maybe, Someone who helps with speech and just letting them hear me speak and give me they're opinion on how I talk. whether I mumble or am not pronouncing words right. That'd be a good idea right. Because Me loosing my front four teeth had some effect on how I talk. Even If she says I talk fine well maybe that'll boost my confidence and I won't become conscious of how I talk, which to my ears seems fine except for the few "R" words.


I remember in middle school when I use to have to talk in class I would get super scared. It got to the point when Every-time I would have to give a presentation in class I would skip class and just not go at all. The consequences..Detention. Easy! I can avoid doing what I'm terrified of and just go to detention. Wrong! That's created problems. Me not facing my fears of public speaking and running away from it which has now snowballed into a big problem. I was just barley getting away from passing classes because I was so nervous about being called on that I didn't concentrate much because I wasn't comfortable.

8th Grade summer came. Out of school! No Unpleasant situations to worry about! That Summer something happend that has effected my life tremendously. I was with my friend Andy. We were eating at taco bell haha. He got a call and it was a girl that he was friends with, she asked andy if he could get a bottle of vodka( Andy knew friends people over 21 who could buy alcohol) so he said he could and that he'd get it and they invited andy to come celebrate this girls birthday. Andy hung up the phone and asked me if I wanted to go. I was unsure and nervous because I didn't know any of them so well. Andy is in a grade above me by the way. At the end I decided to go.

Andy and I met up with this kid. He picked us up, We went to go get the bottle, then got dropped off at this girl Christina's house. This girl Olivia, Who I'd never met before, met us in front and then we wen't inside. They're were some people I knew so It wasn't so bad and then we started to drink and I calmed down and got loose even more. They're was this girl Laura there. Laura and Olivia were sitting my each other and Laura I remember being in front of them both. Laura said to Olvia " dosn't he have the perfect face, Isn't he so cute." ( I've been told by random people at bars that " I'm beautiful" or "That I'm really Handsome or Gorgeious" ) haha I don't know..Olvia didn't know me so she was kinda shy she agreed.


I liked Olivia. She was Blond, Skinny, She had such a cute face. I was amazingly attracted to her. And she was cool too!!! like someone I didn't have to try and impress I could just have fun with her.That night we all got drunk and Olivia and I we're flirting the entire night. And I was holding her at one point like warmly. From that night on I couldn't stop thinking about the next time I'd see her and butterflies were abundant everywhere on the inside of my stomach. It was a great feeling. She liked me and I liked her. It worked out perfectly.


That Summer we had a beautiful Summer Romance. Just great memories full of love. Couldn't get enough of each other. Well the summer came to a close. I was gonna be a freshmen in high school and Olivia was going into her Soft more year. So when I started school I was so nervous, I dont know why I can't act naturally in public!!!, that I didn't talk to Olivia in school. I wasn't myself and in fact I was probably becoming someone I'm not. I broke up with Olivia. & What's even worse is that I still had to run into my fear of presenting projects in front of my class and I was continuing to not go to class. Eventually I didn't go to class at all. I would hide. My dad decided to pull me from school because I wasn't going to class at all so what was the point" he said.

He tried to get me started into homeschool but ,you see, My parents they worked so so much that they weren't home so much. They got home at like 8pm everyday. We had a spanish lady watch over us and feed us. So he wasn't able to homeschool me myself. SO I just stayed at home doing whatever it is that pleased me. Basically on summer vacation. Over that long Summer vacation I think that I grew. I became who I really am and was able to act comfortably myself in front of friends and strangers. I became ME.


I thought about Oliva. I had just thrown something like that away and longed to be with her again. Olivia had gotten a new boyfriend. This was 2 or more years after we broke up. Olivia was now at the end of her junior year. I thought about her all the time.


I saw her once at a party or somewhere and from that moment on I texted her and built a relationship up. She was passive aggressive towards me at first but slowly I became very close to her again. She had a boyfriend though so she felt like she didn't know what to do, she certainly didn't want to hurt anyone. It took patience and persistence but you know what I finally got Olivia back. She broke up with her boyfriend and we were together again and this time it was amazing again. Just amazing. SO much love.


I still wasn't going to school, my parents were still working all the time but I had Olivia back and would go to her house everyday. That's what I did, I woke up ate breakfast maybe hung out for a bit and then when Olivia got out of school I went to go be with her. We'd hang out and we shared the same friends so it was great. I think that because I wasn't in school or doing anything that all I had in my life was Olivia. Which might have not been the best thing for me. It's like that saying "dont put all your marbles in one sack".


We were together for 3 maybe a bit more years. Seeing each other everyday. Not seeing each other for a day or two would be extremely rare. My teen years 15-20 were mostly spent with Olivia and it was amazing to be that close with someone. Even her family, They were very speacial to me. They took care of me, offered advice, I would sleep offer her house so much. Her mom got me going to get my GED which I now have. IT was it. It was an amazing blessing.


