Hello All.

I am 28

I started posting here about 4 years ago when I first got PCS. I was 24 years old.

I suffered a concussion falling off my skateboard in December 2011
I recovered in 16 days

February 29th 2012 I got "bumped" on my head and my symptoms started to creep back in. It took about a month for them to reach their zenith.

For the next 2 years I saw a slow recovery.

For the last 2 years I feel like I've slowly been getting sicker.

I've lost all my friends. My relationship with my family is severely strained.
I feel empty inside.

Should I just let go of expecting to recover?
My life consists of working to survive and then resting so I can go to work again the next day. I mean that literally. I come home from work and go straight to bed so that I can make it to work again the next day.

I can't stop working or I will starve.

I guess I don't really have a question here......I'm just hitting the wall where I can't hold it together anymore. I can't take it anymore. I'm afraid I am going to be sick like this until the time comes where I'm too sick to even get out of bed.

Movies were my primary "getaway" and even now I can't watch a couple kiss on screen or watch the "hero" do something cool.....I feel barraged by images of things I can never have or do.

I don't want to become a burden on my family.
I want to find love, a girlfriend but then I am paralyzed by fear that I am cursing someone else to a lifetime of caretaking.

I feel like I've died and haven't realized it yet. Sometime I wish I did die when I hit my head.

Life no longer feels like an adventure. It feels like a sentence.


Symptoms (I know your all going to ask)
Fatigue: mental and physical

If I do "too much"
Be it talking or walking or watching movies, I'll wake up the next morning feeling like I've been hit by a truck. My head is super foggy. Lights and sounds are overwhelming. My muscles and joints ache. I'll stutter and slur when I talk.

I describe it to the non-pcs'ers as "It feels like a flu and a hangover at the same time"

Really the "issue" is the sensitivity to bumps and exertion.
My weight has wasted away. I am skin and bones now.

I can't exercise, hold a long conversation.........anything stimulating really.

Driving is difficult for me. Hitting potholes or g-forces from acceleration or deceleration flair up my symptoms.


I feel like I'm cursed to "live" without being able to "live"
I feel like I'm waiting to die.

I'd take my life but I'm too much of a coward to do so.
I don't want to die.
I'm not ready to die.

I am afraid.

I'll be 29 this fall. Soon entering my 30's with no savings, assets or romantic interests.

Is this going to be the rest of my life?

I've spent countless hours googling the research and "potential treatments" but none of them are conclusive.

I keep hoping someone is going to have a breakthrough but when?

Will the breakthrough occur when I'm in my mid 40's and can't remember my own name?

I'm afraid of slipping into dementia without ever having really lived.

Again: I don't know why I'm writing this. There is no real question in here. We all know the realities of this condition. I feel like I'm whining and complaining.

Could somebody lie to me and tell me everything is going to be ok?

There is always hope for improvement. There must be something that is constantly being a cause of your continuing struggles. I wonder about your sleep quality. Quantity is meaningless unless you are getting quality sleep.

Daytime fatigue and sleepiness are signs of poor sleep quality.

What have you done to investigate your sleep quality ?

Hi, sorry to read that you're in such a bad part of your life. It doesn't mean it will always be this way. Have you looked into getting help for or looking into if you have any emotional problems? Stress, depression, unhealthy thinking can all add to or actually cause symptoms. I know this from experience. Do you notice anything which seem to exacerbate your symptoms? Bad thoughts? Feeling stressed? Loneliness? Any other things?

Hi Windseeker,

I'm so sorry for your struggles. I notice a lot of us pcs'ers seem to have anxiety that is kicked up into high gear after a concussion. That anxiety can make me seem short with people, or argumentative. What it really is for me (and maybe you with your family) is a feeling of being completely overwhelmed. It makes us edgy...any kind of stress is not good for us.

The way you're Feeling is not good for your PCS, but it is difficult Not to feel discouraged at times. I sure have my days! I am on Effexor (an anti depressant). And with the way you're feeling I Definitely recommend you go and see a doctor about something to help elevate your mood, and if you're already taking something, it may need to be modified or increased.

