I've been dealing with a lot since my injury last May. That is an understatement, but need to give a shorter version of the story because I'm exhausted by it all at the moment.

My TBI had/has effects physical (such as constant headaches, vision/vestibular balance issues, sleep deprivation, weakness and fatigue, memory and cognitive issues, speech etc. etc.) and the fun mental/emotional side (hyper-sensitivity, mood changes, severe depression, anxiety, re-triggering old PTSD, and now suicidal intrusive thoughts when at my most exhausted points which happen way more frequently and with more intensity of late..). Odd sum up, but that covers some bases. I've started back at work (well back in October actually) but only still at 3 days/week, 12hours total.. kind of plateaued at moment, but PT has helped me make some incredible advances and work has been mostly supportive, so I keep trying to remain positive and grateful. Trying. One day at a time stuff here..

Anyway. My partner has been here through it all. And beyond the troubles of this past year. We've been living together for over 8 years and he's seen a lot and helped me get through other things (like said mentioned PTSD and my already existing Major Depression). The depression is something I was diagnosed with and medicated for at the age of 15, and went through a decade (of horror in my opinion) of medication medleys as they tried to find something suiting. He was someone who helped give me strength and support to finally come off of the medications and I have been very proud to say I've been handling my depression effectively on my own since 2008 now. It was no easy feat, but a worthy one to get my life back.

Ah but, this was before the injury and what has felt like a starting over in some senses. Reliving some old wounds. Letting the ghosts out again, as my rehab med doctor actually has referred to it as (using Ghostbusters as a metaphor for what happens with head injuries.. made me laugh, but yeah man.. that's on point). So the ghosts are out... Now what.. And that I'm even considering medication at all, means I'm really feeling my life is at a real threat if you had any idea what I had gone through before.

Point of why I was writing though was lost thinking I needed to say all that first...

I need support. I need real solid support right now. I love my partner dearly and do not doubt that he cares for me. Yet, it's been in moments of telling him (in extremely vulnerable revealing, broken down self pathetic moments) what I need to help me, that I've been getting resistance instead of kindness. And that tends to be (because at that point I'm in some bad place as it is) a real hard shove into the dire zone.

Intrusive thoughts pour in, flood gates open. Not feeling equipped to deal (like, physically intact.. mechanisms damaged). My one person who I trust has turned on me (or so it feels in that moment). Those we love affect us the most. And he has been the most understanding and helpful, yet has also been the last interaction before I get pushed into that dark place. Where very recently I almost didn't catch myself or "win" the battle over the need to end it out of despair. It was frightening.

And yes, yes I'm seeing a psych doctor and I actually called and made a sooner appointment that we both went to yesterday to address this all. But, then today.. or even last night after the appointment.. He says or does things so insensitive or seemingly thoughtless as they counter all that was just said (even by HIM) in the appointment. Even the doctor suggesting to just give physical comfort (like an embrace) in times of need versus thinking he has to say the right thing.. yes, yes.. that would be amazing.. and he agreed but instead, in the moment, saw me getting upset and said I'll give you space and left the room.. and also got angry for me not having answers to his questions on how I felt right away (side note: I have issues with words and speech when exhausted and had multiple appmnts that were draining that day and I did all the driving and he knew all of this.. and this was something discussed too :/ but now forgotten?) so these responses immediately escalate my feelings 3fold and I have no way to express myself (it's awful being trapped in yourself)..

Maybe you get what I'm saying using this as an example.. but things like this.. quick escalations due to lack of patience or "seeing" me or proper communication or lining up... where to me, it will seem so simple.. All he has to do is stop, slow down the moment, put a comforting hand on me or say he loves me or that it's going to be all right.. something positive and calming.. yet will do these things that are polar opposite to that effect. And I feel even more crazy. Why would you stir the pot now? Now?

