Lucy - I fell over on my 21st birthday over 4 and 1/2 years ago and bumped my head. That's it.

This just hasn't been a good week (or month, or year, or half decade for that matter). It started out really well, but the concussion I had on Wednesday really screwed things up. The dizziness and rampant fatigue appear to have passed by now, but I still feel awful (though I felt awful last week at this time too, so don't mark it down as any sort of significant departure). The impact killed any optimism I still had in my system. I'm getting good sleep, and I'm not in a constant state of anxiety, so I'm in a better spot than a lot of people on this board, but "better" does not always equate to "good".

I really just don't want to do this anymore, but my parents are so damned supportive that I really don't have any choice but to keep hanging on. It just makes me feel horrible, my mom especially is doing everything in her power to help me feel better, but there's just nothing she can do. So she brings me food, and art supplies, and hugs, and prayers, and I just have to sit there and try to smile and say my thank yous until she leaves, at which point I'm free to cry for half an hour. I know it sounds weird, but I often wish that my parents weren't so unfalteringly supportive of me throughout this. I really don't want to be alive anymore, but I don't think I could die with this much guilt.

What you just wrote worries me.

Have you talked to your doctor about how this makes you feel? I know that there are folks who like to avoid meds if possible, but I've been on this earth long enough to know that, at least for me, meds DO make a difference. I'm talking about antidepressants as well as other meds.

I think I have a different attitude about the head bonking stuff because I've been through the "well, here's what you have- now go have a nice life" thing with my liver 20 years ago. I fought it, and fought it and wanted them to FIX me. I researched, had pity parties, went into a deep hole of depression. I did all that stuff.

I finally decided that it's time to stop fighting it (the liver thing), understand that I'll never be 'normal', and take whatever meds the doctor can give me to make me feel better. It's given me a much better attitude about other things that have been thrown my way. Now I focus my energy on life, rather than the illness.

I don't know if you've heard of Cherie Carter-Scott's book 'If Life Is A Game, These Are The Rules'; but I take all of it to heart. I honestly feel that this PCS is one of the lessons that I've refused to learn even though presented to me many times in my life, so I literally had to be hit over the head with it. Dear Lynlee, without even knowing it, made me realize that. My lesson is to quit being such a type A.

Pay special attention to rule five:

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Rule One - You will receive a body. Whether you love it or hate it, it's yours for life, so accept it. What counts is what's inside.

Rule Two - You will be presented with lessons. Life is a constant learning experience, which every day provides opportunities for you to learn more. These lessons specific to you, and learning them 'is the key to discovering and fulfilling the meaning and relevance of your own life'.

Rule Three - There are no mistakes, only lessons. Your development towards wisdom is a process of experimentation, trial and error, so it's inevitable things will not always go to plan or turn out how you'd want. Compassion is the remedy for harsh judgment - of ourselves and others. Forgiveness is not only divine - it's also 'the act of erasing an emotional debt'. Behaving ethically, with integrity, and with humor - especially the ability to laugh at yourself and your own mishaps - are central to the perspective that 'mistakes' are simply lessons we must learn.

Rule Four - The lesson is repeated until learned. Lessons repeat until learned. What manifest as problems and challenges, irritations and frustrations are more lessons - they will repeat until you see them as such and learn from them. Your own awareness and your ability to change are requisites of executing this rule. Also fundamental is the acceptance that you are not a victim of fate or circumstance - 'causality' must be acknowledged; that is to say: things happen to you because of how you are and what you do. To blame anyone or anything else for your misfortunes is an escape and a denial; you yourself are responsible for you, and what happens to you. Patience is required - change doesn't happen overnight, so give change time to happen.

Rule Five - Learning does not end. While you are alive there are always lessons to be learned. Surrender to the 'rhythm of life', don't struggle against it. Commit to the process of constant learning and change - be humble enough to always acknowledge your own weaknesses, and be flexible enough to adapt from what you may be accustomed to, because rigidity will deny you the freedom of new possibilities.

Rule Six - "There" is no better than "here". The other side of the hill may be greener than your own, but being there is not the key to endless happiness. Be grateful for and enjoy what you have, and where you are on your journey. Appreciate the abundance of what's good in your life, rather than measure and amass things that do not actually lead to happiness. Living in the present helps you attain peace.

Rule Seven - Others are only mirrors of you. You love or hate something about another person according to what love or hate about yourself. Be tolerant; accept others as they are, and strive for clarity of self-awareness; strive to truly understand and have an objective perception of your own self, your thoughts and feelings. Negative experiences are opportunities to heal the wounds that you carry. Support others, and by doing so you support yourself. Where you are unable to support others it is a sign that you are not adequately attending to your own needs.

