Traumatic Brain Injury and Post Concussion Syndrome For traumatic brain injury (TBI) and post concussion syndrome (PCS).


advertisement
Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 02-03-2013, 06:38 PM #1
Angee Angee is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 4
5 yr Member
Angee Angee is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 4
5 yr Member
Unhappy Fiancé TBI help!

My fiancé was in a car accident 8 years ago leaving him with TBI specifically to his frontal lobe. He was in a coma for 8 days and left with a blind eye, deafness in one ear, and a metal plate in his head. He had to learn how to do what many of us take for granted like pouring a drink, grabbing a door knob, and moving his blind eye with his good eye to keep it from doing its own thing. I have 2 kids from a previous relationship of 3 and 5. The kids love him and call him dad. He was working part time when we started dating and has recently started working 50-60 hours a week to help pay the bills and take care of our family. He has two months to decide whether or not to return to disability.

Anyway, I will try to sum this up the shortest way possible. We tend to fight a lot. Mostly it is over intimacy issues. I don't know if I am allowed to discuss this on this site but thought I'd give it a try. He has a difficult time controlling his sex drive. He becomes very moody if a day goes by without it. I too work two jobs, take care of the house, meals, everyone's laundry, and kids. He complains I am not affectionate enough. He is right, because I am completely turned off and beyond annoyed at this point. I have read that the frontal lobe is where our sex drive is located and with an injury it can go either way. No interest at all or basically an addiction. I love him and want to make it work, but have realized recently that if there isn't some form of help for this I will not do this for the rest of my life.

Also, his moods have increased since he started working so many hours. His neurologist told him that he would need to nap everyday to sorta "reboot" his brain. He used to do that everyday until his new job. I am starting to think that he needs to go back to working part time or not working at all. I blame myself and sometimes think he would be better if we weren't in his life. I think he is feeling the pressures of being a father. He is trying to prove he can do it to his friends and family and I believe it could be negatively affecting his healing, coping, and life in general. He claims he's been in love with me since childhood and loves us, but also complains endlessly about things I have previously stated.

He has many great qualities I've never found in another man. He is extremely smart and very good with finances. He bought his own house after the car accident. He is socially awkward sometimes but is learning to control that.

I know my story doesn't seem as significant as many others I have read, but I still would appreciate any advice.
Angee is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote

advertisement
Old 02-03-2013, 09:21 PM #2
Mark in Idaho Mark in Idaho is offline
Legendary
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Somewhere near here
Posts: 11,080
10 yr Member
Mark in Idaho Mark in Idaho is offline
Legendary
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Somewhere near here
Posts: 11,080
My Mood:
10 yr Member
Default

Angee,

Welcome to NeuroTalk. Sorry to hear of you and your fiance's struggles.

I know others with similar TBI disabilities. It sounds to me like he should not be working full time nor taking on the level of responsibilities he is trying to take on. Those I know with similar disabilities are on lifetime disability as am I. When your kids are older and entering puberty/ terrible teens, there may very likely be too much stress in the household.

Have you experienced him having violent outbursts yet? I suspect they are coming. He is long past healing. Now, he should be focused on coping and accommodations. Does he have a Rehab Psychologist or NeuroPsychologist that you both could meet with? You need to understand what can still change/improve and what will only deteriorate as he endures stress.

His neuro's direction for him to nap to reboot sounds like it should have been carved in stone or his forehead. As much as I like to see TBI survivors return to a full life, it sounds like you are just starting to see him struggle. If he can work part time and continue to receive his disability, that might be as good as it gets.

The sexual impulsiveness may be a part of 'rigidity of thought' common to TBI. He may be able to learn some ways to moderate this but will likely need professional help to do so. I have seen similar behaviors in people in my TBI support group. Does he participate in a TBI Support Group? It sounds like you need to meet other TBI caregivers at a TBI Support Group. You need to know that you are a TBI Caregiver, even if he appears to be able to live independently.

I am confused and trying to understand. If he was working part time taking care of his own house and bills for many years, why has his financial burden increased so much with you working two jobs? Did you bring debt to the relationship? He likely needs to not have debt to worry about. It is like a dripping faucet. It will peck at his brain and exhaust him. I don't mean to pry but do feel a need to tell you about the triggers that will not be good for him.

Please don't feel attacked or intimidated. You did the right thing by coming to NT to ask these important questions. I suggest you read my thread Vitamin Regimen. It has some good online resources at the bottom of the post that you should check out.