And we'll have a good heart-to-heart once I'm done all my hyperventilating and near death whatevers and heart race comes down and we're both calmer.. and I can find words again later (sometimes the next day) and it seems like he gets it but then it alllll happens again. like some weird broken record twilight zone..

I want to be clear: I don't want to die or harm myself (average, well-rested -hah- or "grouped" self).. it's when I get either physically, mentally, or emotionally fatigued or overwhelmed, it's as if my brain literally just gives up and says f-this.. and pulls some lever or hits some self-destruct button. It's terrifying. Because then exhausted me is using every last bit of energy to fight this. Play a reel of all my loved ones to try to cancel out the self harming violent images coming at me or mutter mantras/some positive messages that are harder and harder to remember or for myself to hear..

Annnnnd... so I come back to an odd place where I actually start to question if the person who is my support, my rock, my grounding.. is actually a factor in keeping me unsafe.

And that is terribly upsetting. Yet, it plays out the same way each time. I say what things might help (nothing huge: things like, asking for positive affirmations either in the flesh or in notes or through devices.. which after being defensive first then happens for a day or 2 maybe a week and then falls off.. and for me to bring it up again I really feel like I'm forcing something unnatural or difficult for him which in it's self is disturbing to me..

I start thinking these things never were hard for him before and my self esteem really can't handle this in the moments of contemplating life and death (I don't say that though as I don't want to seem manipulative but man.. I feel like why would he pick this as a time to get defensive and fight about saying I Love You, when he sees me in tears and beside myself falling apart and knows it's beyond me because it's related to the injury and now knows I'm "unsafe"???)

Now the flip side. The other part of me can't believe he's put up with any of this at all and for so long. It must be incredibly difficult for him to watch me go through this and to be going through it too in the ways it affects him and us. There are some limited resources, but there is no real Guide Book or instruction manual here. I know that I shift suddenly and without warning it will seem to him (to both of us, plainly, as it happens that way sometimes the exhaustion just suddenly hits). The amount of patience, kindness, sweetness, all that goodness that he has given, I wouldn't be surprised if he's just about out. I'm exhausted by the whole thing I know he is too. And I feel awful asking anything of him. From two places.. yes, one being a little sore thinking how pathetic I have to ask him to say these things more often (and that's a spiraling place to go and get oneself worrying over your relationship..sheesh) but also in my asking he thinks all he's done before didn't count or wasn't noticed or wasn't enough. And maybe there's some truth to the last one.. maybe it wasn't enough if I'm asking for more.. or as I've told him, it was wonderful so I'm asking for more! It worked.. it calmed me immediately or it made me feel loved or grounded or fill-in-the-blank here but it did the trick and quick and genuinely.. and so I'm letting you know it was effective and I appreciate it and I'm asking if you'd do it some more.. help me... But he's the type that likes to decide things for himself, not be asked so is that what this is all about? hahaha that would be some ridiculous.. don't lose me over being stubborn dude.. but sadly, he may one day. :/ Sadly for me, for us.. he means the world to me.

And so I only told him about my self-harming thoughts about two or so months ago because it had gotten to that point of absolutely needing to tell. People in my life need to know to help me stay safe. As embarrassing and scary as that was to admit, I understood that. I didn't say anything for so long because I didn't want to burden or worry him further or seem like I was trying to control him or our relationship. (I've known people like that and I feared that being misinterpreted.) So much so that I don't feel like I advocate enough for myself or I don't know.. I don't have the strength is perhaps the truth of it now.. I don't have the strength or endurance to keep at this, repeat, repeat.. breaking more each time.

What do I do?

I know he wants to help.
What stops him? He's just too tired now too?
I kind of feel like if that's the case, he should just admit that. Allow me to know the real situation and that I need to find some other support or living situation for now. This is really dangerous right now. I wanted him to fully understand which is why I had him come with and meet my psych doctor. Grasp the full reality or seriousness of this all. Anyone else would have tried to commit me if they witnessed my breakdown last weekend. Glad he knows me well enough to have not, but I worry he also down plays it too much..


