Thanks Bud. Work has been tougher and more stressful. I feel overwhelmed and I cant relax or unwind after work knowing I'm going to be stressed out the wazoo the next day. I really, really could use a few weeks off to decompress and destress so I can rid myself from this state and begin the healing process.

On top of work being difficult, it is also tougher to keep tabs with my friends and remember what they are doing and what they recently told me. I feel like I am one step behind when I am talking with them and that my memory has taken a step back compared to what it used to be. This scares the hell out of me. I hate all of this and I also know I'm in no position to complain.

I listened to a presentation by a rehabilitation psychologist at Brain Injury Support group last night. She reiterated the need to recalibrate our lives. This includes helping others around us to understand our need to live at a recalibrated level. It is no easy task. But, first, we must accept where we are and do the recalibrating.

When with friends, we can rarely tolerate a lively discussion where people talk over each other. It fries our brains. It helps when we can explain our condition.

The most important concept is filtering. The concussed brain often loses its ability to filter stimuli. Background noises and voices are not filtered out. Visual images are not filtered out. As a result, those thousand words in a picture all hit us at the same time where we usually can look at different parts of a picture and ignore the rest.

I have these visual struggles. I explain them this way. If somebody uses bold text in a document or online forum, my brain struggles to read the non-bold text near it. It is like driving down the road at night and somebody drives toward you with their high beams on. All you see is the bright light. When they switch the high beams off, the other images suddenly are visible.

This same thing happens with sounds, especially voices. Our brain tries to track every voice so it switches between all of the different voices without fully understanding any of them. This means we do not remember what was said because we did not fully process it when we heard it.

At work, you need to try to identify the distracting stimulations so you can take steps to minimize them. In the US, the Americans with Disabilities Act requires that your employer use reasonable accommodations to help you. You also need to recognize the fatiguing events, too much screen time without a break, etc.

Once you figure out how to recalibrate your work and home/social life, you will recover better. You've never said what kind of tasks you do in your job. We could help you more if you could tell us.

Things will get better.

My best to you.

Thanks Mark and I appreciate the response. I know I don't have a choice anyway but I hate not being able to converse with my friends at the level I was previously capable of. Instead of being able to have a fluid conversation I feel like I'm in elementary school and I have to think excessively just to make small-talk, which exacerbates the constant headache I already have. My humor, liveliness, and ability to be outgoing have all been diminished for the time headaches. The only thoughts I have, aside from suicide, is how my memory is shot and the current intensity of my headache.

My assignments vary at work daily so it's not one particular assignment I'm concerned about. It's more so trying to keep afloat of everything I'm expected to do while trying not to obsess about death, my health, my memory, my obligations outside of work, and how to keep going while in a state of depression. I listen to myself stuttering and stammering my way through trying to explain my work and it kills me. I know I sound like a moron but my current manager is too nice to say anything. It's really exhausting, and I can't focus. Writing on this forum is really the highlight of my day.

Aside from all of this, the worst part is the accompanying depression. This weekend, I was consumed with suicidal ideation and my commute to work this morning consisted of me repeating aloud variations of "I want to die" for the duration of the train ride. The passenger next to me asked me if I was ok, which was a nice gesture, and I appreciated her asking. I just don't want to, and quite frankly don't have the resolve to go through this again.

It took me almost 3 years to get to a point where I felt normal from my original concussion and the path to achieve that was brutal.. I lost some of my friendships along the way. I know I don't have a choice and clearly I have yet to come to accept this. Really, I think dying would be easier. Sorry for the whining, and please feel free to call me ungrateful as that may be necessary, but feeling of awfulness, sadness, and depression is all consuming and constant. I can't use antidepressants to help either as I tried that last time and it caused insomnia, making the situation even worse than it already was. Just kill me.

Sorry for the dramatic post an hour ago.. I just spoke to my counselor at work and also showed him this post. It calmed me down and put me in a better state of mind. I'm also aware I'm lucky to have a counselor on site who can help with these types of things.

I have been where you are at, and so have many others. I remember driving back from school one time to go home at 10:30 (a three hour drive) in a panic and wanting to run my car into every bridge embankment with no will to keep going through it all.

It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I lost my good friends, and people close to you won't always understand, but I know at 21 I have a whole lot of life left and a whole lot of time to recover making a new life along the way. Three years seems like a long time, but in the whole time frame of life it is so minimal.

Thanks for the kind words, engineer. My heart goes out to you and everyone else who has been here too. Sadly, I have had that same experience while driving. I won't let myself act on these thoughts, but to be having them is still nonetheless troubling.

Fortunately, I've calmed down from earlier today - just being able to post here and vent in itself was helpful, which I gather is the purpose of these forums. Hope everything is going ok by you.

There are more than one antidepressant available. People react differently to each one. A good doctor will understand the differences.

You still have not told us what your work is like. Do you shovel dirt ? Do you do computer work ? Do you sell widgets ?

It sounds like you have also not mourned your past so you can move forward and reinvent yourself. If you were A runner and lost a leg in an accident, would you expect to be able to run like you could prior to losing your leg ? You would lose you jogging/running friends and others who did active things with you.

