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Traumatic Brain Injury and Post Concussion Syndrome For traumatic brain injury (TBI) and post concussion syndrome (PCS).

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Old 03-20-2017, 04:01 PM   #1
Beelzebore92
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Default Hello again to all.

In some ways it's probably poor practice to come on and post only when there's bad news to share, as it gives everyone else a lopsided perspective of what others' recoveries actually look like. For that I apologize in advance. But surely most of you will understand the impulse to try and "make up for lost time", or how fully and desperately one wants to integrate back in to society when the opportunity arises.

I had come such a long way in the 2.5 years since my last injury, and the time since my first post. So much has changed so recently, at least it seems. There were still problems, but for the most part, I'd finally come to see that there is LIFE to be lived WITH brain injury. In the past 6 months I'd been having fun again. I'd been learning. I'd been going easy on myself and allowing some of the wounds from the years of stress and trauma to heal. Making new connections, and revisiting old ones (inside and out). Slowly, but I feel, successfully, I have been becoming a new person. Maybe not always the person I want to be, or as fully immersed in 'regular life' as I would like (nor as symptom free), but the transition had been happening in a big way. I even got in with a vocational rehabilitation program and re-enrolled in school this spring, and overall, felt confident that I would have a pathway out of this position socially.

Today, I fear, that all changes. On the train ride back from class, I was sitting with my eyes closed and headphones in with light classical music playing, just trying to decompress from all the stimulation throughout the day. I was excited to go home and rest. Some IDIOT on the train who was standing without holding a guide rail lost their footing when the train lurched and sent their entire body weight, elbow protruding, into the left temporal area of my head. My head went whipping back and to the side. Another passenger who had witnessed it was looking me in the eye like they thought I should have gotten up and punched the man.

Well I got up and got out of that goddamn train car - FAST. Then, hours after, came some damn unsettling feelings and sensations. I'm finding it difficult to separate my fears and bad expectations from the reality of what may or may not be the result of the impact, and at least some part of me thinks it will all be OK. But after all's said and done, who really knows how much force is enough to send someone back to the worst of it all? I don't feel optimistic, but all I can do is sit and wait. This is the first time in 1.5 years that I actually broke down and left my doctor a voicemail, sobbing, letting them know something may be wrong. I just….
I don't know. I'm scared to go back to the beginning. Losing everything once was hard enough.
Wish me luck. And to anyone else suffering today, hang in there.
__________________
-First TBI in 2011. Iron cellar door closed on my head. Undiagnosed PCS, and was unaware of anything regarding TBI at the time.

-2nd TBI in August, 2014. Fell skateboarding and hit head on pavement.

-3rd TBI in November, 2014. Hit in the head at work with a dish rack with full strength by a large employee. CT scan normal. Diagnosed mTBI, PCS, PTSD, migraine with aura, and chronic depression. Symptoms have included: quite severe visual disorders, hearing loss in left ear, lethargy, brain fog, dizziness, disordered sleep, hallucinations and "exploding head syndrome", neck and shoulder pain, migraines, headaches, loss of emotions, all forms of cognitive deficiency, loss of reading/verbal ability, sound/light sensitivity, anxiety, panic attacks. Most notably are a general loss of identity and the disillusionment with the world accompanying trauma. But on the other hand, a new and heightened awareness of the nature of self, others, and of suffering itself.

-As of December, 2015, am still experiencing visual disturbances, memory and speech problems, balance, sensitivity and overstimulation issues, along with the trickier to pinpoint cognitive changes, but feel that I am no longer clawing my way through a waking hell, so feel much better about being alive. Hallucinations and panic attacks are gone (thank God!), getting much better at reading and writing, and remembering/planning my daily tasks. Hopeful for further recovery, but thankful to be at least at 50%.

Last edited by Beelzebore92; 03-20-2017 at 04:23 PM.
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Old 03-20-2017, 04:44 PM   #2
Mark in Idaho
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I bet that most of your reaction is to the startle and traumatic movement, not the elbow. It is quite common to have such a reaction. The "I've worked so hard and improved so much" thought just magnifies the event.