I believe that if you can find the level of stress/activity he can tolerate and be disciplined to stay within those limits, a TBI person who understands their limits and has a good support structure can have a successful family life. But, it will take a serious commitment of support and sacrifice. Your kids may love their new dad but he will not be able to keep up with their desires as they grow up. Having a plan to deal with this will be important.

The few dads can tell you of their struggles.

btw, How old is he?

Hang in there and check out the links I mentioned.

My best to you.
__________________
Mark in Idaho

"Be still and know that I am God" Psalm 46:10
Mark in Idaho is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Old 02-04-2013, 07:10 PM #3
rmschaver rmschaver is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: virginia
Posts: 484
8 yr Member
rmschaver rmschaver is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: virginia
Posts: 484
8 yr Member
Default

Angee, Mark is dead on. A neurpsychologist can help you both understand what the deficits are and how to mitigate them. As you already know it is going to take you both and from what you have said you are both trying. Maybe your efforts are such they do not fully encompass The TBI reality. I have been return to work for a few months and I can say it has been grueling. Each days is like being ground down to a nub with nothing left for when I get home.

Is your husband getting any counseling? It will most likely have to include all members of the family old enough to go as he will need to, as Mark said, learn to cope. To much physical or mental exertion can be devastating to a TBI survivor with everyone in the home feeling it.
__________________
49, Male Married, PCS since June 2012, headaches, Back pain, neck pain, attention deficit, concentration deficit, processing speed deficit, verbal memory deficit, PTSD, fatigue, tinutitus, tremors.

To see the divine in the moment.
rmschaver is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Mark in Idaho (02-05-2013)
Old 02-06-2013, 02:11 PM #4
Angee Angee is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 4
5 yr Member
Angee Angee is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 4
5 yr Member
Default Fiancé TBI

Thank you for the quick responses. He does not have a neuropsychologist, however we recently started therapy with a psychologist. I have asked him to take me to a support group, but he doesn't want to.
As far as his job goes, I believe it was more of him trying to prove something to everyone. He runs a department and is very good at what he does. While he is at work he seems happy. But, when he walks through our door at night he is exhausted and moody. Sometimes the kids think they did something wrong and I can see the disappointment in their faces. It's like we're all waiting to see what kind of mood he is in.
He is a great person, fiancé, and father. I don't want you guys to only picture the bad. We have been together three years the kids do not remember life without him.
I can see where the debt would drive him crazy as he is very OCD about our finances. I do work two jobs, however I am trying to finish school too, so we have loans to pay. Before we came along he had his entire financial future planned to a T. So, that could also be weighing on him. My goal is to finish school and give him the opportunity to stay home or work a job part time job just for fun.
I will definitely check out the vitamin regimen info. I work in the holistic field so he is on some really good fish oil and he's tried various brain formulas. We also eat a lot of brain boosting food and we juice everyday. He does yoga and stretching with me occasionally and that seems to help tremendously!
Also, is there anything else that could happen in the future? Sometimes I get the feeling he doesn't want me attending the support groups or meet his brain doctor bc there are things he doesn't want me to know. He has schizophrenia in his family (his dads brother) and his parents have some paranoia issues. Also, do I need to worry about him dying young? He wants to have kids of his own and I'm terrified. You mentioned something about his mental status deteriorating or improving due to certain triggers.
He's the best man that I know and want to educate myself, so I can help our relationship and family. But, sometimes I do tend to forget he has an injury and I get so upset with him.
Angee is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Old 02-06-2013, 02:20 PM #5
Angee Angee is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 4
5 yr Member
Angee Angee is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 4
5 yr Member
Default

Also, I have seen some outbursts but nothing violent. I will not get offended I realize I need help and am willing to put in the work. Thanks again for the advice!
Angee is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Old 02-06-2013, 05:15 PM #6
Mark in Idaho Mark in Idaho is offline
Legendary
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Somewhere near here
Posts: 11,080
10 yr Member
Mark in Idaho Mark in Idaho is offline
Legendary
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Somewhere near here
Posts: 11,080
My Mood:
10 yr Member
Default

Angee,

I bet he is coming home mentally exhausted. This is called sundowning in some situations. The persons brain become minimally functional as the sun goes down. If he is not taking any breaks for a nap or at least some eyes closed time, this makes this fatigue even worse. If he drinks coffee during the day, this adds to his fatigue.

