I've come across a few threads which have dealt with acceptance and depersonalization. For me, depersonalization/cohesive brain fog is probably the worst symptom of all. Beyond all the functional deficits which accompany PCS, the fundamental, underlying sense of lack of self has been almost too much to deal with.

I'm not sure if depersonalization (have to be wary of using psych terms) is precisely the right word for what I'm experiencing, but the best way I can describe it is a sense of utter blankness mentally and personally. It's not the kind of emotional hollowness found with depression, it's simply an ever present sense of things being cognitively off/altered and my not being remotely tied to the person I was pre-injury. The only ties I hold to that person are my vivid memories of things past.

This sense of utter mental blankness -- no inner monologue, no sense of or outside awareness of my thinking self -- doesn't come on in spells, but is rather omnipresent. Maybe the best term is loss of not just cognitive abilities but also everything that defines sentience -- emotional, intellectual, philosophical elements and the comprehensive sense of existence/self. My psychiatrist explains it by saying that there has been a fundamental change in the hardware of my operating system. Biologically that makes sense.

I'm sure that some of this is due to the fact that all the stimuli I encounter -- sights, sounds, noises -- is difficult for my brain to properly process, so I feel like it's reaching me through deep water or fog and even then, I only dimly register it. But even when I'm not interacting with external stimuli, there's no inner reality to withdraw into. Meditation is disconcerting when one fundamentally feels like there's a different thinking self inside. Parts of my body/brain seem to remember how to do things -- shopping, walking, cleaning -- but even if I'm "functionally" completing these tasks my experience and interaction is completely different -- foggy and mentally devoid of non-automatic response.

Apologies if this sounds mad. It's difficult to put into words and it's so bizarrely nebulous anyways. Is this what others mean when they speak of depersonalization? Is it post-brain injury psychosis of sorts?

Does acceptance mean learning to inhabit this new, disconcerting and unfamiliar mind? Does it ever lift? Any advice?

There is a similar symptom that is due to depression that feels like one is in limbo or detached. The common intense thought depression is different. I experience this lack of awareness depression 30 plus years ago. My psychiatrist explained it as cognitive fatigue from overload. As he described it, the brain gets clogged with toxins from a emotional or physical stress and just stops functioning.

Has your psych considered anything like a depression due to finishing school ? Sort of a post partum depression ? My brother suffered a depression episode when he finished an intense year long project at work. The adrenaline from the pursuit of the project became his existence. When that adrenaline trigger was ended, he collapsed. People, especially men, often experience this when they retire. It can be a malaise or worse.

Google Post College Depression or Post Graduation Depression. Both terms are used.

It would be worth trying to find something to do that creates a routine.

The defense industry deals with this same issue as Top Secret programs get finished and security clearance employees need to sit in the freezer for days and weeks ( a room with just books and magazines ) so their clearance level is maintained until the next program starts. The stress of going to work to do nothing is problematic.

You could try a 5-HTP supplement. The serotonin that 5-HTP provides helps with some depersonalization issues.

Good grief,

I know of what you are speaking. I know this is old advice but be patient.

Things do come back around.

That blank feeling was around for a good bit, I felt like a different personality, blank and absent.

I am for the most part comfortable in groups and conversations again but it took awhile. The good thing about this is when I don't want to answer the phone or talk to someone in public now I don't.

Bud

There is another poster here on NT who had a head injury and developed depersonalization symptoms. He now posts on another forum here.

Suicidal thoughts always there in the back of my head

Eventually his neurologist tested him for seizures and found seizure activity in his temporal lobe. He now takes an anti-seizure drug with some benefit. He is only 16 yrs old.

I experienced absence or petit mal siezures when I was young. People say I would become vacant as it I was in a different world. Doc could not find anything in EEG that was conclusive.

More recently, a qEEG showed that my brain was not properly processing information in the uptake cycle. This is where information is recognized and processed. Sort of like trying to put a pen to paper but the pen is skipping and not leaving much of an impression. The neuro was shocked that I could function so well.

I wonder if these depersonalization episodes are similar. The brain is not connecting perception and personhood with reality.

I've seen articles that make such a claim. Some say that this is because neurotransmitters are inadequate so there are not enough messages getting through.

That is why I take 5-HTP and L-Theanine in the AM. I tried taking L-Tyrosine but it had a negative effect. Neurotransmitters need to be maintained in balance or equilibrium to function properly.

You might want to look at taurine. Lots of new information coming out about it.
The Forgotten Longevity Benefits of Taurine - Life Extension
Works at 1000mg a day for my long term tinnitus.
There is a poster at TN forum who says it helps her facial nerve pain.

Also l-glutamine. One poster on Bipolar opens a capsule under the tongue to facilitate glutamine getting to the brain. Glutamate is the highest concentration of a neurotransmitter in the brain.
Oral glutamine restores the GI mucosa if it has damage, but less gets to the brain orally than under the tongue.
Glutamate
While glutamate released from cells that are damaged, is toxic to brain cells, as a neurotransmitter carefully controlled, it is important for brain signaling.