And regardless of how dire it seemed or not, if I knew my partner was considering death and had certain asks for behaviors of mine to help them feel safer and loved better in life, I'd try to fulfill them if they weren't harmful to myself or anyone else. And if they'd been asking for years (and still does) for more things to look forward to (even little stupid things..) then I would do them.. plan some.. That I would tell them every chance I got that I love them and why (because I do do that :/) and that I would do silly things like put positive messages around the home to be found or do other small gestures that could go a long way... Things he had done a long time ago or grand things he's done for others recently but still hasn't for me because I don't know.. it won't fix it all? so it's not worth it? I'm not worth it? I think that's where I go.. And this was me not even getting into the marriage thing.. I .. I guess I just needed to vent here.

Haven't slept. It's probably not clear what I'm asking and it's impossible to tell a whole story in a sum up on one of these things I realize, but thanks for letting me type into space.

When do you know if you're asking too much of someone? Maybe go back to my title's suggestion...

duarme,

Welcome to NeuroTalk. Wow, you wrote a lot but very little about your physical injury. I'll try to pick through and see if I can help.

You say you have a history of depression and PTSD but are off medication at the present but considering going back on medications. Have you tried any brain nutrition regimen, vitamins, supplements, etc ? Please check the vitamins sticky at the top.

There are a few supplements that can be natural antidepressants for some. 5-HTP can increase serotonin levels. L-Theanine can help. There are others that help some. But, B-12, D3, magnesium, all of the anti-oxidants are a minimal regimen.

You don't say what symptoms you are still experiencing or what you have done to try to resolve any of them. You may struggle for words when you speak but you don't when you write. When you speak, it may help if you learn to practice or rehearse what you want to say. This can help make you make what you say easier to understand. When you write, you keep interrupting yourself which can be exhausting to sort through. Maybe it is just me because my PCS makes it difficult to follow complex communications.

But, he may also be struggling to follow your thoughts. This can lead to a sort of shutting down. He may be struggling with mild depression. This can make empathy and other emotional expressions more difficult to express.

It may be that when he does reach out, he gets confused by your response.

You appear to have fallen into the trap of projecting your needs onto him. 'He should know what I need. He should do such and such just so I can get by. He should ..... Why doesn't he......' When that happens, expectations will often not be met and the other person gets frustrated because they did the wrong thing. i.e. Gave you space when you wanted closeness. Gave you closeness when you needed space. Sometimes, getting close to somebody in a dark place can be very difficult.

My observation and suggestion is you need to address your depression, either with meds (yuk but they may be needed) or alternative means like nutrition and supplements. Just showing that you are trying to make a disciplined effort can help others be supportive.

What are you doing to try to resolve your physical symptoms ? Maybe we can help with that.

My best to you.

Hi, Mark. Thank you so much. I just wrote a really detailed reply and then I guess the website thought I was idle so signed me off when I clicked Post so it was all lost. :/ I'm going to have to take a break from the computer now though because that took me an hour and it drains me too much..

Just wanted to at least say THANK YOU for now. I will try to get back with the other parts when able to again. Appreciate you. Have a lovely day.

Warm Wishes::

Hello duarme: Welcome to NeuroTalk! I'm still a fairly new member here on NT. I'm a much more active member on NT's sister website: PsychCentral. I could write a lengthy reply to your post because I can relate to many parts of your post. I have also struggled with depression as well as anxiety plus some other stuff I won't even go into. I've also self-harmed & attempted suicide twice. You mentioned you had an injury last May. You didn't mention how the injury occurred. In my case, there's no one single concussive event I can point to. But suffice it to say my head has taken a beating over the decades (I'm an older person now) beginning before I even have memories.

I am married. But I have no extended family & I lead a pretty-much thoroughly solitary lifestyle at this point in my life. I have been on antidepressants (& a few other psych med's) in the past. But I no longer am. I've also tried seeing a few therapists in the past; but never found one I felt was worth the time & expense.

In my case, I managed to "keep the cork in the bottle", so to speak for the first 50 years of my life. (Like I said... I'm old!) It often wasn't pretty. But I did it. Then a not-too-serious bout with cancer resulted in me starting to slowly unravel. I continued to unravel for the next 15 or so years. Now, I think I'm pretty-much stable, although all of that stuff that I carried around inside for so many years is still there lurking beneath the surface.

Struggling with the effects of injury or illness along with mental health issues is so difficult. I'm a very private person in real life & I never shared any of what I was carrying around inside with my wife prior to my first major suicide attempt. And even then I kept a lot to myself. It wasn't until following my 2nd major attempt that I finally decided to at least try letting it go. What I found was that she wasn't really interested in hearing it. She just wanted to pretend everything was okay & for us to go back to living life the way we always have. So, long story short, that's what I've done. The way I see it, she didn't sign up for this & she shouldn't have to deal with it now. It's tough sometimes. But that's just the way it is for me. (I'm not at all suggesting you should do likewise.)

Please... excuse the crudeness of this... but there is a saying I once heard: "There's no point in trying to teach a pig to sing. Because pigs can't sing. And all it does is make them mad." My personal experience tells me that people who don't struggle with mental health issues don't understand & really don't want to be involved. They just want & expect that those of us who do struggle will simply suck it up & get on with it. From what you wrote, it sounds as though that's sort-of the situation you're in. He just wants to pretend everything's okay & to go back to the way he perceives things used to be. I wish I could tell you how to handle this. Unfortunately I can't. I guess each of us has to figure out our own solution. Mine seems to be working for me. But I certainly wouldn't recommend it for anyone else.

Anyway, I didn't have any solutions to offer you here. I just wanted to let you know I read your post & to share something of my own similar struggle. I wish you well.

If you are on your own computer , you can click the remember me box near the log in, and time outs should not happen. Or use 2 tabs or pages so you can re log in on one , and the post is saved on the other.
Or type long replies in Note or Word program then copy it over to post.

Thank you again, Mark. Having that straight forward outsider perspective was very insightful and eye-opening. You brought up a lot of good points. I'll do my best to answer your questions.

As for nutrition and supplementation, I'm a big believer and advocate for this. It's actually what my job revolves around and what I partly attribute to the success I had been having thus far handling my depression without medication. I also connect it to the successes of the quick recovery process I've been having, although I grow impatient with my healing at times. Human thing, I guess.

My current regiment:

Magnesium 400-600mg (AM and PM)
Turmeric 45mg (AM and PM)
Fish Oil (high EPA/DHA blend)
D3 1,000 IU (higher in winter)
Women's Multi
B12 liquid complex
Alpha Lipoic Acid 100mg (since injury)
CoQ10 100mg (since injury)
Vitamin C 1,000mg (since injury)

On occasion: Holy Basil (stress), Lemon Balm (anxiety), Valerian Root (sleep, though has stopped working)

Also take prescription Topamax 25mg (after much consideration) for about 5 months now and does seem to help take the edge off of the headaches (but I have had my concerns if it is at all related to the mood/depression distresses). Headaches are still relevant and daily though.

As for my symptoms, they are as I had listed in my first post, if you would like to revisit. I had written "had/has" due to the sliding scale of severity.

For instance, take something cognitive like the ability to remember and repeat 5 words you tell me, back to you. I could not do this months ago. I have since come a long way, but am no where near my baseline. I have "graduated" from OT, but that just means I can identify common animal shapes and list a sufficient enough amount of words starting with the letter "p" when timed, etc. etc.

My sleep is probably one of my largest concerns as I know it is the connecting factor to all things, so if you have suggestions for that, I'm all ears. I have a difficult time falling asleep (takes a minimum of an hour on average and sometimes triple that). If/when I find it, i will wake a dozen times a night (if I'm lucky enough to fall back to sleep that many times), having usually the same issue each time of taking a really long time to fall asleep again.

I've done relaxation techniques. Exercises to try to tire myself. Stretches, yoga, tightening and relaxing of muscles, breathing exercises, Reiki, music, etc. I will leave bed to break the association of wakefulness there and do things to "bore" myself -- but I will just get wrapped in it, not bored by it and just stay exhausted but awake, increasingly more unhinged/emotional. I have tried herbal and homeopathic remedies, essential oils, heating pad, cooling, more pillows/less, swaddling haha..

My partner snores.. This contributes but not sure how to remedy that unless we sleep in separate places --- which has worked, but that's sad.


Other things I have done to help the depression/wellness..

I go to PT twice a week and do a near daily at-home exercise program. Getting up and moving is really important for me. If I don't I either get really anxious and that eventually leads to an emotional spiraling scene that gets ugly, or a part of me just wants to stay stagnant forever and that freaks me out. I fear depressed sloth mode (and that usually snowballs into the anxious option eventually anyway).

I completed a 12 week Reiki course last year so I try to do self-sessions but have a hard time focusing. A mentor recommended Tai Chi so I have started that and found the slow movements really helpful on different levels, but it was through YouTube and anything screen-related doesn't stay in my regiment too long due to its depleting effects. I'd love to find something local and cheap, but have not yet.

I am a big hiker (or was.. but wish to still be and I attempt to get out there). My dog is a big deal to me -- she helps keep me motivated and I will take her for walks/hikes. Winter weather aside from just my health has dampened this some (ex: might be feeling up for it but it will be freezing rain etc) but getting into nature and the woods nearby has always been nurturing and grounding for me. I'm eager to be able to run again, as that was huge for me, but I know that's a ways off. So I'm happy to get the walk when I'm okay for that. I went months without even being able to do that.

I've been making a point over these months to find the silver-lining, or even see it as a blessing that I have this extra time. I get to do the things I was always to busy for, even if it is limited by other means. So I also draw, paint, read, write, and play the autoharp, but I can only do any of these for a limited time before my headaches get to be too much.

I liken all things to having a cup and me having a set amount of juice to be able to pour into them. This metaphor can be true for anyone, as we all have limited energy. I just feel as though my pitcher is very light to start and sometimes will suddenly spill over or leak or I don't know what.. evaporate? I'm mostly comparing with past self, not with other people. But for those who don't get why I tire so easily, then maybe that's helpful.. I don't know.

I know my partner on the other hand, does not get this kind of self time. Or any really other than his commute. I'm here all the time. I try to make plans out with friends for myself because too much alone time is not good for me. And I also sometimes just do it for him, because I can tell he just needs some alone time and neither of us will get what we want if I stay. He's always been more of an introvert and that self quiet time is necessary for his wellness and balance. He hasn't been getting it. Our apartment is rather small, which we've both been more than happy with living this way but we also had more of a balance of the small space to ourselves than we've had since my disability.

Okay just going to jump to another topic..

That communication, and communicating with me specifically, is exhausting is on point. My speech, much like my writing, is erratic. And the longer we go at it, the more things start to cross fire or get faulty and I make less and less sense.

I'm never sure how I sound to others though. I mean, it will feel confusing and all over for me but does it come out that way? I will also point out that I probably write differently than I speak as I can type faster than I can gather words for my mouth in a conversation. My original post (and this one too probably) took me a couple hours to get it done after all the editing to hope it made sense. But I know what I am trying to say and if the other person doesn't let me know that they aren't following, then how would I know any different?

So there is absolutely something here to work from. I get in my head a lot about it. I honestly wouldn't be surprised if he held back often when he was confused because he knows how sensitive I can be about it all. I used to hold my intelligence and wit to a high standard and not having my physical abilities and now those faculties either has been really hard on my self esteem. But I am my own worst critic and forgive others far easier than self.. working on that.

You're right though about him experiencing his own depression. It's not right to ask anyone to be your personal cheerleader (not unless it's a paid job ). But he's especially not in a personal place where that is a realistic ask.

The truth is, I was often the up beat drum for the both of us. And after a time of being that energy (which can be draining) I'd get to a point where I would be like, hey, I need someone to be positive for me every now and then and cheer me up too. Then, my health issues started happening and I really couldn't handle being that person for us and it fell off more and more as it became more and more difficult.

Even still, I would still try to get up each day fresh and greet him that way and aimed to be the goodness to each other. What started making it bitter was that he wasn't and when it became more difficult for me, I guess I expected him to pick up that task, at least some.. (and is it a "task"? is it a burden? an ask?) But maybe he was never really that way.

I thought maybe in the face of something so traumatic, he would stand up to the plate and see the need, and take it on.. but he didn't.

Now, that's not a fair thing to say and it's statements such as that last one that probably contribute to him feeling like he can do no right. And what if that's true.. How do I change that about me? Because he does have his own way of showing he cares obviously or this wouldn't have kept going for so long.

Ahh.. the true stubborn person being called out now. I feel like I have been the one to make so many compromises and concessions in our relationship, that yes.. I'm being stuck now on this "not settling" bit.. I don't want to keep settling.. or fear that's what I'm doing. Depriving self to keep some "peace".. but it's not peaceful for me, just him. That's not real. And right now there's no peace for anyone in our home. It's awful. I think we may both dread coming home..

Today, I feared opening my eyes. And it's the first lovely day out in a long time. Some freakish Spring weather in February. We both have off.. oh the things we could have done. But he left to go talk to someone finally. That actually made me happy actually. But, meanwhile.. I'm wondering if I should move out. He needs peace. He can't be these things I think I need. I can't keep asking more of him, or anything it seems at this point. It's at a breaking point. And I can't be fixed on this right now instead of healing when it's ripping me apart further to the point of insanity.

I don't want to end our relationship though it feels like that's where this is all leading. And at the worst possible time.. or perhaps it's just through all this heightened stuff, the floodlight has come on..

This was not what is meant by a "quick reply" ... but thank you for listening. All of you.. Going to read the others soon.

Thank you, Skeeyzyks.

Means a lot to have someone else share something so personal and to give added hope. I have no illusion about this... I know this is a lifetime struggle, so any bits of encouragement that things will find a way to settle again and work out (however that means) is always worth breathing in.

I'm not sure what the answer is yet for me either, but will keep doing what seems best for the both of us. He's no pig. But, I do get the point of what you are saying and he certainly did not sign up for this (but neither did you nor I).

He did however sign up for me, knowing this was a part of me and I was worse off when first coming off the meds (or at least I think so) than I am now. But that's just it.. I think we're both just not up for going through it all over again, or something as big as all of that.

I hope that's not the case. I hope we're being proactive enough and that our always being able to be open and see each other will prevail, but it is a lot for anyone to shoulder. I wouldn't think less of him if he found it was too much.

I'm not in a place to cork yet. Seems that just popped again and I'm still searching under tables for it in the dark..

I wish you the best and really, cannot express enough how much I truly appreciate the words and hugs. Keep sending your goodness.

Warm Wishes::

Your vitamin and supplement regimen looks good. Just a few comments.
Is the mag, mag oxide or a version that has better absorption ?
Is the Turmeric an extract with piperine? The usable curcumin in most turmeric and even curcumin is very low. The body has a difficult time absorbing it in most forms.
Some B12 complexes have low doses of B12 and most use the cyano form vs the methyl form. You should be looking for 1000 mcgs minimum, methyl is best, and on an empty stomach.

Have you considered something like 5-HTP to see if it helps with your depression. I've struggled with depression since a severe concussion in 1965 when I was 10. The stability I have with 5-HTP vs the messy side-effects and such from an SSRI is amazing. It is safe at moderate doses and relatively easy to tell if you are taking too much, sweats are the first indicator. I only take 100 mgs for a good benefit. I started with 50 mgs and upped to 100 mgs a week later and got enough benefit that I have not tried more.

The brain knows what to do with 5-HTP because it is naturally occurring. L-Tryptophan converts to 5-HTP which converts to serotonin and melatonin. The body moderates the conversion from L-Tryptophan to 5-HTP and it appears some of us do not do that at adequate levels.

I have some more ideas for you when you have posted enough times to get access to PMs (Private Messages) You need to set your profile settings to allow PM's. To PM, left click on a screen name and select send a private message.

I have to work hard to sleep. I need to eat 150 to 250 complex calories before bed so my brain has the energy it needs to sleep.

I'll share some of my techniques in another post.

My best to you.

Wow, you seem to know your stuff. This is great! I didn't list all the details because most people (including doctors) brush it off...

The Magnesium tablet I take twice daily is a blend (oxide and aspartate) which I know is not the best form. It's the least expensive option and since I take so much... -that was my weird way of thinking. However, I probably take so much because I buy the cheap stuff so not really winning out. I do get benefits and notice the loss without it immediately.

I have a powder Magnesium that is a citrate I alternate in sometimes that I make a tea with and that works far better but the practice isn't as often. I should switch to a better quality pill when I run through these and see how that treats me. Is a citrate where you were going with that?

The Turmeric is an extract in a pill (95% Curcumanoids) and does have the black pepper extract in there for absorption.

The B12 complex I'm currently taking is new for me and it's a blend of the two forms. Previously I took a Methylcobalamin, but giving this one a shot because it was free (work perks). It has 5mg (or 83,333% DV) of B12 along with 100-500% of the other B's depending.

As for the 5-HTP, I've stared at it and read about it and then stared at it. I may have even bought it once over the years but then still didn't take it. Similar to Sam-E. I chicken out because the science behind them sounds so similar to medications, and a large part of my concern with those was that the doctors are just guessing. Our brains aren't all the same, hence so many types of meds. But I didn't want to play the same guessing game and without going too deep into, let's just say my medication days were like living nightmares.

I did try the L-Theanine a couple years back for a short time as it seemed to be the least harmful. I don't think I gave it long enough though as I allowed myself to get freaked out with even that. Or perhaps I didn't feel great on it.. I honestly don't remember.

Bringing all those options up though is helpful for the dialogue. If I've been humoring the pharmaceuticals, I should certainly try with the natural stuff first if the reason I hesitated on those was due to the others.

Looking forward to the other tips and not having to be so exposed to the whole internet world with my problems like this, but this has been helpful and humbling. I'm usually a rather private person as far as ever getting into any of this kind of personal/vulnerable stuff. People don't handle "mental" issues well. Even though I feel most people have something going on. Or maybe not, but the stigma stinks.

Last night I slept by the way! And only woke twice!
My partner slept on the floor in the back room though :/

Hard to be too excited about that.. but at least if I get some rest, I have a better shot of being a better person and partner. I just don't want it to be at the expense of him losing his rest or comfort. We'll have to keep shifting this to find the right compromise.

Thanks again, Mark!

Be well::

Regarding your partner's snoring, have you tried sleeping with earplugs ? I use them to sleep when my wife snores. They help a lot.

Regarding 5-HTP, taking it is like a diabetic taking insulin. If your body is not converting L-Tryptophan to 5-HTP in adequate amounts, you will be lacking in serotonin. Taking some can make up for that lack. If it makes a difference, you have your diagnosis of a need. The risk of an overdose is minimal if the dose is increased in small increments.

I lived with high serotonin levels due to a prescribed and needed high dose SSRI for 14 years. The 100 mgs of 5-HTP works far better.

btw, I go to bed at a different time than my wife so she can be fully asleep before I get in bed so I do not get focused on the sounds of her before she is asleep. She also gets stuck focused on my breathing because I am prone to apnea. It is not ideal but it works.