Traumatic Brain Injury and Post Concussion Syndrome For traumatic brain injury (TBI) and post concussion syndrome (PCS).


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Old 04-07-2018, 05:51 PM #1
A1211 A1211 is offline
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A1211 A1211 is offline
Newly Joined
 
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 1
5 yr Member
Trig All hope lost very long trigger suicidal thoughts

Hi. I’m new here. I belong to other groups but seem to only get prayed for or well wished. That’s all great but I really need help. People often throw out ideas and they would be some great ideas if I were well enough to implement any of them, but I’m not. I’m having more and more suicidal thoughts and fewer and fewer reasons to keep ignoring them. This will be a very long post. If discussing suicidal thoughts is not allowed please just kick me off and accept my appofies. I’m not trying to be non compliant but can’t find or read and make sense of much right now. I’m also on cell phone so typos will happen, my phone is very small.
I’ll attempt a short version.

I was in an auto accident about 8 years ago. I got 3 neurologist visits before getting fired and loosing my insurance. I have zero support mentally or emotionally and have had some financial support over the last 2 years. It literally no support of any kind before that. I had a horrible lawyer who didn’t care about me 1 bit, I got less than 30k andedical bills to pay. I took the small monies and moved myself away from my very abusive family (except my dad who was absent from my luxe until 2 years ago, he has helped by letting me vent and financially given me about 15-20k in 2 years to keep me afloat. He has 7th grade education and has not educated himself in ways to help me or on Tbi in general at all). In fact, no one who was or has come into my life has seemed to care to get educated at all. Even when I give them things to read and literally beg them to read it. Most dont believe I am injured and suffering even when they are watching me faint bc I so dizzy all the time.

I have had zero luck getting any doctor since my original neurologist to even listen to what is wrong. I will get all hopeful and prepared with a list and journal entries only to be patted on the shoulder, told to take some Advil and I will be fine. Then they usually send me to psychiatrist.

Small background on my upbringing. It’s relevant.

I was abandoned by my father and left with my psychotic narcissist mother. My dad said she was crazy and he could t take it. So off he went. I saw him once a year for a week most years and it was pleasant and fun but other than that he was not around. No calls no extra visits just gone. I found out a few years ago it was because my mother threatened to have him buried in jail
For molesting me which he did not do. Anyway. My other was horribly newly and abuaive my entire life so I did or learn anyice coping skills. I am and have always only been a punching bag and doormat to almost everyone who has entered my life with a few exceptions that we’re ended due to my mother and her bs.

The take from that is I’m a useless punching bag.

So I moved to try to save myself and start over where none knew me or my horrible family. It didn’t go well. I should also mention I had not accepted that I am injured as badly as I am even with a disability rating. I have always been superwoman and accomplished everything I set out for. I thought I could be the old me. I was wrong. So o actually did on the 1st year by comparison. Of where I had been and thought I was winning. I scored a great job and a great apartment. Cue my future ex husband. He swept me off my feee. After we were married it all ended. I didn’t even get 1 night happy married. He started cheating on our wedding night. Turns out I had married my mother. Another narcissist and a bad one. At this point I still hadn’t realized or been educated on what a narcissist even was but after the change in my husband he started doing the exact things my mom did but I had not told him about it. So I start to read and learn about what turns out to be my entire life. So after 38 years I escape my mother only to marry someone just like her. Anyway. Tons of abuse from my husband. By the time I was finally able
To get Jim out of my life and start divorce I was so sick I should have been in hospital. Got fired from my good job. Husband had spent all my money. I had been here over 3 years at that point. So I take what little mo Wynn had saved up and retreated to the desert where it is cheap to live to try to recover. It was working hit lot fast enough. Cue next boyfriend. Started out great for 2 months then he also turned. He stole money and prescription and always had a way of getting me to pay for things. Apparently I just do what people tell me b. I am confused all the time. He supposedly loved me so I trusted him. Took me a month th to get him to leave and when he finally did I did t have enough ml way for rent. I had to move again.

My “beat friend” of 10 years said I could satay with her rent free for 3-4 months and get a job. So I take her up on it. When I move in she moves in her much younger boyfriend and they are both so cruel. She demanded I pay rent even though she was not paying the rent and in danger of getting kicked out. I stayed rent free anyway bc I didn’t have a choice. I’m in a new town and so t know a soul. It was horrible. So I’m there about 6 weeks when I find out she has turned in a 30 day notice 2 weeks ago. I now have 2 weeks to get out. Luckily I had just been hired but for far less than I have worked for in 20 years but beggars couldn’t be choosers. I took it. I scraped together some money mostly from daddy ran an ad on Craigslist and found a roommate. Roommate said she didn’t do drugs. Roommate lied. She was addicted to herion. So that was 5 months of hell.

I forgot to mention I had a little dog. He was 1 years old and my literal everything. The dog saved my life. As long as I had him I could be ok.

So nice again from druggies roommate and get fired from ow paying job. C of brain injury being too bad and too many mistakes. Back to Craigslist. I find a guy wanting to move to a great place. It’s out of my price range but again I have nowhere to go. I move in. He is horrible. Aggressive and moody. Always trying (usually successful) is getting me to pay for things. He was very intimidating. I got another job. Sales. Got fired in 4 weeks could do the job. Too sick. Ended up could t pay rent or any bills.

Cue new boyfriend. Or the beat hit I’m pretty desperate and he said I could kJ e in with him so I do. I start to file bankruptcy because I am ruined. He does what everyone else does and steals my money. Ugh. The. I find out he has an entire other Luce in another state with a fiancée and they have been together for 3 years. Out on street I am thrown. As usual.