Rule Eight - What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. Take responsibility for yourself. Learn to let go when you cannot change things. Don't get angry about things - bitter memories clutter your mind. Courage resides in all of us - use it when you need to do what's right for you. We all possess a strong natural power and adventurous spirit, which you should draw on to embrace what lies ahead.

Rule Nine - Your answers lie inside of you. Trust your instincts and your innermost feelings, whether you hear them as a little voice or a flash of inspiration. Listen to feelings as well as sounds. Look, listen, and trust. Draw on your natural inspiration.

Rule Ten - You will forget all this at birth. We are all born with all of these capabilities - our early experiences lead us into a physical world, away from our spiritual selves, so that we become doubtful, cynical and lacking belief and confidence. The ten Rules are not commandments, they are universal truths that apply to us all. When you lose your way, call upon them. Have faith in the strength of your spirit. Aspire to be wise - wisdom the ultimate path of your life, and it knows no limits other than those you impose on yourself.

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I pray that this does not come across as 'preachy'. I just have been where you're at before- that place where you really don't want to do 'this' (whatever 'this' is at the time) anymore. I have had many struggles, things that caused the PTSD which made this head bonking thing even worse than it should have been. I have a liver disease that will either kill me or require a transplant at some point.

I fear that what I'm about to write might cause some upset with people, but I'm going to take that chance.

I've learned that accepting what has happened and then working with it, not against it, has helped me tremendously. This doesn't mean that by accepting it, I've allowed it to change my life. I still do the same things I've always done- just not as well. I've learned to accept that (well, mostly!)

I understand that I'm taking chances by continuing with my life the way it's always been because now the perception of me will be different. People who didn't know me 'before' might not know the 'real' me. They might not understand that there is a brain under all that fog. People may think that I've turned into a raging alcoholic because oftentimes I look like I'm drunk.

Mostly, I've learned that accepting medication that the doctor recommends, rather than try to be brave has been one of the things that has helped me the most.

I have sons your age, and so I feel those 'mothering' instincts when reading your posts. I don't want you to feel like this because you have a LONG life ahead of you.

I'm sorry for the length of this- but I truly HAVE been where you're at. I hope something I've written helps.

Hugs,
Lori

I'm glad you've found comfort in your ailments, but because of the nature of my injuries, I cannot due that.

I have tried medication before, it did nothing for me. I've always referred to taking anti depressants for PCS and PTSD to be "taking Robotussin for throat cancer". You're dealing with the right part of the body, but the drug is doing nothing to alleviate the actual problem. I've had my brain chemistry mapped out - I actually have almost twice the seratonin floating around in my brain as your average joe on the street, so what's a drug whose sole purpose is to increase the amount of seratonin in my system going to do for me? Nada. Zip. El zilcho.

Secondly, were I just dealing with the dizziness, confusion, and etc that this condition brings, I bet I would be able to find a life worth living within these parameters, but that's not all I'm dealing with. As I said above, my problems date back to my 21st birthday - that's the root of my PCS as well as my PTSD.

That night I went to the bars and hosted a giant party at my house. Unfortunately, by way of this, my PTSD triggers are particularly suffocating. If I go to a bar, I get triggered. If I talk about alcohol with someone, I get triggered. If I see someone drink alcohol, I get triggered. If I see one of my friends, regardless of whether alcohol is around or not, I get triggered.

My "triggered" state sucks my soul right out of my body. The minute I cross that threshold I no longer feel as though I am where I actually am. An hour or two of exposure and I'll feel like a ghost (that's the best way I can feel to describe it). I'll be up until 6 or 7 in the morning that night in a state of constant panic, and once I do get a little sleep, I'll wake up a couple of hours later with the spot on my head that I hit absolutely throbbing. I'll be dizzy and dehydrated all day. I'll have moments of dimentia. I won't be able to cry, though I'll feel no greater urge to at any point during my life.

All that because I wanted to see one of my friends. You think there is a LESSON in this? Are you ****ing KIDDING ME? Do you honestly think I'm learning a single goddamn thing from this ******** at this point? Here's what I've learned: **** happens. Here's one more: The human mind is a flawed creature. Here's another one: Bad things sometimes happen to good people for no reason at all.

Note: I knew all of these things before this happened. Life is a gamble, sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. Unless I can get out of this, I will have won for 21 years, and lost for however many came after that.

