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Old 03-20-2017, 04:01 PM   #1
Beelzebore92
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Default Hello again to all.

In some ways it's probably poor practice to come on and post only when there's bad news to share, as it gives everyone else a lopsided perspective of what others' recoveries actually look like. For that I apologize in advance. But surely most of you will understand the impulse to try and "make up for lost time", or how fully and desperately one wants to integrate back in to society when the opportunity arises.

I had come such a long way in the 2.5 years since my last injury, and the time since my first post. So much has changed so recently, at least it seems. There were still problems, but for the most part, I'd finally come to see that there is LIFE to be lived WITH brain injury. In the past 6 months I'd been having fun again. I'd been learning. I'd been going easy on myself and allowing some of the wounds from the years of stress and trauma to heal. Making new connections, and revisiting old ones (inside and out). Slowly, but I feel, successfully, I have been becoming a new person. Maybe not always the person I want to be, or as fully immersed in 'regular life' as I would like (nor as symptom free), but the transition had been happening in a big way. I even got in with a vocational rehabilitation program and re-enrolled in school this spring, and overall, felt confident that I would have a pathway out of this position socially.

Today, I fear, that all changes. On the train ride back from class, I was sitting with my eyes closed and headphones in with light classical music playing, just trying to decompress from all the stimulation throughout the day. I was excited to go home and rest. Some IDIOT on the train who was standing without holding a guide rail lost their footing when the train lurched and sent their entire body weight, elbow protruding, into the left temporal area of my head. My head went whipping back and to the side. Another passenger who had witnessed it was looking me in the eye like they thought I should have gotten up and punched the man.

Well I got up and got out of that goddamn train car - FAST. Then, hours after, came some damn unsettling feelings and sensations. I'm finding it difficult to separate my fears and bad expectations from the reality of what may or may not be the result of the impact, and at least some part of me thinks it will all be OK. But after all's said and done, who really knows how much force is enough to send someone back to the worst of it all? I don't feel optimistic, but all I can do is sit and wait. This is the first time in 1.5 years that I actually broke down and left my doctor a voicemail, sobbing, letting them know something may be wrong. I just….
I don't know. I'm scared to go back to the beginning. Losing everything once was hard enough.
Wish me luck. And to anyone else suffering today, hang in there.
__________________
-First TBI in 2011. Iron cellar door closed on my head. Undiagnosed PCS, and was unaware of anything regarding TBI at the time.

-2nd TBI in August, 2014. Fell skateboarding and hit head on pavement.

-3rd TBI in November, 2014. Hit in the head at work with a dish rack with full strength by a large employee. CT scan normal. Diagnosed mTBI, PCS, PTSD, migraine with aura, and chronic depression. Symptoms have included: quite severe visual disorders, hearing loss in left ear, lethargy, brain fog, dizziness, disordered sleep, hallucinations and "exploding head syndrome", neck and shoulder pain, migraines, headaches, loss of emotions, all forms of cognitive deficiency, loss of reading/verbal ability, sound/light sensitivity, anxiety, panic attacks. Most notably are a general loss of identity and the disillusionment with the world accompanying trauma. But on the other hand, a new and heightened awareness of the nature of self, others, and of suffering itself.

-As of December, 2015, am still experiencing visual disturbances, memory and speech problems, balance, sensitivity and overstimulation issues, along with the trickier to pinpoint cognitive changes, but feel that I am no longer clawing my way through a waking hell, so feel much better about being alive. Hallucinations and panic attacks are gone (thank God!), getting much better at reading and writing, and remembering/planning my daily tasks. Hopeful for further recovery, but thankful to be at least at 50%.

Last edited by Beelzebore92; 03-20-2017 at 04:23 PM.
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Old 03-20-2017, 04:44 PM   #2
Mark in Idaho
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I bet that most of your reaction is to the startle and traumatic movement, not the elbow. It is quite common to have such a reaction. The "I've worked so hard and improved so much" thought just magnifies the event.

I suggest you find something to stay busy with so you avoid obsessing about this event and try to move forward. Chances are, it will only be a minor setback, if that.