So I find a hostel and check in for 2 weeks on almost the last of my money. I go home to visit my son. Haven’t seen him in 4 years. See my dad who helps so much. Dad finds out he needs bRain surgery. Seriously?!? So I stay and help dad for 6 weeks. The whole time things where I live are just getting worse with unpaid bills and Bk needs to be filed. Lawyer is already paid when I still had some money.

So I came back home I guess a week ago. I don’t really even know to be honest. I had enough money for 2 days in the hostel and 5k to buy a van to live in. This was the best lodging I could come up with as I suffer greatly with many symptoms and can barely function at this point. Work is out. Not possible. But I can survive in this van while I try to finish the bk and clean up this massive mess with help or support of any kind. As soon as I can breathe I’m going to try for disability but we will see. It takes so long so it I will still be alive to see it happen.

Anyway. I find and purchase a van. It takes the entire 5k leaving me with almost nothing f to live on. I bought this van bc I told the man my story and that I have to live in it and it can’t give me any mechanical problems. I ha e to make trips for work (I have some coming up that I will be capable of doing but is 10 hours away and I will still be living in van when I get there. Man assured me van is perfect. I e had it 5 days and it is dying. When it goes I will be on the street. I can’t go back home family other than sad is very abuse and will fill reign over me again if I go back. I told dad I would rather die on the street than come back home. Also should note dad told me when I make my bed messy this is what I get. Referring to my homelessness and chronic lifelong illness. Not a good environment to commit yourself to. I could be fine in a van. It really doesn’t bother me. I have a system and it works. But now I own a dying 5k van and no one will help. I have a few friend but they all
Say I’m too negative to be around anymore and none ever helped me anyway even though I helped them all the time.

So I have been nonstop crying and unable to even function. I take my almost dead van to the bra h and sit here all day everyday crying. I know there are things I can do to get help but I am not capable of doing any of it. I need a live person that I can touch to help me. Calls for assistance agencies have all gone unreturned or I have been turned away. I ha e to get this van fixed somehow or I will be raped and brutalized on the streets here.

I don’t know what I want from anyone. No one checks on me and when I go to my so. For help, he is 23, he gets really annoyed. He has major emotional problems too from watching me be abused and his father abused him like my mother abused me so not totally his fault. I lived him plenty but did not protect him as I should have. It’s had when the abuse is nonstop.

Anyway. I told my son I wanted to be dead bc I can’t suffer anymore. He begrudgedly helped me find a mechanic that I didn’t go to yet. Too much anxiety and I can’t dollow a conversation. But I will go Monday when they are open again no matter what. He said he would call tomorrow (yesterday) and we would get step 2 together but of course he didn’t call. Not today either. I know I’m not worth it. I’m just a burden to the 2 people I have left. No one will do any research or ask any questions to try to help me. No one would ever go to doctor with me or attorney. I’m literally the worst thing on the planet and so t think I want to be here anymore. At the end of the day everyone will be happier for it. Dad not have to give me any of his gambling money (he gambled about 10-15k every few months this at least) and my son won’t have to suffer through 20 minutes of talking to me while I cry hysterically. I hate to go to my so. But I literally have no one else. Other from other groups have talked with me some bit they ditch out too bc there is no helping me over internet and they run out of ideas so just ghost and stop responding.

I know I’m horrible and sad and cry but the thoughts of what is about to happen to me is so scary and sad. I’m female 5’5” and weigh maybe 110. I’m tiny. I wo t last. So with nowhere to go and no one who care why should I stay around to have more pain and suffering?

Awesome if you read this all. Any actual advise is appreciated although I have been ask g advise for 2 years now so ha e probably tried everything you will suggest. Another annoyance when someone shoots down all advice but it’s bc I ha e already tried.

Also remember I have no money and my van is in bad shape and drinks gas so anything that requires I have to drive to is out. I can’t affors it. I have the mental capacity of about a 10 year old right now. so if a 10 year old can’t do it neither can I. Ok. Can anyone help me?
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Old 04-08-2018, 09:59 AM #2
Mark in Idaho Mark in Idaho is offline
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Mark in Idaho Mark in Idaho is offline
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A1211,

Welcome to NeuroTalk.

I'm sorry to hear you are having such a hard time.

You don't say where you are. I am assuming the US. Some states have brain injury support systems that may be of help. I suggest you look up the system in your state. Brain Injury Association would be a start.

With the many typos, I have a very difficult time following your post. Typos send my damaged brain spinning.

I would hope you have applied for and been approved for Social Security Disability. That provides Medicare and a monthly check. Some can get the Medicaid add-on. It sounds like you would qualify.

There are group homes that are helpful to some. I have TBI friends who live in them. They offer psychological support, too.

Gotta go.

My best to you.
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Mark in Idaho

"Be still and know that I am God" Psalm 46:10
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Old 04-11-2018, 03:34 PM #3
HempHappy HempHappy is offline
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HempHappy HempHappy is offline
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Sorry to hear things have been so bad.

I was having suicidal thoughts and regular bouts of depression a while ago due to my injuries. I have found that mindfulness and meditation has helped considerably.

If you have trouble meditating and cannot access instructions. I can copy some into this thread If you would find it helpful.

Also I used cbd hemp tea to calm my mind. **

What are the problems with your van? I have previously lived in a van and maybe able to offered some ideas.

Never give up hope, you never know what good thing is just round the corner.

Last edited by Chemar; 04-11-2018 at 06:02 PM. Reason: Privacy
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