Mark, glad to hear from you. I thought about what you said a while ago: this is a war. This is a war. We have to focus on our recovery one hundred and ten percent. If I start thinking about the lost years, opportunities, I literally become paralyzed by anxiety and depression. Nothing can get in the way of our recovery. Let us be selfish. If a thought or an activity does not serve our recovery, we must walk away. This is a lone fight, a lonely battle, but still conquerable. There should be no bounds to human endeavour.

you're 100 percent right. thanks for reminding me of what I said. I fell deep the past week. doing stupid things. I then realized that god forbid I did die it's not like I would get relief. I wouldn't know I got relief lol. And if there is a god he'd be mad I killed myself, so I couldn't win lol. so the only chance for relief lies in this life.
And you're right. I stopped watching news, will try hard to forget the losses and figure out how to best live with this nightmare and conquer it.
For some reason I feel much better at night maybe its dark and quiet and not to hard on your senses