I suggest you find something to stay busy with so you avoid obsessing about this event and try to move forward. Chances are, it will only be a minor setback, if that.

Vent your emotions. Say to yourself, "I will get past this." and move forward. Repeat that out loud.

Focusing on the event will only make it worse.

Give yourself a break and you will do best.

My best to you.
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"Be still and know that I am God" Psalm 46:10
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Old 03-20-2017, 05:37 PM   #3
Beelzebore92
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Appreciate the kind words man and as always, the positive advice.
And God do I hope you're right.
Will return to place updates. Be well.
__________________
-First TBI in 2011. Iron cellar door closed on my head. Undiagnosed PCS, and was unaware of anything regarding TBI at the time.

-2nd TBI in August, 2014. Fell skateboarding and hit head on pavement.

-3rd TBI in November, 2014. Hit in the head at work with a dish rack with full strength by a large employee. CT scan normal. Diagnosed mTBI, PCS, PTSD, migraine with aura, and chronic depression. Symptoms have included: quite severe visual disorders, hearing loss in left ear, lethargy, brain fog, dizziness, disordered sleep, hallucinations and "exploding head syndrome", neck and shoulder pain, migraines, headaches, loss of emotions, all forms of cognitive deficiency, loss of reading/verbal ability, sound/light sensitivity, anxiety, panic attacks. Most notably are a general loss of identity and the disillusionment with the world accompanying trauma. But on the other hand, a new and heightened awareness of the nature of self, others, and of suffering itself.

-As of December, 2015, am still experiencing visual disturbances, memory and speech problems, balance, sensitivity and overstimulation issues, along with the trickier to pinpoint cognitive changes, but feel that I am no longer clawing my way through a waking hell, so feel much better about being alive. Hallucinations and panic attacks are gone (thank God!), getting much better at reading and writing, and remembering/planning my daily tasks. Hopeful for further recovery, but thankful to be at least at 50%.
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Old 03-20-2017, 08:17 PM   #4
Bud
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BB,

I think you will be ok also. I have taken some solid blows to the head from dumb things since the anchor clobbered me and I have come out ok from each one after I beat anxiety back...serious effort to do such but necessary.

My 2 cents worth is I do not close my eyes to a crowded and dynamic situation without first finding a way to make sure my head is protected, like a corner or another person etc. situational awareness.

Take care,
Bud
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Old Yesterday, 09:20 AM   #5
Beelzebore92
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Really appreciate it Bud. Trying to stay positive and your post really gave me reinforcement. Though it's difficult to recognize what, if anything, is an effect of getting hit, or rather anxiety, I'm staying positive and not jumping to any conclusions. Head feels bruised from the outside, that's for sure. This is my 2nd day off to rest as a protective measure. Tomorrow I'm going to try to return to my school routine.
__________________
-First TBI in 2011. Iron cellar door closed on my head. Undiagnosed PCS, and was unaware of anything regarding TBI at the time.

-2nd TBI in August, 2014. Fell skateboarding and hit head on pavement.

-3rd TBI in November, 2014. Hit in the head at work with a dish rack with full strength by a large employee. CT scan normal. Diagnosed mTBI, PCS, PTSD, migraine with aura, and chronic depression. Symptoms have included: quite severe visual disorders, hearing loss in left ear, lethargy, brain fog, dizziness, disordered sleep, hallucinations and "exploding head syndrome", neck and shoulder pain, migraines, headaches, loss of emotions, all forms of cognitive deficiency, loss of reading/verbal ability, sound/light sensitivity, anxiety, panic attacks. Most notably are a general loss of identity and the disillusionment with the world accompanying trauma. But on the other hand, a new and heightened awareness of the nature of self, others, and of suffering itself.

-As of December, 2015, am still experiencing visual disturbances, memory and speech problems, balance, sensitivity and overstimulation issues, along with the trickier to pinpoint cognitive changes, but feel that I am no longer clawing my way through a waking hell, so feel much better about being alive. Hallucinations and panic attacks are gone (thank God!), getting much better at reading and writing, and remembering/planning my daily tasks. Hopeful for further recovery, but thankful to be at least at 50%.

Last edited by Beelzebore92; Yesterday at 10:03 AM.
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