You described exactly how I feel. My biggest symptom is brain fog and headaches. Unless you have a brain injury, I don't think its possible to understand the pain and frustration living in this fog and how isolating it is.

Hi goodgrief20

Hope you are progressing, please feel free to contact me directly for any further questions on DP/DR for your recovery.

I relate to what you have posted and its a very lonely place to be. There is depersonalization and derealization (DP/DR.I suffer more from derealization (DR) where the world looks like a movie or a dream.

I suffered a TBI with onset of derealization due to Anoxic brain injury while having bad sleep apnea and taking CNS depressants Ambien & Alzam. I was going through a traumatic period in my life and couldn't sleep. Im left with a host of symptoms (to many to mention) but very bad vision sits high on the list, my vision is very blurry, any light seems dim, eyes dont adjust to changes in light contrast. The most frustrating thing is that my close family say I look ok, but who can see whats going on with ones brain!

I had sudden onset of DP within while taking this medication as I realised it as I woke up. I felt very disorientated and the world felt like a dream.I feel like a ghost, I also dont know my "old self" and can only remember what I used to be. It feels like I have to start from scratch how to relate to the world. The extreme derealisation and vision issues coupled with the personality issues of self have left me acrophobia, thats how bad it has got.

When I went through the trauma I left UK and came back to South Africa, where I dont have medical support and insurance, so I am alone on this.

I did a lot of research myself and it makes sense to me, as I remember when I woke up one morning completely disorientated with DR whilst on the medication. Maybe I am lucky to be alive, but with really harsh symptoms. I subsequently quickly titrated off the medication after this incident. Hindsight would have been better! My theory is it suppressed my central nervous system by taking two CNS medications caused CNS depression, and whilst having sleep apnea, I had hypoxia (Absence of enough oxygen in the tissues and brain to sustain bodily function). Since then, apart from extreme DR, I have serious problems with short term memory, vision problems (dimmed vision with natural light and worse with fluorescent lights), bad insomnia and agoraphobia. This apart from extreme anxiety, there are so many other symptoms it can be equalled to brain trauma. I lost a lot a lot of my cognitive abilities, business skill sets. The brain fog is so bad and have not been able to work.Its like a computer hard drive being erased and rebooted which is fragmented. Apart from the fact that I have bad agoraphobia and DR I basically am bedridden as do not function properly, and have to force myself to get out of bed or to do any activity or exercise. I cannot socialise at all, as feel too uncomfortable with the DR. I say more DR than DP, as its more about how I perceive the world through a glass pane, and people look more like mannequins compared to when I felt normal. I feel emotionally distant from my own family which is an uncomfortable one to deal with, even from my own son.

Ironically, I have had depersonalizaton 12 years ago, and got through it after approx. 4 years., mostly through very high stress.

Its definately not psychosis, as you wouldn't be aware of yourself and actions if it was psychosis.

Your question, was do you accept this as status quo or does the depersonalization lift?

My answer to this, is that I am trying to treat this symptom the same as when I had DP, which is to accept the feeling to reduce the anxiety, and the lower ones anxiety level drops, the potential increases to break the anxiety cycle which makes this feeling worse. Its not as easy as one thinks, as the symptom is so uncomfortable, and sets one in a continuous cycle of anxiety.
j
There is a guy on Youtube which runs a host of support videos for DP/DR. ** the Anxiety Ninja.

All the best for your recovery and hope we can beat this one!

goodgrief20 has not posted since Feb, 2017

Thank you Mark, I should have picked that up with the dates of his last post. May I ask for your assistance here with protocol on this support group? Should I make a first post and introduce myself and symptoms? I am struggling a lot alone with a host of terrible symptoms, with not much help from my GP who just wants to prescribe further medication(SSRI) ,which I am weary as prescribed medication (poly drugging) has been the cause of my brain injury, and I am sure that the members here would be able to assist me through their experience with healing the brain and central nervous system. The biggest question I have right now is which thread do I approach on this support group? I am a 53 year old male and have a brain injury caused by taking two CNS depressants in March 2019, i.e. Ambien and Alzam (Alprazolam benzodiazapene), where I had already developed sleep Apnea (without knowing at that stage) which brought on a sudden onset of terrible symptoms overnight due to a lack of oxygen to the brain.The follow up by my doctor was to put me on an SSRI, which made my situation even worse. I am still busy tapering off the benzo and stopped the Ambien and SSRI, which has left me with really bad insomnia and battling with a host of symptoms which fall in line with Sleep Apnea & Sleep Disorders and Traumatic Brain Injury and Post Concussion Syndrome. I have lost sense of taste, have poor fuzzy vision, have burning skin sensation, really high anxiety,apathy, derealisation, agoraphobia, lethargia, stay in bed and not functional. I have lost hope as cant seem to find anyway of getting out of being locked in physical and mental turmoil.