Vent your emotions. Say to yourself, "I will get past this." and move forward. Repeat that out loud.

Focusing on the event will only make it worse.

Give yourself a break and you will do best.

My best to you.
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"Be still and know that I am God" Psalm 46:10
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Old 03-20-2017, 05:37 PM   #3
Beelzebore92
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Appreciate the kind words man and as always, the positive advice.
And God do I hope you're right.
Will return to place updates. Be well.
__________________
-First TBI in 2011. Iron cellar door closed on my head. Undiagnosed PCS, and was unaware of anything regarding TBI at the time.

-2nd TBI in August, 2014. Fell skateboarding and hit head on pavement.

-3rd TBI in November, 2014. Hit in the head at work with a dish rack with full strength by a large employee. CT scan normal. Diagnosed mTBI, PCS, PTSD, migraine with aura, and chronic depression. Symptoms have included: quite severe visual disorders, hearing loss in left ear, lethargy, brain fog, dizziness, disordered sleep, hallucinations and "exploding head syndrome", neck and shoulder pain, migraines, headaches, loss of emotions, all forms of cognitive deficiency, loss of reading/verbal ability, sound/light sensitivity, anxiety, panic attacks. Most notably are a general loss of identity and the disillusionment with the world accompanying trauma. But on the other hand, a new and heightened awareness of the nature of self, others, and of suffering itself.

-As of December, 2015, am still experiencing visual disturbances, memory and speech problems, balance, sensitivity and overstimulation issues, along with the trickier to pinpoint cognitive changes, but feel that I am no longer clawing my way through a waking hell, so feel much better about being alive. Hallucinations and panic attacks are gone (thank God!), getting much better at reading and writing, and remembering/planning my daily tasks. Hopeful for further recovery, but thankful to be at least at 50%.
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Old 03-20-2017, 08:17 PM   #4
Bud
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BB,

I think you will be ok also. I have taken some solid blows to the head from dumb things since the anchor clobbered me and I have come out ok from each one after I beat anxiety back...serious effort to do such but necessary.

My 2 cents worth is I do not close my eyes to a crowded and dynamic situation without first finding a way to make sure my head is protected, like a corner or another person etc. situational awareness.

Take care,
Bud
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Old 03-22-2017, 09:20 AM   #5
Beelzebore92
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Really appreciate it Bud. Trying to stay positive and your post really gave me reinforcement. Though it's difficult to recognize what, if anything, is an effect of getting hit, or rather anxiety, I'm staying positive and not jumping to any conclusions. Head feels bruised from the outside, that's for sure. This is my 2nd day off to rest as a protective measure. Tomorrow I'm going to try to return to my school routine.
__________________
-First TBI in 2011. Iron cellar door closed on my head. Undiagnosed PCS, and was unaware of anything regarding TBI at the time.

-2nd TBI in August, 2014. Fell skateboarding and hit head on pavement.

-3rd TBI in November, 2014. Hit in the head at work with a dish rack with full strength by a large employee. CT scan normal. Diagnosed mTBI, PCS, PTSD, migraine with aura, and chronic depression. Symptoms have included: quite severe visual disorders, hearing loss in left ear, lethargy, brain fog, dizziness, disordered sleep, hallucinations and "exploding head syndrome", neck and shoulder pain, migraines, headaches, loss of emotions, all forms of cognitive deficiency, loss of reading/verbal ability, sound/light sensitivity, anxiety, panic attacks. Most notably are a general loss of identity and the disillusionment with the world accompanying trauma. But on the other hand, a new and heightened awareness of the nature of self, others, and of suffering itself.

-As of December, 2015, am still experiencing visual disturbances, memory and speech problems, balance, sensitivity and overstimulation issues, along with the trickier to pinpoint cognitive changes, but feel that I am no longer clawing my way through a waking hell, so feel much better about being alive. Hallucinations and panic attacks are gone (thank God!), getting much better at reading and writing, and remembering/planning my daily tasks. Hopeful for further recovery, but thankful to be at least at 50%.

