Figured id make an update, as ive been just lurking around for a while. Past two months have been huge for myself. Im about to hit my 16 month mark of recovery for pcs. This is a war with individual daily battles. I still suffer from migraines, possible seizures, some cognitive problems and balance issues. All of which may or may not go away. Doctors dont know, I dont know, noone knows. If it does then awesome. If it does not go away then Ill deal with it when they happen. They are not nearly as bad as they once were and slowly are improving so Im extremely happy about that. Ill divulge into certain things later. Some of this is not even close to being in order as my brain is firing in sorts of different directions and one of the issues I still struggle with. So bear with me if im jumping all over the place.

I still struggle with certain things, and probably always will. Thats part of the problem we all face. For some its easier and for thick head stubborn people like me its a cause for concern. In mid January early Febuary I fell into the depression hole big time. I was already in so deep into the pcs I felt I could never get out. I was sick of failing at things that were once easy for me. I let it eat me up inside. I was sick of looking at pictures of my daughters birth every night, just trying to remember something about it and the following months. Once again, it tore me up. I was at the point where I was actually recovering, but I was still struggling and not adjusting to the new hurdles in my life. I was trying to live life like old me could. It wasnt possible.

Early Febuary was my breaking point. I lost my proverbial **** during vestibular therapy. I couldnt stand on a foam board and balance myself even 4 months after therapy started. I cursed myself out under my breathe, but the therapists could hear me. They sat me down, and explained that its not a failure. Its not a race, its not an overnight thing, it takes month, sometimes years to recover. Its true, but I was so upset with myself that I still couldnt do it. Life at home took on an ugly side up until that point. My wife and I were not speaking, and when we did it was my anger and frustration being taking out verbally. I was sick of hearing her tell my friends and family that I was a totally different person. Someone she didnt know.

Enough was enough. I racked my brain all night. I didnt sleep. I thought about my future and if it was worth living like this. It was an easy answer, yes. Of course it was. Id be a selfish and lose this war. My life, my family, was worth fighting for. Thats when my attitude changed. I finally accepted (with much help from certain key members on here who I will forever be in debt to) that im not the old me. Old me is still there, but hes different, he needs to do things differently and approach stuff from a new direction. The world is a 360 and so are problems. Sure, maybe I cant approach something from 180 degrees, but guess what? Yup thats right theres another 180 degrees that I can attempt to approach it with.

Life at home changed. My wife was over this whole thing, she couldnt stand me anymore. My friends couldnt stand me anymore. I wasnt whining or even searching for empathy from them. I was just angry and depressed at myself. I couldnt even stand myself, how could I expect someone else to stand me? When my attitude changed, so did theirs. They saw that I was still fighting and hadnt given up. That was the general consensus they all ended up admitting to. They thought I gave up and waved the white flag. I cant blame them. The reality check was a spark of motivation that I wasnt going to lose. I was going to win, im a winner, and winning is what im going to do. It was painful and hard. I will not lie about that. I pushed myself mentally and physically to degrees that I probably shouldnt have. But it felt good to do so, and helped me in ways only people like us can understand. It was a learning process. It taught me new ways to do things. New ways to act. My life at home is now much better. My wife says im closer to me now. Shes now a huge motivation. She understands the fight is real. It feels excellent now to hear people say you look great and are acting more like yourself. It just keeps adding fuel to the fire to keep me going. Im now at the point where I feel both physically and cognitively ready to make a return to work which I hope is extremely soon. Semi-normalcy alas hopefully.

Im going to come out and say it straight, some may not like it, but others may adhere the words and use it as motivation. This isnt the end of the world. Its "beatable" in the fact that if you can post on here, you can "beat it". Your not brain dead. Dont be selfish to both yourself and your friends and family by not asking for help or just suffering. Do not be afraid to ask for help. Dont cry for help in ways people may not see or understand, be out right and say you need help. Yes, I was once in that position where I felt there was no hope. There is. The oh woe is me syndrome is unacceptable in my eyes. Sympathy is not going to help you recover. Your going to help you recover. I wish I could honestly say this was my mentality the whole time, but it was not. Stay positive, and accept the situation for what it is. Yourself is your only hope to win this war. Accepting the issues you have IS NOT GIVING UP. Its allowing a new train of though to board the station to drive you to victory. Do not become complacent. Do not accept failure, relearn what caused you to fail. Slow down and think about things. Never let someone or yourself say you cant. You can and you will if your approach it correctly.

Lets all start thinking about the positives and not the negatives. Ive been through the ringer with doctors that probably cant even spell the word brain. Ive been accused, ive been witch hunted, but ive also found a few gems in the rough that understand. Those are the ones that will help you. For myself it was an amazing physical/vestibular therapy team, a very good (only had for a few months) headache specialist, and a very up to speed physiatry team. If for any reason anyone here needs to talk privately about any of this or just wants someone to talk to then please pm me. I will be glad to give you my thoughts.

Take care