[Tmarie23]

I miss when I used to be tired and I'd take a nap/go to sleep and actually wake up energetic and feeling normal/refreshed, ready to do anything and everything. I was a machine. Worked my *** off 30 hours a week, took 4 classes at college and had a 4.0, went to the gym 3-4 times a week and had an amazing social life; always going to events and to friends houses and baking things to bring over. I don't even know how I fit everything I did into 24 hours each day but I did so with such ease/determination with a smile on my face. I loved my life. Everything was so easy, I was so motivated, I took pride in my compassion and intelligence and being involved. I don't want a "new me". I loved who I was and I loved feeling great. I took so much pride in my brain and how productive I was. I became the person I always wanted to be/dreamed of being.

People always say it gets better, and "you will recover", but what is really meant by that? I don't want to work around things. I don't want to feel like **** constantly. I don't want to be limited on what I can do, when I do it, how often I do it, or how I do it. I want my damn freedom. I don't care if I sound like an ungrateful "brat" or whatever. This isn't me and it never will be. This blows. I hate being around people too. I'm so bitter. They're all so lucky and they don't even know it. I envy them so much that I just hate being around them. I'm insanely jealous of everyone I see.

I never have a "good" day. My "good" days are worse than my worst imaginable day pre-injury. I NEVER feel normal, or good. The only times I do things or get anything done is when im pushing myself. I don't want to push myself, or force myself. I just want to LIVE. And FEEL good while doing it. Not "drag" myself through life. What kind of life is that? I'm definitely not feeling positive and I'm frustrated/angry. I'm so tired of this. I feel myself just getting more and more angry. All I want is me. I want to go to Barnes & Noble and order coffee and not be overstimulated and read a damn book. I want to go on the boat with my dad. I want to go camping and white water rafting and DO things and NOT feel weird/like ****. I want to not see and hear everything at once.

Is this life? Is this what I have to look forward to? Worrying about how shitty I feel constantly and dancing around symptoms? Does it actually get better, or do people just get used to the hell they're living in? Although, I don't ever see myself getting used to this, I can't do anything. How the hell am I ever going to support myself? Can't live with my parents forever.