Very tough for the caregiver. I am so lucky to have a spouse who did most of the laundry and kitchen cleaning before my accident....now he does even more, plus most of the hauling kids around, making school lunches early every morning, all of the outdoor work, bill payments, etc. plus spends all of his free waking hours on the internet looking for tips, solutions, promising new avenues of research on brain injury, etc.

having said all that, I worry about the 18 months (today ) that he has been upset and angry about the jerk that knocked me down because of his own recklessness.

This morning, when I told him (after waking up with a very bad headache....again) that I hated this injury...he said 'I don't know who I can punch'. This from a man who believes in non-violence and has never thrown a punch in his life. The stress on care givers and family members who care (not all do) is enormous. The toll on THEIR health is enormous.

I always struggle between hiding my own suffering and letting it show in order to get the support I need to get through this hell.

We need to know that despite having a brain injury, we can also find comfort and strength in supporting others, even in limited ways. A little love goes a long way.
Sigh.

The other night my husband mentioned that I have no stress. Now I am only working one job instead of two and I am only a teacher.
I thought" oh my god, no stress? Everything is too stressful for me now. I can't sit in a room with bright lights or go grocery shopping or fold my laundry!"
This is more stress than I have ever had in my life. It is just not visible or understandable to most.
I am thinking that maybe I should start seeing a therapist of some kind. But I want to find a good one that understands this situation. Any Minnesota recommendations?
Su seb

Great thread (a male responding here, albeit as the patient, not the caregiver). My wife was my caregiver for several months, the first two of which I was in a wheelchair. She does also have a career outside the house. She took over all the things (shopping, cooking, yard work, bills, etc.) I couldn't do at the time.

Did she get burned out sometimes? Yes. Through this though, there was emotional and relationship growth for both of us.

I’d challenge you to think longer term. Your injury is fairly recent. I think your husband said it best, you are wonderful and you are worth it. Your relationship is likely to grow stronger through this, I know ours did.

Very best to both of you.

Yes, MsRriO, be grateful

I guess I was just surprised to read this thread and find out how many things people were not doing. I have already cut my activities WAY back from normal, probably less than half of what I used to do and judging by what I've read here and the fact that my symptoms have barely changed since day 1, I'm likely still overdoing it.

However, my workload has been reduced about as far as is reasonable and possible given my life situation. My husband is gone 12+ hours a day plus he travels minimum one week a month, often more. If I don't get out of bed, animals don't get their basic needs of food and water met and ultimately, their deaths are on me, so that doesn't happen.

We don't have any family nearby and very few friends in the area, so almost zero support system. That's just our reality.

For those of you with helpful supportive spouses and families, give them an extra hug and thanks... you're darned lucky.

Starr

Yes, lucky. Yes, as I've repeated several times, I'm grateful.

Truth is when I do more around here I'm told to sit down and if I insist on helping I'm likely to receive an angry outburst about how I'm not even trying to get better and I should be resting. I get scolded either way.

Then I also get angry outbursts because he doesn't have help. His stress is beyond insane. Today he couldn't remember something and said, see, you're not special, it happens to everyone.

I felt like my injury and my suffering were instantly diminished. Yes, I felt like saying, my misery is EXACTLY like someone who hasn't fallen on their head.

But wait in the next breath I'm reminded to rest and GET BETTER, yet clearly I'm not special and there's nothing abnormal or wrong with me.

I can't win.

I really feel for Su Seb, cutting words really do cause stress and they certainly don't help healing. I may do less physically than I used to but this isn't exactly a paradise environment to heal in.

I brought up the topic in case anyone had ideas how to deal but clearly it's just something each family figures out on their own. I'm sorry I brought it up.

MsRrio, it was obvious in your initial post that you were looking for answers and that you are grateful and trying to help your husband! I'm sorry if the thread took a bit of a turn but it can be a touchy subject for those who wish they had more support!

do have some possible advice, have you read the wonderful links for things you'd like to let people know about concussions and 10 things to never say to someone recovering from a concussion? No those don't sound right... I'll find them tomorrow and post them. Should just not post this but I feel pot committed and will hit post anyhow!

Another suggestion is that there are support groups or counselling he could seek out. I took my husband to one of my neuropsych sessions so he could ask questions and one good thing that came out of it is he found out the angry/nasty/scowling look on my face was just pain or me concentrating to understand what he was saying or what was going on. That cleared up some issues. He also got to ask questions about long-term stuff, treatment plan, etc. Maybe that would help him or you?

understand how hurtful the comments can be when we already feel useless and like a burden. Once, when I was much worse, I was begging my husband for more help because I couldn't do supper and his response was "what do you want me to do now, carry you around?" I was mentally and emotionally crushed. I would prefer the physical pain to the emotional pain that I read us all going through.

Big hug to everyone out there reading this. We all understand!

Wishing everyone a restful sleep...

CC

My apologies if I made your thread go badly. That was not my intent at all.

Just genuine shock and surprise at the amount of help and support that so many of you receive and how little you are able to get away with doing.

We lead very different lives and yes, I am a bit envious, no denying that.

My best to everyone.
Starr

Here's the one link I was looking for:

http://www.brainline.org/content/201...in-injury.html

and here's another good one in case you haven't seen this one:
http://www.brainline.org/content/201...u-to-know.html

I could have sworn that the "what not to say to someone with a brain injury" included .... well I do the same thing and I don't have a brain injury... comment. Can't remember where I read that one.

Anyhow, the above articles are good to have people around you read. The website is really interesting too.

Hope you are all having a good day.
CC

http://www.brainline.org/content/200...in-injury.html

http://www.brainline.org/content/201...y_pageall.html

http://www.brainline.org/content/201...r_pageall.html

Thanks.

I still do not understand how worrying for my husband meant I was someone to be envied. I really struggle to understand how the topic was a springboard for comparisons but that happens a lot with women, we seem incapable of conversing without making comparisons.

So I'll defend myself again to say that although some of us have partners in all of this we also drag those partners through this hell with us.

There is an emotional toll that all who love must pay.

It's not a lack of gratitude from whence came my thread of concern, but rather from loving someone more than oneself, in that you'd rather spare them this hell than drag them into it with you.

However. He is coping. I am also coping with him being half the man he once was before the heart attack.