Last edited by Beelzebore92; 03-22-2017 at 10:03 AM.
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Old 03-26-2017, 11:54 PM   #6
Beelzebore92
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The hit I received last Monday was unfortunately enough to bring about a return of symptoms. Even after a week off of school, and even in the most serene environment I have available to me, my cognitive stamina is further diminished, and my vision and balance more impaired than they have been in 6 months. Being that it occurred during my midterm week, the timing is impeccable. I am decimated. Tonight I am so depressed I can't even begin to describe. This surpasses anxiety and disappointment for me - it amounts to full blown dread. I saw this as being my only opportunity to move forward, and now it's slipping away. I don't know what I can do from here. I'm even ashamed to be writing this.
__________________
-First TBI in 2011. Iron cellar door closed on my head. Undiagnosed PCS, and was unaware of anything regarding TBI at the time.

-2nd TBI in August, 2014. Fell skateboarding and hit head on pavement.

-3rd TBI in November, 2014. Hit in the head at work with a dish rack with full strength by a large employee. CT scan normal. Diagnosed mTBI, PCS, PTSD, migraine with aura, and chronic depression. Symptoms have included: quite severe visual disorders, hearing loss in left ear, lethargy, brain fog, dizziness, disordered sleep, hallucinations and "exploding head syndrome", neck and shoulder pain, migraines, headaches, loss of emotions, all forms of cognitive deficiency, loss of reading/verbal ability, sound/light sensitivity, anxiety, panic attacks. Most notably are a general loss of identity and the disillusionment with the world accompanying trauma. But on the other hand, a new and heightened awareness of the nature of self, others, and of suffering itself.

-As of December, 2015, am still experiencing visual disturbances, memory and speech problems, balance, sensitivity and overstimulation issues, along with the trickier to pinpoint cognitive changes, but feel that I am no longer clawing my way through a waking hell, so feel much better about being alive. Hallucinations and panic attacks are gone (thank God!), getting much better at reading and writing, and remembering/planning my daily tasks. Hopeful for further recovery, but thankful to be at least at 50%.

Last edited by Beelzebore92; 03-27-2017 at 12:24 AM.
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Old 03-30-2017, 10:31 PM   #7
shayan
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I totally feel you.
A year and half after my concussion I fell from bike coming back from school. and the bike fell right on my head. I was so depressed that day that when I got to my room I just cried for like two hours. listening to Chopin and playing chess helps me calm down. just do something that makes you forget about everything
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Old 03-31-2017, 10:13 PM   #8
Beelzebore92
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Quote:
Originally Posted by shayan View Post
I totally feel you.
A year and half after my concussion I fell from bike coming back from school. and the bike fell right on my head. I was so depressed that day that when I got to my room I just cried for like two hours. listening to Chopin and playing chess helps me calm down. just do something that makes you forget about everything
Really sorry to hear that. Have you been able to continue with school so far? I also find Chopin to be great for relaxation, as well as the Japanese composer Ryuichi Sakamoto. I seem to have stabilized a bit since last week, but it's difficult given the stress added on by school and all the rest. It's hard just to find time for proper support and counseling, at the very least. I do find my professors and the school's access abilities department to be hugely supportive though. I have kept them informed of my situation since the beginning.
__________________
-First TBI in 2011. Iron cellar door closed on my head. Undiagnosed PCS, and was unaware of anything regarding TBI at the time.

-2nd TBI in August, 2014. Fell skateboarding and hit head on pavement.

-3rd TBI in November, 2014. Hit in the head at work with a dish rack with full strength by a large employee. CT scan normal. Diagnosed mTBI, PCS, PTSD, migraine with aura, and chronic depression. Symptoms have included: quite severe visual disorders, hearing loss in left ear, lethargy, brain fog, dizziness, disordered sleep, hallucinations and "exploding head syndrome", neck and shoulder pain, migraines, headaches, loss of emotions, all forms of cognitive deficiency, loss of reading/verbal ability, sound/light sensitivity, anxiety, panic attacks. Most notably are a general loss of identity and the disillusionment with the world accompanying trauma. But on the other hand, a new and heightened awareness of the nature of self, others, and of suffering itself.