It sounds like you are not even at a true diagnosis of your condition/functions. Some of your symptoms may be resolvable with some work-arounds and accommodations. You may need to make some changes while you learn how to reinvent yourself or what other steps you can do to move forward but you have us to lean on and learn from. We need to understand more than the general concepts of struggling and being depressed.

Hi Mark,

My depression and anxiety has subsided for the time being. I work in accounting and most of my job contains me staring at a computer screen for the entirety of the day. Again, this is physically tolerable. Other than a headache, my physical symptoms are negligible if not non-existent. I will pass on the antidepressant as the side effects exceeded the benefit last time I tried it.

Like clockwork I banged my head again getting up from my subway seat yesterday. I wasn't doing anything wrong, I wouldn't have even realized it was there had I not hit my head. I went to a walk in clinic who told me to follow up with a neurologist which I will be doing next week. I cried for a few minutes after it happened and then called my employer saying I would need time off. I took off for the week and will be returning on Monday.

I understand your thoughts on mourning my old self. When this happened initially over 3 years ago, I went to Israel for a few months to experience a way of life I was unaccustomed to. Admittedly, that was probably the happiest I've ever been. I really wish I had an opportunity to do something similar now To learn and reinvent myself takes time, effort, and focus. It is almost tough to do on top of a full time job! If I were able to have a few months off from work so I can focus on myself and enjoy the "little things," that would of course be ideal, though I don't know if that's feasible.

Lastly, I should count my blessings. Easier said than done of course, and this will be a bit of a process. You're right in that I still don't really know the extent to which I was hurt and what my current condition/functions are. Really the only thing that bugs me is my processing speed seems "off" and conceptually, everything I try to learn and comprehend seems "slower," if that makes sense. I also feel like my memory has declined as I am slower to remember how my friends are doing and what they recently told me when we last spoke. This scares me to the core - this cuts to what's important in life. That said, ultimately I will learn from this and make it to a place where I feel comfortable.

islesftw,

What made you think you needed to go to a walk-in clinic and further, to a neuro ?

If you are thinking, "I bumped my head. I must have caused a brain injury. I need a doctor to tell me how bad. " it sounds like you have developed an obsession with head contacts. It is not uncommon but the concern is misplaced. The treatment of concussion is based on the symptoms, not the impact. And, only some symptoms can be treated, headache, vestibular, etc.

I have lived with the symptoms you describe for 40 years. About 20 years ago, they became strong enough that I decided to make a career change and simplify my life. I went from a situation with employees and lots of balls in the air at the same time with limited opportunity to 'stop and think' to no employees and freedom to 'stop and think' when I needed to.

I learned to use 'stop and think' in many situations. I am slower to speak because I stop and think before I speak in a group when the subject is complex. You comment about processing being off and learning and comprehending seeming slower suggest you need to learn to stop and think. That means clearing your thoughts of the multiple stimuli so you can focus on just one.

The ability to multi-tasking may be considered a strength but research shows that multitasking takes a toll on the brain. We keep our brain healthier when we do not multitask. We limit fatigue, depression, anxiety, etc. and increase accuracy. Simplifying your environment and thought processes will help your memory. You are likely not focusing on them so what they say is not storing in memory. In other words, you are not stopping to think about what they are saying.

The common caffeine driven culture of communicating tends to be this way. Plus, smart phones have changed the way we track our friends. The overwhelming amount of communication 'clutter' that comes in texts and 'social networking' create a change in the social fabric. The intimacy of face to face gets lost. If this is happening to you, some of your social struggles may not be just PCS but rather a change in how people communicate. There are many who have never had a concussion who struggle to sort through and keep track of friends with current trends of communicating.

We used to communicate on the phone where it was one on one or in person where we see the other person's lips as they talked. This greatly enhances our ability to process what is being communicated. Now, people tend to use anonymous communicating. Emails, texts, tweets, Facebook updates, and such have taken the place of more intimate, face to face contacts.

We end up with far more superficial communications to sort though. This cluttered communicating is difficult for healthy brains to follow. PCS brains have an even tougher time.

So, try to look at how you may have changed communicating. Maybe you can adjust that and encourage your friends to do the same. Many have found they need to disconnect from electronic communicating.

btw, For context with your struggles, Are you a male or female ? There are differences with how males and females experience PCS.

Just a thought and observation.

My best to you.

Hi Mark,

I know there really is nothing to be gained from the Dr.'s appointment but for whatever reason I feel more comfortable going. Yes, I completely agree it is an obsession at this point but having it on the record in case my employer needs follows up can't be a bad thing. I know it won't accomplish anything as my physical symptoms are non-existent, except for what I am convinced is some memory loss. There's no way to identify it outside of a neuropsych exam, but I know something seems "off" or different compared to before this happened.

I wish I was able to pack up my current job and start anew. I'm not smart enough to do so and I wouldn't be able to pay rent, otherwise. I agree, "stop and think" is a good tool to use in the interim. Easier said, than done though, I guess. I really do hate this for what its worth.

Regarding my age and gender, I am a 25 year old male.

My best,

Islesftw