Mark, thanks again I can tell you're very passionate and knowledgeable about these issues. I greatly appreciate your time and effort sir. I looked into the challenges of a tbi relationship. I understand going in that it isn't going to be smooth sailing and fully accept the probability of declination. She isn't one to make excuses and embraces her short comings along with her strengths. Though she is reserved on sexully charged subjects, I get the feeling libido is not necessarily an issue. If anything I think the soreness in her back slash hip may hold her back more than the brain injury.

I don't know if she has ever had a Neuro Psychological Assessment. I will ask her later this evening. She has expressed those ahh ha moments with me. She giggles about it when she describes them. I'll definitely keep updating this post. Mark for President! Thanks again
Kurtis Lowe

Mark, should everyone who's ever had concussions or tbi expect this eventual deterioration of their condition even if they improve enormously from their state after the initial injury? I'm asking for myself but also for my mother who had multiple concussions when she was younger, including one severe one from a car accident. She is currently in her late 50's. She's currently highly functional, has a PhD from a top 5 university in the world(on a full academic scholarship), pretty successful in her field but you've scared me with this 'deterioration' that you speak of.

Ben I think that Marks point was more just to make sure that I knew what I was getting into. I am by no means an expert but from what I can gleam from my readings is that nothing is a guarantee, no 2 injuries are the same and will all come with it's own set of challenges.
Kurtis Lowe

I was just commenting about long term prospects and Kurtis having his heart prepared for the future possibilities. There are no guarantees either way but some who have a history of TBI with prolonged symptoms see a deterioration as they get to the middle 40s. Some never see any deterioration after their recovery.

Ben,

You would be anxious about any negative comment.

"She is currently in her late 50's. She's currently highly functional, has a PhD from a top 5 university in the world(on a full academic scholarship), pretty successful in her field but you've scared me with this 'deterioration' that you speak of." There is no meaning to these comments. Her educational accomplishments have no bearing on her future. She could develop Alzheimer's. She could cure cancer. She could have a heart attack. She could live to 100. It does not sound like she has had any prolonged struggles from her concussions so her future is full of possibilities.

You need to stop looking for things to be anxious about. Other people's struggles are theirs and specific to their injury. If I told you about all of the struggles I have had over the last 53 years, you'd probably collapse from the anxiety. I raised a family as the sole income in one of the most expensive areas in the US (Silicon Valley, Calif). I've had 6 successful businesses. I've self-built a mountain cabin. But, my doctor is amazed that I did all that with the brain damage he can see when he examines my brain function.

You have all of your possibilities ahead of you. Instead of tackling the challenges of moving ahead with your life, you are paralyzed in fear of things that may never happen and things that defy logic.

My father died from early onset dementia that started in his 40s. It took 30 years to take his life at 78. He was a rocket engineer and had to retire at 58 because of his dementia. But, he lived a full life until the last year. He snow skied, biked, fished, hunted, read, and went to the gym an hour a day. He developed work-arounds so his struggles did not get in the way of enjoying his life. He researched how to get the most out of his failing brain.

I've lived for 35 years without part of a thumb and ten years without part of a finger. I learned to do things differently. I have learned to adapt just as I have with my brain injury. We adapt and life goes on. You would do well to focus on going on with your life.

She has had 2 Neuro Psychological Assessments she said they were not fun mostly because of the length. She had 1 right after her accident and one a year later. She said she would like to take another just to compare, but says neuro feedback is more helpful she said it actually maps out the pathways. It helps her with anxiety and let's her know how to better deal with certain stressors. Then she giggled and asked if I had been reading again.
Kurtis Lowe

Wow Mark I totally had you pegged for a physician. That's an impressive resume my friend. You are a truly impressive human being! That's more than most people without challenges hope to accomplish in lifetime! Many thanks for your input.
Kurtis Lowe

I assume she is doing volitional neuro feedback where they wire up her brain and she practices techniques to settle or control the brain wave forms. With a good therapist, this can be a great system. It gives her a sense of control when her brain wants to misfire. Plus, it helps to realize you are not going crazy. It is just the brain misfiring. Use the techniques and you will get past this moment.

Has she told you or have you observed what some of us call brain farts? The wrong word or some other strange misspoken expression? "What just happened? It stinks. I can't believe it came out of me?" Then we learn to smile or laugh/giggle or just shake our head gently and roll our eyes at the situation. Being able to laugh when our brains mess up is a valuable skill.

I have a saying that I came up with by being funny about keeping track of the score playing ping pong. "I can't pay attention because my brain is broke." Think that one over. You could even use it when she is struggling. "Of course you can't pay attention. Your brain is broke." then giggle with her. If the two of you can learn your pet responses to such events, that shows her willingness to establish a deeper connection.

Just for fun, I have a few others. When I get tongue tied, I will say, "I got my tongue caught on my eye tooth and I can't see what I am saying." Or "I just washed my tongue and can't do a thing with it." Women understand this one.

Sometimes, we just gotta laugh. My wife tends to just roll her eyes. Your lady sounds like a giggler.

The stress relief of laughing at struggles has an important part. It releases brain chemicals that enhance function and reduce stress chemicals.

I think you two sound like you will do well.

My best to you.

She says they wire up her brain and talk about things and sometimes she watches pictures on a screen. It sounds interesting though I have not been invited to one of those.... yet. She says it has helped her more than anything else has. All I say is if it makes you happy do it and twice on Sundays.