Regarding a TBI Support Group. If he will not go, go by yourself. You will benefit from meeting other caregivers. A TBI or Stroke support group with a caregivers sub-group will be valuable. If he decides to go later, great. But, you need the support and knowledge you can get there.
__________________
Mark in Idaho

"Be still and know that I am God" Psalm 46:10
Mark in Idaho is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Old 02-06-2013, 07:55 PM #7
rmschaver rmschaver is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: virginia
Posts: 484
8 yr Member
rmschaver rmschaver is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: virginia
Posts: 484
8 yr Member
Default

I had my neuropsych assessment two weeks ago. I have seen the preliminary report. The np doc was dead on. While I knew i was struggling he was able to point out why. Apparently I have deficits in memory, attention, concentration and slowed processing speed. I also tested very high average in many other areas. The difference between the deficits and my preinjury abilities is a real frustration. By the time I get home I am toast. My patience is nonexistent.

I would not worry to much about going to therapy with him. He will need time to trust himself before he trusts you. I know it sounds silly but post injury takes time for the injured to adjust to their selves. If he is able to hear it maybe a talk is in order on the weekend after he has had time to get rested. Let him know how the kids are struggling to. Let the kids have an opportunity to let him know they understand he got hurt and they would like to help however they can. While it will not change the exhaustion or other symptoms just clearing the air can help. The kids get a chance to be heard and he gets to see how much he means to everyone.
__________________
49, Male Married, PCS since June 2012, headaches, Back pain, neck pain, attention deficit, concentration deficit, processing speed deficit, verbal memory deficit, PTSD, fatigue, tinutitus, tremors.

To see the divine in the moment.
rmschaver is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Old 02-10-2013, 06:23 PM #8
Angee Angee is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 4
5 yr Member
Angee Angee is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 4
5 yr Member
Default

I do not think we are going to make it. I have been checking out places to rent online. As much as I know it will hurt my children I feel it will hurt them way more later when they realize what's going on. In therapy we discussed his injury and he admits to feeling like he has something to prove to everyone. He does not believe therapy will help and admitted he has no goals w therapy. I do not feel anything makes him happy and we do not agree on anything. I am extremely worried about my children getting hurt by us leaving. They call him dad they love him. They still see their bilogical father on weekends but here is where they feel safe and secure. I just don't know what to do anymore.
Angee is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Old 02-10-2013, 08:36 PM #9
Mark in Idaho Mark in Idaho is offline
Legendary
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Somewhere near here
Posts: 11,080
10 yr Member
Mark in Idaho Mark in Idaho is offline
Legendary
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Somewhere near here
Posts: 11,080
My Mood:
10 yr Member
Default

Angee,

It is sad that he does not think therapy will help. The rigid thinking (stubbornness) that is part of head injury coupled with his desire to be 'the man' is counter to long term stability. If he would accept help and admit he needs it, his life could be quite different.

I think you are making some good decisions if he is not willing to accept help.

My best to you.
__________________
Mark in Idaho

"Be still and know that I am God" Psalm 46:10
Mark in Idaho is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Old 02-10-2013, 09:31 PM #10
rmschaver rmschaver is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: virginia
Posts: 484
8 yr Member
rmschaver rmschaver is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: virginia
Posts: 484
8 yr Member
Default

I whole heartedly agree with Mark. You must keep your children in mind. However much you love him it would be a double injury to hurt them trying to help him. I am always surprised by how many men define themselves by the concept of being man enough. I am sure if he were asked what it meant to be a man words like provider, protector, leader, ... would follow. It seems a sad fact that many men no longer understand we define ourselves by our actions, ethics and morals. Not societies concept of advertisement. I feel it has led to social identity crisis.
__________________
49, Male Married, PCS since June 2012, headaches, Back pain, neck pain, attention deficit, concentration deficit, processing speed deficit, verbal memory deficit, PTSD, fatigue, tinutitus, tremors.

To see the divine in the moment.
rmschaver is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Any tips on how to help my fiance when he comes home from hospital? jamiesgirl Traumatic Brain Injury and Post Concussion Syndrome 13 03-26-2012 01:32 PM
Fiance in hospital with a TBI jamiesgirl New Member Introductions 3 03-12-2012 02:19 PM
Terrified about my fiance jamiesgirl Traumatic Brain Injury and Post Concussion Syndrome 5 03-08-2012 05:44 PM
Fiance's lack of communication lcms0516 Anxiety and OCD 0 10-20-2011 10:49 PM


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 06:38 AM.

Powered by vBulletin • Copyright ©2000 - 2020, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.

vBulletin Optimisation provided by vB Optimise v2.7.1 (Lite) - vBulletin Mods & Addons Copyright © 2020 DragonByte Technologies Ltd.
 

NeuroTalk Forums

Helping support those with neurological and related conditions.

 

The material on this site is for informational purposes only,
and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment
provided by a qualified health care provider.


Always consult your doctor before trying anything you read here.