Hi Everyone,

I just read this post, and I know exactly how you all are feeling. I have improved with my Neuro rehab, and I am so grateful to have been able to participate in a wonderful program. I am a medical professional who had 18 years of practice before the injury. The Neuro rehab team thinks I can eventually return to work (initially thought my former profession), but now that they have done other tests with processing speeds, visual-spatial activities, multi-tasking, and visual motor skills they do not think this is possible at my current status.

I also told them I do not feel capable of direct patient care anymore, and I feel I would be putting them at risk, which they all agreed was true. It is hard to accept giving up a career I really enjoyed, but I know the potential danger in returning if I am no longer capable of helping people.

I also have not returned to my musical outlet because I am not capable of playing guitar or singing for more than 2-3 songs, and I played and sang in 2 bands where we would play up to an hour to 1 1/2 hours ( about 12 songs) with little to no break.
I can't even consistently sing along to songs in the radio as I once loved to, but at least I can sing and play for even a short time.

It is hard to accept the visible and "invisible" changes brought on by a brain injury. I find it especially hard to continue to "press on" when it seems like I have reached a plateau in some areas. This injury is much harder to recover from than others, because there is no set time limit or expectation of recovery period. And I find it particularly frustrating when I seem capable of doing a task one day, then incapable of doing the same thing on another day, like taking down important messages for appointment dates and times. I messed this up so much, I begin not to trust myself.

I am not losing hope, I am simply trying to find a place of internal peace which says I am where I am now, and if it never changes I can live with it. I am always hoping for healing, but I found a journal from last August, and I couldn't believe how much had changed, but also what really hasn't changed for me. Had one of those moments that you all felt when looking at pre-injury pictures.

I am in the process of getting a referral to a Neuro-optometrist to help with my visual-spatial deficit (tested 6% last week out of 100%-yikes!). I don't know what will come of this. Also doing multiple tests to find out about the nature of "spells" which have sent me to the ER by ambulance twice within a month. It's a never-ending doctor's appointment, but I am grateful for the ability to get referral to the doctors and try to figure out everything.

I am mostly grateful for the recovery I have had, but struggling with accepting what might be permanent losses and the new me, too. Such a fine wire to walk across. Please take care, everyone. I am grateful to have you all to commiserate with.
M-i-m

Hockey-

I totally feel for you. I was working full time and going to grad school full time prior to my accident. Straight A student all my life, over acheiever, etc. That's what's hard for me to reconcile. If I wanted to do well before, I just worked even harder, (although I now realize this wasn't emotionally healthy all the time). Now if I do that, I pay for it for days, even weeks. The end of my fall semester & a term paper resulted in 3 seizures over Christmas break.

I've been able to recover a lot of my academic skills through cognitive therapy with a speech therapist and accommodations via the university's disability resource office. But it's annoying because people in my master's program, (in SPECIAL ED), think there is nothing wrong with me and think I'm "cheating" or getting special help that I don't deserve, because I have extensions for some of my work or take exams in a private area to deter distractions. I HATE that I can't perform at the intellectual level I used to.

SEM,

You may need to create a distinction between your intellectual performance and your academic performance. Intellectual performance may have minor deficits while academic performance suffers greatly. You may have the same intellectual skills but need more time to use them. Academic performance is very comparative within a standard protocol of comparison, such as test taking and time to write a paper.

We often can not maintain the same performance time wise or in a large room with others taking a test and the ambient sounds and sights of such a room. We need the distraction free environment and maybe a bit more time. It does not mean our intellectual skills are less.

I am surprised that others in a special ed program are questioning your needs. They are studying to accommodate the needs of persons with special learning and testing needs. Are they just getting the additional degree to qualify for better pay or do they have a true desire to help those with special needs ?????

Your life experience will give you a very special insight into the needs of others.

My best to you.