Hey everyone,

I posted this over in the New Members Introduction forum, but got told to repost it over here. This is a very long story so I'll preface this with a shorter version, feel free to skip down if you want.


Short story:
About 2 months ago I got a concussion. 3 weeks later, as symptoms were improving, I hit my head again and the symptoms came rushing back. About a week later, I hit my head again. Then a couple days later, there's a chance that I bumped my head in my sleep. And about 2 weeks later, I took another light hit to the head. The symptoms are bad and the fear of hitting my head again or somehow making my symptoms worse is terrifying. I'm a freshman in college with great friends, a great family, a great girlfriend, and a great life. But now I'm worried that all of that's going to change.

The symptoms:
-Dizziness
-Slight balance issues
-Problems with my vision (everything kind of overwhelming or hard to focus on, feels like my brain takes longer to process it all)
-Anxiety
-Depression
-Mood swings
-Mild irritability
-Brain fog (possibly my least favorite symptom)
-Occasional problems focusing
-Occasional headache (fairly mild though)
-Occasional head tingliness/random body tingliness
-Head/ear pressure/pressure under left eye (though mainly ear pressure)
-Ears draining fluid (seems to be earwax though not sure)
-Ringing in ears


Long story:
On January 15th I went snowboarding with a friend, and I took a turn I wasn't ready for. I flung backwards and slammed the back of my head on the fairly hard ice (I was wearing a helmet thank god). I didn't lose consciousness or have memory loss or anything, but I was a little dazed. I felt relatively fine though, and finished out the day. Yet, about 7 or 8 hours later though I started feeling a little funny. I went over to my friend's house anyway and had 2 beers, and noticed they hit me a lot harder. The friend that I went snowboarding with is a certified EMT, so he did a test to see if my eyes were dilated and they weren't, so he said I was fine. The next morning though, I woke up just feeling dazed. I went to the health center on my campus, they did a concussion test on me, and I passed just fine. They diagnosed me with a mild concussion and recommend I take it relatively easy. And I did for the most part; I still studied kind of hard and drank occasionally, but I stopped working out for 2 weeks. I was feeling fairly better (though not 100%) and started lifting again. It was going fine for the first 3 days or so, until I went to a jiu jistu practice where I lightly bumped my head. A couple hours later, all of my symptoms came back. I went to the urgent center near me the next night and again, I passed all of the concussion tests just fine. He said I probably either got another mild concussion or just re-aggravated my symptoms. He said I didn't need a CT scan, told me to take it easy, and honestly, I did.

I stopped drinking. I stopped working out. I smoked marijuana occasionally but in a weird way I felt like that helped sometimes. Yet, a week after the second hit, I jumped into bed to take a nap and slammed the back left corner of my head on the corner of a sideboard that I had on my bed. I felt the symptoms come back later that night. The next day happened to be February 13th, so despite feeling off I went to the mall and went shopping for my long distance girlfriend's Valentine's day presents (she was coming into town late that night). I noticed I got fairly overwhelmed while I was there (what I worried was that I was getting confused). Yet, I got the presents, came back, and tried to finish up the rest of my homework before I had to pick her up. I was still feeling very off though. So I decided to head downstairs to my cafeteria to get some food/water, but noticed I got very overwhelmed (this time i felt relatively confused) and so I went back upstairs and asked a friend to drive me to the ER (basically to make sure I wasn't going to die when my girlfriend got here). So I did that, passed a concussion test yet again, but was still managed to cry my eyes out (before the concussions I was far from a crier). The doctor ordered a CT scan just in case (and probably just to help me sleep at night) and it came back just fine. Regardless, he ordered a week off of classes and schoolwork for me.

So later that weekend, my girlfriend drove me the 2 hours back home and then she went back to her school. I was feeling slightly better after the nice weekend, yet kind of tired. So I went to bed to take a nap, but had a dream that I hit my head on my headboard. I woke up from it, felt paranoid but kind of dismissed it, and just concussion-proofed my headboard just in case. I had already googled everything a ton since the first concussion, but in that new timespan I managed to read even more horror stories. So I became incredibly paranoid, and was scared to even turn my head too fast. I lied down in bed most of the time and tried not to think (which was very hard for me, I'm used to being the guy always staying engaged physically and mentally as much as possible). Over time, this started to wear on me. My symptoms got worse. A couple days later, I felt the back of my head and felt a bump where I had dreamed that I hit it. My anxiety spiraled out of control, and I misinterpreted that as worsening symptoms. That Friday I had a 24 hour anxiety attack where I threw up everything I ate, until I took an edible that calmed me down. My parents took me to the urgent care the next morning, thinking it was all just anxiety. After telling the nurse my story and symptoms though, she quickly recommended me to the ER. I was given 1 mg of lorazepam in an IV that calmed me down a ton. The doctor said the concussion wasn't the leading cause of this all, and prescribed me 1 mg of lorazepam to take at night until I got on an antidepressant (should've been around 4 days), and told me to take another week off of school. I was still feeling out of it, but the anxiety was fairly more under control. I went to an outpatient program where I was prescribed a low dose of mirtazapene and was sent on my way back to school after having to drop 2 of my classes. I was still mixed about taking antidepressants though, and didn't like the way that the mirtazapene made me feel the first night, so I stopped after 1 dose. I would take the lorazepam around every other night as needed, sometimes a few nights in a row.