One summer as we were getting older , Olivias getting into her 20s. She broke up with me. I'm not going to go so in depth about why or things with olivia, I just wanted to give you a general idea and I think I've giving you more then that already but these problems are effecting me today, effecting my post concussion syndrome so that's why I've brought all this up and thank you so much for reading it. Olivia said she wanted to be single basically, that we were both young and needed to experience life alone.


That was Summer time when she broke up with me and I became utterly depressed. I was 19. My brother and Father left to California, My mom went to south america for business, she wasn't due back for 2 or 3 months. I was alone... All alone in A mansion. They're are emotions, sensations, degrees of anxiety and suicidal idealization that occurred that summer. Alcohol Abuse to the max. I was just lost and I didn't know depression could feel so terribly. I was crying every night. When I'd invite a friend over..I didn't want them to leave. The heartbreak stuck with me every second of the days. I went through that until my mom came home and when she came home. I cried, I broke down. Because all of a sudden there she is? My mother? Someone who I desperately needed for all those days.


I would call my dad and he said that I should come to California. To come get some Cali Sunshineeee...Surf a bit. I didn't have any better option. I would still see Olivia but not like I wanted to see her. Maybe if I stayed and summer ended she would have came back to me or we might have reconnected but you know what, I was pathetic..dying without her so maybe that wasn't the best for me. I left to california September 15. All between Olivia and I had come to an end.


I got to california. Reunited with my brother and father. Things were better. They were staying with my uncle here in pasadena. And they're was a scene of family.My brother had a bunch of friends at the skatepark, They became my friends and I was distracted, getting out so much more. It went on like that for a while. I'd still feel very depressed about oliva but there were distraction. Living in my house in jersey..there were no distractions. But california was a bit easier to get through the days.


It went on like that for a while until New Years 2012. A night that has seemed to change my life even more. I went to a party with my friends. The party was on top of this massive hill, seriously massive and steep. He skateboarded theere. I drank a 40 ouncer of beer on the way there. And then when we got there they started passing around a whisky bottle. Then a friend asked if I wanted to come and get food with them and i was so jazzed feeling that the night would be great because they're were girls and good friends that I was happy to come accompany them. We walked out of the front door. onto the street, we all hoped on our skateboards and for some reason I kept going until I reached the beginning of the hill and I kept going...
Down this dangerous, possibly deadly hill. I got to the bottom and my skateboard started getting speed wobbles from how fast I was going and that's the last thing I remember. I woke up back at the house throwing up. Then my so called "friends" but me in a room and I woke up the next morning feel completely disorientated needing to throw up still. It was horribly bright outside and I needed to take the train home because the train was planned to stop running on new years day at 2:30 I believe.


I got home told my dad that I had fallen down and hit my head. My dad dosn't have insurance. We lost the house "the masion" and were now somewhat poor. He told me to rest it offf so I got in bed and stayed there.. for three days!!! having the worst migraine I'm sure I'll ever have in my life. It was ridiculous. Absurd. Three days and then I wen't to the ER and they took a CT scan and found eternal bleeding. They prescribed me a steroid medication and told me to come back in a month to take another x ray to make sure the bleeding had stopped.


I came back in a month took an x ray and the bleeding had stopped which is good news. A week later my smell became distorted. I smell these unpleasant odors. I usually smell them when there are odors present. But it's just ridiculous waking up and smelling this wierd strong smell, it throws me off and gets me down. I've went as far as spending 4,000 dollars to see Dr. Henkin at the Smell and Taste Clinic in Washington DC and nothing has worked.


After I got my second CT scan A month after the incident I was still resting at home. I got a call and it was a job offer, 15 an hour. For just directing parking. Standing in the hot sun or nice day or cold night, whatever and directing parking. I didn't use sunglasses barely ever which I'm sure didn't help.after 3 months I said screw this I'm not going to work while going through this post concussion syndrome and I quit. Now...My uncle was charging me to stay at his house, I had a rent to pay. So No job ...No rent.


I went to stay with my mom. She wouldn't charge me a dime. I went back to jersey to my home town. My mom was staying with a new boyfriend and I was welcomed into his home. I fell into a ginormous depression. I remember getting there and passing by my girlfriends home and texting her at that moment and i remember one thing i said..."Where do we stand?" ( we had talked through text on and off) and one thing she said that just pierced me through the heart was that she couldn't see us together in the future. I fell into a deep deep depression which landed me in the hospital in a suicide wing.I stayed there for four days. They prescribed me medication and counseling.


Then I got out of the hospital feel lost... completely lost. just terrible. My mom said that she was going to Ecuador for a month... she gave me the option of staying alone but after jersey i didn't think that was a good idea so I went...because I had to! to this strange, unfamiliar, place where there wasn't much resting or i wasn't getting counseling or the help i needed. i was in isolation. I mom was working and I was alone basically. I stayed there for three months


Before we went to Ecuador my mom bought tickets to spain to visit family there. So we went there right after Ecaudor. Stayed for 21 days and then my mom said she was going back to Ecaudor!!!1
I decided to stay in spain. I stayed for four months then went back to jersey and now I'm here in California once again. I got here last month. I started working and I quit my job because of the PCS that's still going on. I just walked out.Didn't even tell anyone. The PCS and depression is still major.