-As of December, 2015, am still experiencing visual disturbances, memory and speech problems, balance, sensitivity and overstimulation issues, along with the trickier to pinpoint cognitive changes, but feel that I am no longer clawing my way through a waking hell, so feel much better about being alive. Hallucinations and panic attacks are gone (thank God!), getting much better at reading and writing, and remembering/planning my daily tasks. Hopeful for further recovery, but thankful to be at least at 50%.
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Old 04-01-2017, 09:20 AM   #9
okrad
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Beelzebore92 View Post
Really sorry to hear that. Have you been able to continue with school so far? I also find Chopin to be great for relaxation, as well as the Japanese composer Ryuichi Sakamoto. I seem to have stabilized a bit since last week, but it's difficult given the stress added on by school and all the rest. It's hard just to find time for proper support and counseling, at the very least. I do find my professors and the school's access abilities department to be hugely supportive though. I have kept them informed of my situation since the beginning.
I am down, too. One year after. I am now "normal" but had been above average. So being normal is great but it's not me.

I lost all my friends. I have zero friends and have thrown myself into philosophy. It's all I can do. THey were used to being alone. Demosthenes shaved half his face to make SURE he would not go into public. Imagine that! So I am trying to want to be alone.

I had a good suportive friend, but then, when they heard me talk and that I am not "special" or like they thought brain damage was, they got all spooked because i still sound smart. They were such a support . It hurts so bad.
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Old 04-01-2017, 01:48 PM   #10
Beelzebore92
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Quote:
Originally Posted by okrad View Post
I am down, too. One year after. I am now "normal" but had been above average. So being normal is great but it's not me.

I lost all my friends. I have zero friends and have thrown myself into philosophy. It's all I can do. THey were used to being alone. Demosthenes shaved half his face to make SURE he would not go into public. Imagine that! So I am trying to want to be alone.

I had a good suportive friend, but then, when they heard me talk and that I am not "special" or like they thought brain damage was, they got all spooked because i still sound smart. They were such a support . It hurts so bad.
Hey, what do you mean by "now normal" but before "above average"? I totally understand the isolation though. I have been through years of it, feeling like I physically couldn't keep up with my friends anymore. The internet and audiobooks became my only outlet. Family were there at times, but it's not the same as having peers. It caused a seismic shift in my personality and sense of self because before I was *very* into both performance and sociality before. But one of the biggest changes I want to make is to find a way back into social connectedness

Still, don't think I would want to go as far as Demosthenes… wonder what his reasoning was.

Are you saying you think your friend drifted away because of the TBI? It's tricky. Even forging friendships with other people who have impairments is hard… on the one hand they are more understanding, but on the other, health gets in the way and it is difficult for each of you to meet regularly. Do you have any professional counsel?
__________________
-First TBI in 2011. Iron cellar door closed on my head. Undiagnosed PCS, and was unaware of anything regarding TBI at the time.

-2nd TBI in August, 2014. Fell skateboarding and hit head on pavement.

-3rd TBI in November, 2014. Hit in the head at work with a dish rack with full strength by a large employee. CT scan normal. Diagnosed mTBI, PCS, PTSD, migraine with aura, and chronic depression. Symptoms have included: quite severe visual disorders, hearing loss in left ear, lethargy, brain fog, dizziness, disordered sleep, hallucinations and "exploding head syndrome", neck and shoulder pain, migraines, headaches, loss of emotions, all forms of cognitive deficiency, loss of reading/verbal ability, sound/light sensitivity, anxiety, panic attacks. Most notably are a general loss of identity and the disillusionment with the world accompanying trauma. But on the other hand, a new and heightened awareness of the nature of self, others, and of suffering itself.

-As of December, 2015, am still experiencing visual disturbances, memory and speech problems, balance, sensitivity and overstimulation issues, along with the trickier to pinpoint cognitive changes, but feel that I am no longer clawing my way through a waking hell, so feel much better about being alive. Hallucinations and panic attacks are gone (thank God!), getting much better at reading and writing, and remembering/planning my daily tasks. Hopeful for further recovery, but thankful to be at least at 50%.
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