My girlfriend came in town again that Friday and we were all having a good time, smoked a couple joints and were watching a movie. I jokingly went in to tickle her and received a knee to the face (the soft part of her leg, but still a knee-jerk reaction). That sobered me up needless to say, but over the next few days I didn't really feel any new symptoms besides an annoying headache that Monday. It really wasn't a hard hit. The next few days I started feeling my ears popping though (like swimmer's ear). I was seeing another doctor the next day so he just did an ear drain on me in my worse ear and I felt a little better. Some more ear pain came on in both my ears over the next day or so though, as well as head/ear pressure, and then both my ears started draining fluid. It wasn't too bothersome though, and smelled and felt like liquid ear wax. I would also get a slightly stronger ringing in my ears. But other than that, no new symptoms, I'm still not sure that knee really did anything, that could've been caused by past hits too. All of the symptoms remained fairly strong over the next week or so, and I realized I was having some withdrawal symptoms when I would cut back on lorazepam, so I tried to wean myself off of that.

3 days ago, I started feeling a little better. It was a very good day symptomatically, and I bookmarked it as the day that I started to get my life back. Then I slightly tapped my jaw with my roommate's stilt (I wasn't using it or anything, just for a picture) and had an anxiety attack that threw my sleep schedule out of wack (I realized now that it was stupid to think that would've done anything). But regardless, the following day wasn't that great symptomatically. The day after that, I woke up early to see a psychologist and had to drive down some bumpy roads to get there. Then I drove to a sports medicine doctor (finally somewhat of a concussion specialist) and he did an IMPACT test on me. I had taken one for football my junior year (everyone did) and passed all categories exceptionally. Yet, although I hadn't had any serious problems with critical thinking or memory besides brain fog, some of the categories I previously did very well in were scored as average. Then the sports medicine doctor did a ton of extra dizziness and balance tests on me and I actually came off as concussed (finally, though I'm not sure if that's because my concussions had gotten worse or not honestly). He said my concussion appeared to be mainly vestibular, and now I'm signed up for physical therapy in 2 and a half weeks. With his recommendation I stopped smoking marijuana (even though it was only occasional at best anyway). He didn't mention much about the ear pain. But since then, I've still felt very off and symptomatic and it's honestly incredibly hard to deal with. I'm going to try the mirtazapine again tonight now that I really understand that it's in my best interest. I have one final test and one final essay due next week that I'm doing my best to prepare myself for/get done. And after that, next Friday, I have a 2 hour flight scheduled so that I can go down and spend spring break with my girlfriend. Aaand that's about where I'm at.


Self-Reflection/Medications:
I realize how lucky I am that I didn't suffer any amnesia or severely impaired thinking or memory. That doesn't necessarily make this too much easier for me though, getting through the days and nights can be hellish sometimes. I try to get on an exercise bike at the gym for 20 minutes a day, but while that helps my anxiety, I can't tell if that helps or hurts my concussion honestly. I take a B12 supplement, a fish oil supplement, a magnesium supplement, and a prenatal vitamin (for the folic acid) every morning and a very low dose of lorazepam and (starting tonight) mirtazapine. I eat extremely well (lots of coconut and avocado) and do my best to stay very hydrated.


My fears:
I'm terrified of hitting my head again or making my symptoms worse somehow. I'm terrified of not getting better. I know it's early on in my recovery, but still, I've hit my head so many subsequent times and it's honestly terrifying. I'm terrified of this messing with my friendships, family, and my relationship. I've got an absolutely amazing girlfriend who's been extremely supportive, but our relationship's still relatively young and I'm worried this'll damage or break it. I'm terrified of losing my mind, schizophrenia and psychosis are my main fears, but I'm obviously scared of other severe mental disorders as well. I think I'd rather die than have to go through those on top of this, and have my friends and family go through those. I know that's probably irrational, but with my extreme sensitivity to noise I'm a little scared that I'll start hearing things. I'm scared of this effecting my future and life for a long period of time (or permanently). I'm just a freshman in college with such big dreams and hopes for the future.


