Hi everyone,

I am struggling quite a bit today. Out of the two recent "head bangs," the last one did me in more than I would care to admit or care to accept. I have had a constant headache on the left side of my forehead. It's physically tolerable but it scares me that it just sits there for the entirety of the day with varying intensities. For better or worse, my appointment with the neurologist is tomorrow.

More so than the headache, I can't shake this feeling of wanting to die. I know I sound dramatic and I know life is always fluid but I feel like my life is over. The biggest struggle besides this emotional turmoil is how I feel like my brain is "empty" of thoughts, anecdotes, and memories of things that happened to friends and co-workers. I feel like I now have nothing to say to people, whereas before this happened I had an easier time making conversation. Now, my memory is so poor that when someone is talking with me, I can't think of a relevant comment or reply to continue the conversation. I have tried studying current events and thinking of things to say prior to being in a social setting and I even then I forget what I tried to remember. Even just writing this is a struggle to articulate how I'm feeling.

I know I sound childish but I can't help shake this "what's the point" feeling. Like this injury cuts right into who I am. If I can't remember recent stories my friends told me or have nothing to say while having a conversation, why should I care? I have yet to let go of who I was before this happened - I just can't put myself through this during each head bang and subsequent depressive episode. I ******* hate this.

I learned long ago that spontaneous conversation and comments tend to be superficial. Rather than feel a need to always have something to say, I slow down my thinking and focus on having something of substance to say.

It sounds like you may be suffering from depression. You should inquire about help with that. It is common with PCS. The symptoms can overlap greatly. Depression can cause memory issues and many of the symptoms you are experiencing.

When I am in a group, I rehearse what I am going to add to the conversation in my head. That way, when I speak, it makes more sense.

If your time with friends is with multiple people talking in a conversation, that takes a lot of brain power and focus to follow. Use this time to learn to listen. Women like it when a man has learned how to truly listen.

It sounds like you are putting too much importance on these social settings. If struggling with these conversations is so depressing for you, you really need to seek some help.

Regarding headaches. I have had headaches that were chronic for 6 to even 9 months after an impact. It just takes time. Sometimes, I would have what I called mud headaches. My head would feel like it was packed with mud with a dull pressure discomfort and slowed thinking. It took a long time for these to stop reoccurring. One might last all day.

I've learned that some of these headaches were related to my quality of sleep.

I hope the neuro can convince you to take it slow and give yourself a break. You are just too critical or obsessed about every little thing. Let go. Learn to relax and things will improve.

My best to you.

Thanks for the words. I really, really needed this yesterday.

I just got back from the neuro this morning. He said the headache may have been caused from the recent head trauma but he pushed me to first and foremost get help for the depression. He prescribed 10 mg. citalopram which I'm going to start taking. For whatever reason I feel better today knowing that I am taking steps to go and help myself.

The thoughts of self harm have subsided for a bit, though I know like anything, these can come and go. The best I can do is to weather the storm when they come back. In the interim, I am going to take things one day at a time and will try not to get hung up when the headache and awful feelings are at their worst. Though, easier said than done.