Hi all.

First, I want to thank all of the amazing contributors that I've already seen on this group. I've been cruising this support group for a little while as I recently have been gaining firsthand knowledge of TBI and PCS.

A little about me: I'm married with four children ages 5 to 13 years old. On Sunday September 21st our solid wood pantry door broke off the hinge and clocked me in the left temple. I didn't think too much of it at the time, I've had plenty of had knocks before, what's another mild concussion? I pushed on through the rest the day really not feeling too bad. Maybe a little bit dizzy and definitely had a headache but I didn't feel too bad overall. I felt a little tired. Just another bump on the head.

I'm a middle school language arts teacher and I went into work the following Monday. About halfway through the day I knew something was terribly off. I was feeling very dizzy, I was mixing up my words, and yes my students were pointing that out to me, I had a hard time concentrating and I had no appetite at all. I called my doctors consulting nurse line at lunchtime and she advised that I go in to urgent care as soon as possible. After some basic office test and a normal CAT scan I was informed that I had a concussion (what, really?!) and that I should take it easy for a couple of days if possible. I took the doctors advice and took the next two days off of work. I essentially slept those two days almost entirely. I think denial that something worse was wrong and partially due to my stubborn nature I went ahead and tried to return to work Thursday morning. On my 20 minute drive in I probably had the thought at least four times that "I really should just turn around and go home." When I got to work and went to sign in I broke down in front of one of our office secretaries. I told her I was still feeling a little dizzy and that I just wasn't sure if I was up to being there. She told me to let her know if I thought I needed to go home ASAP and I promised that I would. Once I got up to my classroom I knew that I shouldn't be there at all. I was so stupid to have gone in. Our head secretary came up shortly thereafter and told me (nicely) to pack up and I needed to go home. She wasn't going to give me the choice.
I have not been back to work since then. In the meantime I have seen my PCP who put me on the agonizing"total brain rest for a month", a neurologist, I have had an MRI of my brain and cervical spine (both clear) and I have just seen a specialist to get started on cognitive evaluations and other testing to see what treatments and specialists I need from here on out. I have almost all of the classic TBI/PCS symptoms and apparently some issues with my vestibular functioning.

I've been meaning to introduce myself for a while but today I feel I particularly need to reach out because I feel like I am on the verge of a breakdown. Or maybe I did just break down.

Yesterday was just a very long day and today all I want to do is sleep. Maybe my fatigue has contributed to my emotions right now. Maybe I'm just overwhelmed.

So here's my deal: I'm supposed to be attempting to return to my teaching job starting half time next week. Just 4 hours a day on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. Right as I was going to lay down this morning I received a conference call from my principal, my HR lady and my literacy coach to discuss my return plans. I felt a little bit ambushed and totally broke down in tears after the conversation. I was completely overwhelmed by all the details and honesty of my situation. They seem a bit concerned with the accommodations and recommendations from my doctor and I didn't get the impression that they seem positive that I am really ready to return. I'm not sure that I AM ready to return. I was honest with them however and told them that I often don't know my limitations until I test them and that this is a huge trial and error period and we all need to be flexible. If I were in their shoes I would be nervous about me coming back as well. I have light and noise restrictions and we don't know what school environment stimuli might put me into overload. It's one thing to try to anticipate and think about the environmental exposures and then it is a completely different thing to actually BE in the environment.

I am absolutely terrified right now and not sure that I really am ready to go back. I feel awful because I had my husband call me and I completely broke down. He's so darn busy at work and I feel bad that I interrupted his work day and caused him even more stress. He has been absolutely amazing and supportive though… Most of the time! The last two months have not been easy. This sucks so incredibly bad and I've never been so scared.

What if I can't go back to work? What if I go back and completely meltdown? What if I can't handle the functions of my job anymore? I am a teacher. I need to be able to handle distractions and not get overwhelmed. I feel like I might be in denial...but I won't know what I can handle until I try it, right? I apologize for the lengthy post but I am freaking out.