If I do not overcome this illness I won't be able to have friends. I won't be able to date. I won't be able to get married, or have kids, or love, or feel, or give a **** whether I wake up tomorrow or die in my sleep. I won't be able to do the only thing I ever wanted to do, and that's be a highschool history teacher. Even if I just hung on and hung on and didn't give up, I would live with my parents for the rest of my life. I would eat food and breathe oxygen and watch television, and talk about sports, and that would be the end of it. I would be your classic "dead man walking".

The truth of the matter for me is different than the truth for you. You have found ways to live despite your injuries, but the parameters my injuries have placed on me do not allow me to do that. I believe that life is meant to be LIVED, and if I can't just LIVE (meaning not squeaking by every minute of every hour of every day for the rest of my life), then I am as good as dead regardless of whether my life actually ends or not.

One of two things will happen here: Either I will make it out of this conundrum, and nothing else will matter for the rest of my life, or I will not make it out of this conundrum, and nothing else will matter for the rest of my life. That's just the way it is for me.

I think you misunderstood my statement. I said that this was MY lesson, not yours. I do believe this is a lesson for me. It's one that I've yet to learn, but am going to learn this time. I did not say that you are learning anything from this.

I'm sorry that you're feeling this way and I truly do understand the anger. I've been there before, as I wrote in the post. I just am getting too old to get angry about things anymore. And.... I was worried about you and the things you were writing. Surely there must be something the doctor can do to help you with the depression.

I humbly apologize if I offended you. That was absolutely not my intent.

Friends?

I am not angry at you, but it makes me very upset when people try to fish for purpose in what's happened to me. When I tell people that I can't drink, and I tell people what's happened to me, occasionally people will try to treat it as some sort of a miracle. Like my life was headed down a path of depravity so God reached down and beat me over the head to save me from it. I'm sure you can understand how obnoxious that frame of mind would seem to someone in my situation. I've been absolved of nearly every ounce of my free will... I hardly find that miraculous.

That's another thing that upsets me. I will make no attempts to undercut all of the pain that you have in your life, but I am not old. I'm 25. I haven't been able to live my life since the very moment that I turned 21. You graduated from school, got out into the world, started your career, accepted success as well as failure, found love, married, had kids, and then some number of years later this happened to you. I never got to do any of those things. I was very much in love when this happened, and while I still keep in touch with her now, that relationship is gone. I never had kids. I never had success or failure. I just had a utopian youth for 21 years, and then my life stopped. It didn't end, it stopped. My story is far more tragic now than it would have been if I had somehow died when I hit my head all of those years ago.

If I were 40, or 50, or 60 when this took hold of my life, I think I'd be okay. Most of the impacts I was meant to make on this world would have already been made. As is? I was good to my friends and my family, and I enjoyed every moment of my life when I had it, but I've yet to get the chance to do what I was sent here to do.

Referencing rule nine of your author friend's spiritual manifesto: Roughly 5 minutes before I hit my head on my 21st, I found myself standing in front of a hallway closet at my house, trying to figure out whether I should put on my skiing helmet or not. It was a random-ish occurence at the time, but I had a strong gut feeling that I should put that helmet on for some odd reason. Unfortunately, my helmet was really dorky looking (not funny dorky, more "you're an idiot" dorky), so I didn't put it on. Five minutes later: Thud.

I often wonder if that was it. If that was a life or death decision that I simply was unaware of. I really don't know, I suppose time will tell. As a result of that incident, I am in no way lacking in faith beyond this life; what's been sapped from me over the past 50+ months is my faith in second chances.

I hope that you don't think I was fishing of why this happened to you. Geez, that'd be a horrible thing for anyone to do. I do not believe that everything happens for a reason. If someone tries to tell you that- tell them to bugger off.

My intent was just to share with you that I've been where you are- yes, back in my 20's. I was lucky that I had my kids when I was 19 and 20.

It did cost me my marriage, my job, AND my social life. I've learned to adapt and now have a completely different life, different lifestyle, different husband (!) and a job that fits with my disability. I'm new to the PCS world, but have decided to use the lessons I've learned from the other stuff to adapt to this too.

I can see that my message didn't come across the way that I had intended it to, and for that I apologize.

You and I are not the exact same place, but I'm still kickin' around and doing what I can with what I have. I hoped that it would be a message of hope. That truly was my intent, and I am really sorry that it was interpreted differently.

My hope for you is that there WILL be something that can be done to make you feel better.

Hi, you must have a christian name that we can call you by! My son is 25 years old and I would hate for him to be feeling the same way that I do now - so limited in what he could be doing and the emotional and physical pain that is all tied up with it.

