Wow. Is there an echo in here? Lol. It's like hearing my thoughts. THANK you for relating with the fake smile etc! I am an award winning actress myself. ;)

Sorry to hear of your troubles,and I wish you well. I have PCS and am nearly at the 4 month stage, but am not too disheartened yet. I have 3 young children under 9 and it is a tough situation to be in. I met with my neuropsychiatrist today, and she advised that when you have PCS your tension/arousal levels are abnormally high, and when stress is put on you headaches, photophobia, fatigue etc increase. We feel stress and tension more but it is displayed in a different way through our symptoms. My symptoms have reduced this week, and I see this as the first phase of recovery. This is because I am avoiding the things that aggravate symptoms and have isolated myself more, rested before and after activity and as a result progress is made. It is a temporary condition, and you need to reduce stress and rest when needed to recover.

Flatlander,

My wife and I really understand your place. I have been there too, and the only thing that saved me was my wife and my kids. I did not want to go on. I was very depressed and anxious and my only goal each day was to get to bed time and my sleeping medication.

I also have found out who my real friends are. I was the social organizer and "action man" in my various groups of friends. I have not heard from some "friends" for over a year, and most just send an e-mail saying something like "when are you going to be better?" or "we should get together" but they don't follow up. My few real friends popped over once in a while when I really needed it, but I had to really spell PCS out for them because if you have never had a close experience with a head injury you just don't get it. Those few have stuck with me. I wish you lived in Ottawa, our kids could play and we could chat quietly once in a while. Your e-mail really got to me, remember you are not alone. Hug that boy a lot.
Take care, TommyB ; )
P.S. Please do something now about the depression. Anxiety and depression come with PCS and I know anti-anxiety/depression medication saved my life in month 1 & 2.

I Understand
 

Ms Rrio,

I hear you loud and clear. It is okay to feel depressed and hopeless and forever changed. Living in constant pain and suffering does something to a person. Depression is normal. You are a human being. We are all the same really. In this situation we are all acting the same. We all feel this way. We all express exactly all the things you are saying. I so relate to every word you said and you certainly did not alienate me. In fact, I consider you a friend. I have appreciated your input and your honest expression of your pain.
I am afraid you are right about being forever changed (although you still have some hope you are early in recovery) that being said I know. I was terminated from my job. I could no longer do it. All my friends turned their backs too. I am not any fun for them anymore. The thing about you being responsible for your husband if he haves another heart attack because of the stress your adding is totally wrong though. What about the stress his heart condition has put on you? Why is he allowed to have a health condition but not you. The fact is that you now both have health conditions that are going to change your life. My life is completely different but it is still a life. I am still adjusting but in some ways I like myself more now. I am much more compassionate and considerate of others, I have found an inner strength I did not know I possessed and am impressed with. I don't expect so much from myself or others and it has given me a weird sort of inner peace that is hard to explain. My dad is terribly sick with Parkinson's disease with dementia or shy dragers (they don't know which one it is) but guess who is helping him the most? That's right me. I have showed him how to laugh about the memory problems and have been a comfort to my mom. I have had problems for so long I have actually been able to support them in ways that people who don't understand cannot. I want you to know you are going to be ok. Different yes. Different life yes. Different job or maybe you may have to get on disability. You still have a life though. Changes are hard. I know you are strong enough to adjust and bend with the wind. You have a friend in me and support anytime. God knows I go through the same thing all the time. I am here if you need me. Love to you. Be kind to yourself. Forgive yourself.

The dark night of the soul
 

We all have these and it is OK to feel it. Quite necessary, IMO to rid ourselves of the more negative feelings we have. We discover in those times we are not alone not truely. There those who genuinely care. We will be OK, maybe different than we thought but still OK.

This injury is so far outside the concept of how we as a society think of recovery there are some who just can not conceive of the difficulty. To make matters worse we are assaulted with the propaganda that there is a pill or treatment that promises a miracle. It creates an expectation that is unrealistic and not helpful at all. Regardless of what we bring into the moment we all have value and beauty. We are worthy.

I just wanted to reach out and say I think feeling depressed and overwhelmed by the thought of returning to life-work is part of the process.

I suspect that the emotional roller coaster of wanting to return to normal life- work and yet feeling overwhelmed by the idea is proof that we are not quite there yet.

It must be instinctual - to protect ourselves from putting ourselves in stressful situations. We actively try to figure out how much to exert ourselves until we trigger symptoms- but perhaps our psyche is also trying to protect us from exerting too much.

There must be a sweet spot-of feeling good and ready enough- to return to life-work.

I'm not there yet, but with everyone's support and guidance on this forum, I begin to trust myself.

I hope you are having a better time and trust yourself to feel and to know that you are where you are. And this is good enough for now.

MsR
 

Wow, I get you, I get it. I had a great career as an officer in the Marines. I was promoting ahead of my peers due to my record. I had high vis jobs with very senior officers at the Pentagon. I feel that I have descended to the very bottom if intelligence. My doctors say that well, "you have had a brain injury." The high tempo of working and keeping all facets of my life in life and running like a well oiled machine, being extremely fit, going going all the time is how I maintained. Now, I can't to that, not any part of it. I volunteer at a national park where I am not on anyone's time schedule, if I can't work, I don't. Being outside is really good for me. I volunteer in the maintenance department and do things that I can see the results of; cutting up downed trees, stacking wood, leaf blowing etc....I totally identified with the USMC, that was my life. My doctor said "jump and the net will appear" well, I guess it has. Acceptance has been the hardest part but I am making progress.

I think I avoid people at all cost because it don't want the pleasantries. I don't want to be asked how my appt went. The thing that makes me soooooo ****** is when my friend texts me and says "keep smiling" I so want to tell him to F-off but I realize that may be his discomfort with my situation. I find that to be true with with a lot of former friends. When people don't know how to react to something, they don't. My little sister got married and moved to Germany, I had my accident and she came home. I was my moms Lamaze coach for her and we have always been very close. Not anymore. That isn't me, it is how she is dealing with it.

In my darkest days I feel like they will never get better and they do. On my good days, I forget how bad it can get, and it does. Tat is just the way it goes.

Thanks for your post.

Again, blown away
 

Thank you just doesn't seem enough but, thank you :grouphug:

I laughed at being called Flatlander. That's awesome. So true too. Guess where I originally fell and hit my noggin? On the only hill in the city. Just kidding, it was on the flat parking lot.

I was watching my dog run away, and after 3 days I could still see him but I grew tired and fell down. Haha- also untrue but it's a standard prairie joke.

Well, it was good to purge all that negativity I was feeling, in a safe place, where people didn't judge me and in fact, related to me.

The fact that so many of you took the time to post replies is just amazing.

Thank goodness for this place and you wonderfully people who give of yourselves here. :hug: