Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: New York
Hello again to all.
In some ways it's probably poor practice to come on and post only when there's bad news to share, as it gives everyone else a lopsided perspective of what others' recoveries actually look like. For that I apologize in advance. But surely most of you will understand the impulse to try and "make up for lost time", or how fully and desperately one wants to integrate back in to society when the opportunity arises.
I had come such a long way in the 2.5 years since my last injury, and the time since my first post. So much has changed so recently, at least it seems. There were still problems, but for the most part, I'd finally come to see that there is LIFE to be lived WITH brain injury. In the past 6 months I'd been having fun again. I'd been learning. I'd been going easy on myself and allowing some of the wounds from the years of stress and trauma to heal. Making new connections, and revisiting old ones (inside and out). Slowly, but I feel, successfully, I have been becoming a new person. Maybe not always the person I want to be, or as fully immersed in 'regular life' as I would like (nor as symptom free), but the transition had been happening in a big way. I even got in with a vocational rehabilitation program and re-enrolled in school this spring, and overall, felt confident that I would have a pathway out of this position socially.
Today, I fear, that all changes. On the train ride back from class, I was sitting with my eyes closed and headphones in with light classical music playing, just trying to decompress from all the stimulation throughout the day. I was excited to go home and rest. Some IDIOT on the train who was standing without holding a guide rail lost their footing when the train lurched and sent their entire body weight, elbow protruding, into the left temporal area of my head. My head went whipping back and to the side. Another passenger who had witnessed it was looking me in the eye like they thought I should have gotten up and punched the man.
Well I got up and got out of that goddamn train car - FAST. Then, hours after, came some damn unsettling feelings and sensations. I'm finding it difficult to separate my fears and bad expectations from the reality of what may or may not be the result of the impact, and at least some part of me thinks it will all be OK. But after all's said and done, who really knows how much force is enough to send someone back to the worst of it all? I don't feel optimistic, but all I can do is sit and wait. This is the first time in 1.5 years that I actually broke down and left my doctor a voicemail, sobbing, letting them know something may be wrong. I just….
I don't know. I'm scared to go back to the beginning. Losing everything once was hard enough.
Wish me luck. And to anyone else suffering today, hang in there.
-First TBI in 2011. Iron cellar door closed on my head. Undiagnosed PCS, and was unaware of anything regarding TBI at the time.
-2nd TBI in August, 2014. Fell skateboarding and hit head on pavement.
-3rd TBI in November, 2014. Hit in the head at work with a dish rack with full strength by a large employee. CT scan normal. Diagnosed mTBI, PCS, PTSD, migraine with aura, and chronic depression. Symptoms have included: quite severe visual disorders, hearing loss in left ear, lethargy, brain fog, dizziness, disordered sleep, hallucinations and "exploding head syndrome", neck and shoulder pain, migraines, headaches, loss of emotions, all forms of cognitive deficiency, loss of reading/verbal ability, sound/light sensitivity, anxiety, panic attacks. Most notably are a general loss of identity and the disillusionment with the world accompanying trauma. But on the other hand, a new and heightened awareness of the nature of self, others, and of suffering itself.
-As of December, 2015, am still experiencing visual disturbances, memory and speech problems, balance, sensitivity and overstimulation issues, along with the trickier to pinpoint cognitive changes, but feel that I am no longer clawing my way through a waking hell, so feel much better about being alive. Hallucinations and panic attacks are gone (thank God!), getting much better at reading and writing, and remembering/planning my daily tasks. Hopeful for further recovery, but thankful to be at least at 50%.
Last edited by Beelzebore92; 03-20-2017 at 04:23 PM.