My questions:
1. Is this ear problem one I should worry more about? My ears drain fluid multiple times a day whenever I lie down on one side, but it's never really a lot. It's clear and smells like ear wax. The general doctor saw no signs of infection or anything. I pop my ears constantly though.
2. Should I be more concerned about this flight next Friday?
3. How easy is it really for me to make it worse? I'm scared that anything minor, like turning my head too fast or going through a long drive or a long walk even will make it worse or give me subconcussive hits or even another concussion.
4. Will this mirtazapine make me even foggier, or mess up my cognition even worse? The brain fog is honestly one of the main (if not the main) sources of my anxiety.
5. Should I consider taking next term off? A sense of normalcy helps with my mood and everything (and my general well-being and preparation for the future), but if that's going to make things worse or keep things from getting better then I'd definitely consider it. I've already planned to take a lighter load.
6. I don't know how many of these hits would actually be considered concussions or not, (or if so if I endured any further ones from various movements and driving the like), but regardless, is there hope for me? Or is there no real escape from this. I don't need sugarcoating... I'm scared, but I need the truth.


I sincerely apologize for the length of this... But even with having people to talk to along the way, most just don't understand. I know I'm young, but I've been through a lot in my life already. That being said, this is hands down the hardest thing I've ever gone through. Any feedback on the questions, anything I've said or talked about, or anything else even semi-related to this would be so greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Welcome Hunter.

I hope it didn't sound as if I was telling you to do something.

It was really a suggestion

Ah no definitely not, I'm sorry if that sounded harsh! I definitely appreciated it. I just made an account today so I've got zero guidance with all of this, I'm still trying to figure out how this whole thing works. Thank you!! This forum seems like it has a lot of great people in it.

That's good.

You're doing fine and just be aware it might be difficult for us all to read all of your post very quickly.

Completely understandable, haha I probably went a little overboard with the long story but I think I needed it to get it out there.

Hunter,

First of all, there is certainly hope for you. Don't obsess about the negatives. Your brain chemistry is all messed up now and needs to reconfigure itself. It will get better with time and rest. But, you need to take care of yourself and treat this very seriously. It is a serious injury to your most important organ.

It's good that you are healthy and value your nutrition. This, and the fact that you are young, are all things that you have in your favor. Take a look at the vitamin page on this website. Your brain is young and will adapt. Still, I wouldn't push yourself too hard. The flight is up to you depending on how you feel. If you know the anxiety will be too much don't go. If the vacation will be worth it then maybe it is worth the risk.

What you are experiencing, happens to millions of Americans each year. It is silently becoming a huge problem in this country because (as you know) the medical community is unsure about a lot of the details regarding PCS. There is no agreed-upon treatment. You hear a lot about rest. In the end, the PCS sufferer has to come up with their own plan of action. That's where the internet and this forum come in.

I can relate to your anxiety and your position in life. I suffered a concussion in October of last fall right after transferring and moving to a school I had wanted to attend for years. I just been accepted into the program I had hoped to start for a while. I was in your current position feeling alone, frustrated, confused and terrified. It was a battle to finish the fall semester and somehow I did it, but I still don't know what the right thing to do was.

I tried going to classes this semester with a part time load and was unable to accomplish. Things were complicated by an incident one month ago where I hit my head and started up some symptoms. I was unable to do homework and eventually went to urgent care for how I was feeling. Eventually, I had to go through the health withdrawal process and w from my classes.

You can see my story here: http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/thread213768.html

All this is to say, I would highly recommend taking some time off from school after this semester, or make sure you feel no symptoms on a day to day basis. You need to focus on healing. You do have the summer to heal, but you will have to take it really easy. It took me a while to realize this but I am pretty sure every PCS patient gets to this realization before the real recovery can begin. It can be a long-term process for some of us. This can be difficult to come to terms with for young and active people like ourselves. I am just telling you from my experience that it is better to be cautious than to get yourself overwhelmed with commitments. I am sure your brain could use some time to rest and not be stressed out.

That would be my next advice. Whatever it takes, you have to deal with the anxiety. I am learning this too. I have been prescribed lorazepam 2mg/day for a year now. It is only until just recently I have really noticed what a negative effect my anxiety has on the PCS recovery. The lorazepam can help but as you noted there are downsides to taking it every day. It's like the anxiety fuels the PCS which in turn fuels symptoms of anxiety. It is a downward spiral if you can't get a grip on it.

Anyway, I am glad you found this forum. It has been the most helpful thing to keep me going through the toughest days. You are embarking on a rollercoaster, but it is not the end. This is only the next chapter. You will learn things about yourself that you did not know and personally it has made me a better, more understanding person. We are here for you as well.