I think I have said many times that I have found out who my true friends are. (unfortunately when I was divorced I found out as well). I was a social animal and was at my best when having 20 or so people for a barbeque and just loved creating themed parties at my house. Do you have to go to bars?? What happens if you have just one of your old friends around to your place. Would you react to that? Do you have any new contacts that don't "set you off". If you have been through all of this you will no doubt be thinking - shut up go away and leave me alone - that is what I say to people and especially - don't tell me what to do!! (and often quite loudly). I have also found out that a couple of the contacts that I had have now become friends.

Mothers always want to fix things for their children - my mother who died in April was still wanting to try and help me - and there I was feeling guilty that because of my condition I couldn't help her as I should have been able to.

The PTSD seems to be your biggest problem and no doubt you have had treatment and taken pills for it. How about writing me a list of what are able to do comfortably.

I wish that I could give you a hug - but hugs don't help a lot do they?? Sympathy is also the hardest thing to deal with - it still makes me cry (out of sight always though). Writing this I have tears in my eyes.

And I agree - we don't deserve this - and just guessing - we are all nice people. We are now all nice people with problems and it isn't fair!!

You know what I am worried about now - when I become a grandmother I won't be able to babysit all day or anything like that on my own - the toddler would be running rampart while the gran was asleep - you can just about picture a cartoon of that!!!

Now be good and reply and write me that list of what you can confortably do.

Hi, you must have a christian name that we can call you by! My son is 25 years old and I would hate for him to be feeling the same way that I do now - so limited in what he could be doing and the emotional and physical pain that is all tied up with it.

I think I have said many times that I have found out who my true friends are. (unfortunately when I was divorced I found out as well). I was a social animal and was at my best when having 20 or so people for a barbeque and just loved creating themed parties at my house. Do you have to go to bars?? What happens if you have just one of your old friends around to your place. Would you react to that? Do you have any new contacts that don't "set you off". If you have been through all of this you will no doubt be thinking - shut up go away and leave me alone - that is what I say to people and especially - don't tell me what to do!! (and often quite loudly). I have also found out that a couple of the contacts that I had pre accident have now become friends.

Mothers always want to fix things for their children - my mother who died in April was still wanting to try and help me - and there I was feeling guilty that because of my condition I couldn't help her as I should have been able to.

The PTSD seems to be your biggest problem and no doubt you have had treatment and taken pills for it. How about writing me a list of what are able to do comfortably.

I wish that I could give you a hug - but hugs don't help a lot do they?? Sympathy is also the hardest thing to deal with - it still makes me cry (out of sight always though). Writing this I have tears in my eyes.

And I agree - we don't deserve this - and just guessing - we are all nice people. We are now all nice people with problems and it isn't fair!!

You know what I am worried about now - when I become a grandmother I won't be able to babysit all day or anything like that on my own - the toddler would be running rampart while the gran was asleep - you can just about picture a cartoon of that!!!

Now be good and reply and write me that list of what you can confortably do.

Unfortunately, I do get set off even if it's just one friend over at my house. A couple weeks ago I got set off by a phone call. It used to be worse though, it used to be that I'd get triggered every Friday in the early evening (my 21st was on a friday) regardless of what I did, and that trigger would last through Monday afternoon. That was un-fun.

The one loophole seems to be that I can play golf with one of my friends without getting triggered. No idea what that's about, but that's the way things are. The golf season lasts for about 6 months out of the year here, but I'm really not a very good golfer, and I play slowly, so I'm really only comfortable playing on weekday afternoons (when my friends are usually working).

That's about it though as far as social stuff goes. I was actually able to do more when I felt REALLY horrible (though obviously I didn't enjoy much of it), because getting triggered would take me from feeling awful to feeling abysmal (not such a great distance between the two) as opposed to now where getting triggered takes me from feeling fairly bad to feeling outright horrific... the distance between the points is too great now. It screws me up too much.

I can watch tv, and read, and dink around on the internet without issue. I can do mindless work pretty easily, but starting a new gig always freaks me out fairly heavily. Uhh... I can buy groceries. Drive cars, see therapists, smoke cigarettes, though I can only have about one a day (I call them my last line of defense, as all of my other vices - booze, marijuana, and sex - have been taken away from me... I've still got my smokes). I used to ride my bike a fair amount, but it's winter now and someone stole my bike a few weeks ago. I'd like to go skiing some time, but the risk of hitting my head again is way too great.

That's about it though, back when I was myself my great pleasures in life were writing (don't enjoy it anymore... it doesn't flow like it used to), socializing and substances (just beer and weed), or some mix of the 3. Oh, and sports. I watch a lot of sports to pass the time, and I go to a Denver Broncos game every now and again, but I can't go to college football games anymore (my favorite), those are just trigger city.

Oh, and I've got an agnostic name, Lucy