I am visiting my parents out of state and last night my mom suggested that I go through some family pictures to put into a frame she bought me that I can take home with me.

I opened the box of pictures and found two of me when I was younger, one at maybe age 10 the other at 17. (I had my accident at 28).

I saw the happy, confident girl in those photos and it felt like I was looking at photo of a relative who has died long ago. Like that the picture wasn't a picture of me, but of someone who doesn't exist anymore.

Not only was that alarming for me to think about, but I really feel like I'm never getting that happy, confident part of myself back and it scares me.

Sorry... just needed to vent where someone might understand.

I TOTALLY understand what you're saying and I can see how the pictures triggered your feeling of, well, alienation.

Before my horrendous MVA, I was a professional writer. When I look at my previous publications, I can't even imagine how I wrote them. They are the product of a subtle, deep thinking, nuanced, intuitive and highly structured mind. I'm not that person. That person died in the MVA.

I found just having my old work around so depressing that I finally gathered it all up and burned it. In a way, my mind got the cremation the air bags denied my body.

I'm sorry if that sounds black, but that's the way I feel.

I have met TBI patients who have no insight into their current condition, and think that they are 100% okay. Maybe they're the lucky ones.

I tossed all my work in the hope that not being haunted by the ghost of my old self, would help me come to terms with living with the new one. Will it help? I don't know, but, as I've got obligations to my nearest and dearest, I have no alternative but to try and move forward.

Smiling eyes,

Just had this conversation with husband last night.

He has gotten all my folders of pictures on one laptop finally. I have thousands and they are all organized but were spread among four laptops.

As we looked through them I realized how different even my vibrancy is. I look so happy, confident, put together...now I struggle to dry my hair.

I does hit me at times. I want my old self back for me badly, and for my daughter. My husband is thankful I've come this far and I didn't pass from the accident.

I'm still left wanting more. Not to work 50-60 hours a week life before, but to be sure of me, confident, at home in this new skin, able to be in public more, think and respond faster, drive-not far, just around town, and have ME time. Be with my family on outings, sports events, hikes, mountain climbing, swimming, playing, singing and dancing, cooking by myself, cleaning my house from top to bottom (May sound strange but it's soothing for me), reading.

It's really like changing a lot of who you have been and making a new life.

Smilin, I understand, and I am extremely thankful to have you and others to confide in and celebrate, commiserate, and just Be among as I am.

Months ago I read a post for a more elder member and she said she needed a break from here. She thought emotionally it kept her in a certain frame of mind. I don't remember her words exactly, but I thought I should do the same and she if I am any different.

Nope. I wasn't more positive or less focused on what's happening or more. I missed the companionship and feeling that people 'get' me.

I am going through stages on acceptance about all this I guess. I'm farther along than I the first few months, but as everyone says, this is a long path I'm hiking. I have no idea where I'll end up.

PM me if you want to chat.

Peace and wellness,

Jace

I think it's natural to go through a mourning period. In fact, I think it's necessary.

It all happens so suddenly, doesn't it? There's no getting used to the idea. On second I was an active, athletic professional, then I opened my eyes and I was some stranger battling profound physical and cognitive challenges. Not much chance to get used to the idea. It was like waking up on an alien planet - minus the probing.

There seems to be stages in the emotional recovery. The first, for me, was denial. I just thought I could will myself back to my old self. Well, that was a disaster.

I think, now, I could be reconciled to my situations if I could just be a more positive presence for the people around me. It bothers me that I can no longer contribute an income to our family. I hate myself for the outbursts of temper.

I know! I know! I'm struggling with trying to think through if I can return to work. I can't really read more than 30 minutes at a time. I can't really write or think like I use to (I'm a university professor). I'm not dynamic thinker anymore.

The person I use to be is no longer. It's now almost 2 years-I'm no longer in mourning. I'm too fatigued to be angry. I marvel at the energy I use to have.