I know that it is probably difficult at this point to put in the effort to take this step, but you Need to start feeling better, and that starts with your sleep quality and something to enhance your mood.

We are all there with you. Xo


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I saw a psychiatrist for about six months in year 3. I tried amitriptyline for almost 3 weeks but the side effects were way to much for me to handle.

Then I was on Valdoxan (Agomelatine) for about 2 months. Didn't help much with the depression but did help slightly with the sleep. Stopped because cost of psychiatrist and Valdoxan were too high and the benefits too low.

The psychiatrist was not really helpful. He'd just sit and listen.....i kept waiting for the plan of action or a diagnosis of some sort so we can figure out what we were fighting.

But he was just an expensive listener that would finish the session off with "chin up, think positive and everything will get better"

It hasn't.

I've had depressive episodes here and there. I know what they feel like, they don't affect my symptoms. They kinda nestled up next to them with their own symptoms. They usually clear out like an unwanted guest after a few days. I can usually weather them.

But this outburst is fuelled by the fragility of my life. It seems like my sensitivity to flair ups has been increasing steadily. Every month that passes I can handle less and less.

I've been in a slump for 3 days now and it's feeling like a particularly bad one. Hence the outburst.

I'm scared I won't be able to shake it. I'm really struggling to see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Is there any support network that you can reach out to? Or have you considered seeing specialists in the areas that you are having problems with?

I guess this is me reaching out and unfortunately there aren't really any specialists here. I saw both the neurologist and neurosurgeon separately and they both cleared me as healthy and suggested antidepressants.

That was back in year one.

I'd have to travel abroad and thats costly.

Oh sweetie, you will get better. For one thing you are young. You lost a lot, your skateboarding, your buddies, not to mention the pain of the actual injury.
You have indeed hit a wall. And i assume you don't have money to spare for therapists etc.
I hit my head and am only 3 weeks into the headache pain, but I am 67, and have a lot less age on my side. Might I first suggest you try small things, forget trying for a whole movie, but start with some shorts. Or some very short audio tapes, anything for distraction. Start finding something you like, something that fits how you are right now. write poetry, try a simple instrument, I know it sounds goofy but try to learn to knit. It is very stress relieving and meditative, and if you lived in Portland Oregon the girls would love you. Not kidding.
Learn to make one thing, a smoothie, chock full of calories. Put what you love in it and turn it on slow. Get a sound soothing device to play at night, sound of rain or wind or even low fan noise. And realize there might be a new you around the corner,and you are right, I don't see medical breakthroughs out there. But you sound like you have to lift some of the weight from your shoulders yourself, and don't lower you expectations, but maybe change them, and allow healing to occur. I send you the best wishes.

One last suggestion from me, get on an antidepressant, at least try one, Zoloft or Lexapro, and you will know if it helps fairly soon, they aren't expensive and sometimes very useful for a period of time.

I'm considering it. As mentioned above I tried amitriptyline for about 3 weeks.

By "tried" I mean for I fought wave upon wave of sweating, tachyhardia and not being able to pee (or do anything with that department while we are "down there")

After one particualy bad case of tachyhardia which resulted in a panic attack (I talked my self down off the other ones I had from taking amitriptyline)

I decided to stop with the antidepressents.

They did make me feel minorly happier but I literally had just about every side effect listed. The costs far outweighed the benifits.

So I'm really scared of SSRI's Thats why I chose the valdoxan. Less side effect, lower addiction profile. No weaning or withdrawal.

It was "an expensive way to wake up in the morning"

It wouldn't "put me to sleep" but I did wake up with the sun constiantaly the entire time I took it. It did little for my moods though. It didn't make things worse but it didn't help much either. Its rather expensive (new drug - zero generic available) so I neglected to go pick up my 1 month refill ($280 usd)

But to loop back to the start of my reply. I am considering it.

Fears: An antidepressant will make my brain chemistry worse.
: Side effects
: Addiction
: I wanna say stigma but I have no social life anyways. lol, can't get any worse. (managed a smile that time)