She has learned to embrace her weaknesses and yes very often will giggle at her self she has a very light personality. I was on the phone with her today talking about Neuro Psychological Assessment shehad a brain fart she got all of a sudden very serious and said she couldn't find the word. I told her it's OK I can't think what I am talking about either. So it's funny that you say that. We both get a chuckle out of that kinda thing. As for random words in a sentence, I saw her do it once but she was very tired even though she won't admit it her eyes don't hide it. I very quickly made it look like she had said the correct words I could see her trying to figure out what happened as I got a hug and left for the night. Thanks Mark I am glad I got your seal of approval. In a world where most women are narcissistic and superficial. This girl is special and if what was on the inside was somehow visible. She would easily be the most beautiful woman on the planet. She's not hard to look at the way she is either if you know what I am saying. I don't know what took me so long to see how wonderful she is. Lol my mom always told me to "look under your nose son." probably should have listened to her more.
Kurtis Lowe

The neuro feedback is what I expected. Sometimes, they play mental video games, at least the kids do. My neuro did it but did not see any way it could help me. My dysfunction is worse than any he had every treated with neuro feedback. He was one of the neuro feedback pioneers. He died last year. Another neuro feedback therapist could not figure out how to help me either.

Please consider not comparing her struggles to the occasional struggles you have. Normal brains get stuck trying to find a word or forgetting things in an entirely different way than TBI people do. The 'everybody does that from time to time' discounts the struggles we live with daily. If she lets you help her find the word, great. My wife often can do that for me as I stumble on as I speak. I have learned to rehearse what I want to say in a group. Impromptu speaking can be problematic.

If there is one thing that really annoys me, it is when people discount how hard I have to work to get my mind to work. Just because I can present intelligent ideas does not mean it is easy. She may have her limits in this area, too. Most of my brain injured friends have similar struggles. That is why support group is so valuable. We know how hard each of us are working to say what we are trying to say. And, we are not looking for praise in most cases. Being able to participate is our reward.

There are a few different word finding or speaking struggles many of us have.
Sometimes, a very common and generic word is just not there. I had such an episode earlier writing a NT post. I had to ask my wife and explained how the word is used.

It could be something like "What's that thing you use on the stove to boil water for coffee?" A tea pot. Words can be that simple.

A more frustrating part for me is the fade away word or idea. I can think of something I want to say and as I get ready to say it, it is like it is written in fading ink. I have to read the word in my mind before it fades away. But, it often does fade way. I can have an idea that I am trying to complete that just fades away. It like trying to catch somebody as they fall away from you.

The other struggle can be having the image of the word in your mind but not be able to get it to come out the lips.

The idea of visual presence vs what's inside is worth considering. My wife was not a beauty queen on the outside. But, she has a heart that does not stop. I had to make a hard pact with myself to never comment on her appearance. Then, one day after we had been married 9 years, she decided to look into getting her teeth straightened a second time. I knew is was going to be more than orthodontics but I made sure we could get it done. She ended up needing both her upper and lower jaws and chin surgically reconstructed due to a congenital deformity. As she turned 40, I got a new look with those same great eyes. My daughter needed the same surgery.

Don't get me wrong. I can appreciate physical beauty but rarely does it come with the heart of simpler women who learned to present a deeper beauty.

As I was reading your comment, I flashed back to a song. Wonderful Tonight by Eric Clapton. I've heard it sung by Darren Dowler of The Lettermen. His cover is better but I could not find it on YouTube. Here is the Eric Clapton version. Eric Clapton - Wonderful Tonight (Official Live Video) - YouTube

This broken brain enjoys classic harmonies from an older age. If you want to experience what my mind enjoys, play a few YouTube The Lettermen videos.

The chaos of current music is too hard for me enjoy. Does she have (take) any struggles with different genres of music? My brain just had a typing fart. Go figure how it typed take for have. I am constantly needing to edit my posts. I am good at 'backspace'

btw, You two are the same age as my kids. My son will be 37 and my youngest daughter is just a bit older than your lady.

My best to you both.

Mark, you are too kind my friend. I'm not comparing her struggles to mine. The I can talk what I am thinking about was more of your tongue stuck on your eye tooth kind of comment. I have too much respect for her to make negative comments or compare her in a negative light to anyone. She avoids spending time with crowds for the most part. I think it's mostly anxiety based. She won't give her time freely to people she doesn't care for. Here is a text she Sen me yesterday.

My time is my most valuable commodity and I firmly stand by my rule to only give my time to the people I love and want to be with doing things or going places I enjoy. I like to think hanging out balances out the waiting around for me/excessive driving!! 😇 😋

I do count myself lucky.

I can see how hard she works at certain tasks which only gives me more respect for how much she does. Much like you she is truly impressive.
She has described the fade away moments as well as being able to see the word did not say it. I help when I feel like she wants me too but sometimes I can tell she wants to figure it out herself, and wait patiently.

This is the best description!! Worded perfectly! May I steal this quote? "Don't get me wrong. I can appreciate physical beauty but rarely does it come with the heart of simpler women who learned to present a deeper beauty."

As for music, my tastes are everywhere. I very much like the classic melodies. That song in particular is fantastic! Try this it's fairly new but has the same feel

Ed Sheeran - Perfect (Official Music Video) - YouTube

As far as what she likes. You aren't going to belive it but metal like hard screamy metal. She will go to metal concerts by herself all 5 foot 2 and 100 pounds of her. It scares me that she goes alone but she likes it so what can you say lol. The first time I went to her house she had it on so loud she couldn't hear me at the door. I must say I was surprised.
Thanks again Mark.
Kurtis Lowe