The concussion happend a year and 9 months ago and I don't think I've ever got any real rest for recovery. I havn't stoped drinking. I've had terrible hangovers!!! to the point where I thought I had alcohol poisoning. I havn't taken care of myself.

Until now. I quit my job and came home and yelled at my dad sort of to get me help. He has gotten me a psychiatrist who has prescribed Remeron, I believe it's called and I havn't stressed at all since. I also havn't been watching TV, or being on my I phone or computer which I have done LoadS! since the injury. After the injury when I was in bed resting I was blasting through books. Reading so much. I'm an idiot.


So now I'm able to rest without having panic attacks or anxiety, or stress. Will my PCS go away from good rest like this?

I'm just a kid, a nice kid with a good heart..who is just trying to be happy again.

[brokenbrilliant]

Hey - thanks for writing. It sounds to me like you definitely need to get some help with your PCS issues. Alcohol will not help you - it only hurts you. Are you near LA? There is a group called Give Back LA that's for brain injury survivors who help others to recover. They may be able to help you, too.

For your speech thing, I can relate -- I could not hear well as a kid, and I could not tell the difference between letters like "th" and "f" and "s", so I pronounced a lot of words wrong and had anxiety like you. And I bagged a lot of opportunities because of my speech/hearing issues, too. I was also in a lot of trouble as a kid, but my siblings were usually worse than me, so I wasn't the "bad seed" all the time.

For your speech issues, yes -- you should get help with that. People just gave up on me when I was in elementary school, and I didn't have a choice in getting more help. I discovered (on my own), that the key to pronouncing letters right, is to find out how you should make the sounds with your mouth, so they sound right. To this day, I have trouble hearing some sounds, so I focus on the position of my lips and tongue and jaw, to make sure I am pronouncing things correctly. Sometimes I do it so precisely that I sound a little "brainy", but at least people understand me.

If you can just find someone -- not necessarily a speech therapist -- who can tell you if your words sound right, then you can take care of this yourself. It sounds like your mouth and lips and tongue and jaw have just been trained to pronounce sounds in a certain way -- so you have to re-train them, which is totally possible.

For your PCS issues, if you don't take care of yourself and you keep on drinking and living your life without taking responsibility for your own present and future, recovery will be extremely hard. You have to take responsibility for your own choices, not find ways to blame others. We ALL have it hard, in some way or another. You are not alone in that. You need to decide what's more important -- having someone to blame, or getting better and having a real life.

It's good that you are able to rest without panic attacks, anxiety or stress. You need to keep doing that. And make a habit of it. Life will throw us curve-balls, so you have to be your own best friend.

Hang in there - it can get better. Just take a break from the drama, if you can, and give yourself some time to heal up.

[ReWiredKris]

Originally Posted by fkd5322

This is going to be a ton to read but this is my life...I need help..I don't have many people helping me towards the direction i need to be in. I appreciate any one who reads this. It's my life.

......So now I'm able to rest without having panic attacks or anxiety, or stress. Will my PCS go away from good rest like this?

I'm just a kid, a nice kid with a good heart..who is just trying to be happy again.

Feeling like we don't have support or a soft place to fall when things go wrong just plain sucks - even without a brain injury. It sounds like you went through some major depression prior to your injury which can become amplified after brain injury.

Life does get better. Medication can help. You will have good days and bad days, but attitude makes the difference. What I've learned in my 44 years is that happiness is a choice - no matter the circumstance we face. Happiness isn't something that can be given or taken away because it belongs to us. It is a continual choice we make within ourselves. Am I happy all the time? Hell no. I have to keep reminding myself, just like I did today.

My main support after my accident was my mom (I was 38), she convinced me to move in with her after a year of refusing. Being a single mom of teenagers I couldn't fathom moving back in with my mom. When I finally accepted I needed her help she died in her sleep just 4 months later. While my circumstances differ, I do understand feeling lost with no support and what it's like to have feelings of loss amplified after brain injury.

While many of our friends, loved ones and even doctors will not understand what we experience - there is help.

If I were you I'd look into one of the independent living houses. They help you with everything you need to successfully live on your own. My personal favorite is the house type with a live in tbi therapist. They help you in every aspect of living on your own from going to college, getting a job, finding transportation and providing you the support our families sometimes can't provide. If that doesn't appeal to you then I suggest getting a case manager as they can be invaluable to getting your life back - you can find them at the links below. If you can't afford services, some offer grants. Also support groups are good and beneficial for educating family members.

Life is what we make of it and asking for help is a great first step. I also highly recommend finding something to make you laugh. Hold on to your humor, it really does help. Best wishes to you! Let us know how things go for you too. ~Kristy

Here are some resources for you to look into:

Traumatic Brain Injury Services of California - Resources page - This lists many resources including places that help with independent living, getting a job, medical care, etc.

CA Dept of Rehabilitation - TBI program services - This will give you resources for all of CA, if all else fails call them and tell them you don't know where to start.

Betty Clooney Center - This is a great site with tons of links and information. The service area for the center is LA county, but it has great info even if you're not in LA.