I'm not quite angry-not celebrating the little things. Suspended somewhere in between.

I can do more than I could before (which is great!) - but I doubt that I can do all that I could before.

But I saw ambulances and police cars surround someone laying on the playground today after picking up my kids. I don't mean to be morbid - but if anything this pcs has taught me is that it all could have been much worse.

be well all of you- this community has given me so much. has affirmed so much.

I can't thank you guys enough.

I've been at this now for over 3 years. Berkley- your description is exactly how I feel right now.

I'm thankful for the progress I've had, like being able to start back to grad school one course at time. I know I should be grateful for this opportunity because many have it much worse than me. And I'm thankful I'm alive. But the never ending severe fatigue and the flat affect that I honestly haven't felt true happiness in over three years, its just so overwhelming at times.

I've gone through the cycle of stages of grief. I guess I didn't expect to be caught off guard like that. But like someone said, the vitality that was there, the confidence, the happiness, it's gone. And I don't think it's coming back...

Interesting post SmilinEyes.

I was just recently backing up my computer and pictures and found some pictures from about 4 months before my injury, of me riding a horse in the rocky mountains and was startled when I didn't recognize myself.

I mean, I knew it was me, but like you described, it was like looking at a different person that no longer existed. Yes, the pictures are now 2.5 years old, but that's not THAT long ago and I've not drastically changed my appearance (not gained weight, changed my hair style or colour, etc).

But when I compare that picture to myself now, while they are similar looking, they are very different looking people... its very strange.

I also showed my husband the pictures and he immediately also noticed the difference without me saying a word, but could not really put his finger on what's different either... the only things he could come up with were "you carry yourself differently now" and "you have a different look in your eyes".

He also went onto say that no one goes through 2 years of constant pain, exhaustion and struggle without being changed somehow.

It was and is disconcerting though. I've mostly spent the last 2 years trying to survive, fight and somehow get back to where I started, I think the reality of my situation is just starting to really sink in, even though my health care team has been trying to manage my expectations from the beginning, there's still a big part of me that refuses to accept that, so seeing the pictures was a slap in the face for sure.

My thanks for posting this topic... always good to know we're not alone.

Starr

If you don't mind me asking, what's your subject area? I'm married to a professor.

When your whole life in based on your cognitive abilities and, driven by your intellectual curiosity, I am sure that it is exceptionally difficult to come to terms with a TBI. A brain injury is a challenge to every patient's sense of self,but that must be doubly true when your identity is so inextricably entwined with your intellect.

I feel for you.

Hi Ladies,

It's amazing how your words sound so familiar. Plus husband to husband. My husband looked through the photos with me Thursday night and his heart sank seeing the difference.

Like one of you said, it's not a physical thing. It's your presence, your light, confidence, it's not the same. I miss being a leader, the organizer, the social event planner, all of it.

I'm not that woman anymore. And where do I belong now? My fellow teachers are all masters of the above and I'm not registering anymore. My friends all work, run a household, are very active. Limbo is right.

I can't maintain all the relationships prior to the accident. I have two besties that stay in close contact with me and one of my former Principals I worked for that emails me EVERY night. He's a good man.

Thank you for sharing those raw emotions ladies. I know here that my alone feelings calm because others understand.

Peace and wellness,

Jace

Ah, thanks to all of you and your kind words. They soothe this soul.

I teach East Asian history, mostly modern Japan. Although that all seems like a lifetime ago. Last year I got proofs back for a book I was editing and I cried because not only could I not read it (double vision-), I could not understand it.

I can't even fathom teaching - the course syllabus seems foreign - but it's the energy levels and the fatigue and the pace of it all. Every day I can sustain maybe one hour of activity, before I wilt and my brain shuts down.

I know that once I have the energy and then the vision improves then perhaps I can begin to put the pieces back. But I'm not there. Maybe I won't be there for a long while. I don't know.

I know life is always changing, and we are adapting. WE are in transition. Hugs to you all-