thanks PCS McGee.. I think you said this is similar to Syntonics--light therapy. Even if FF therapy done at home, still need to make initial connection to get treatments started & for ongoing support. I don't know of anyone who does this; do know Dr who does syntonics ..

I had some guests over last night shortly after I'd posted this, and then went to bed. What a surprise to see how many thoughtful replies to this post. I'm glad that I'm not alone.

I think my biggest problem with ALL of this (the confusion, blurting out things I wish I hadn't, balance issues, etc.) is that I started in a new department 1 month after I hit my head. None of these people knew the 'old' me. The person who was smart all the time, could pull 'acceptable' conversations out of a hat, didn't appear drunk sometimes, etc.

Sometimes the unacceptable remark I make is to blurt out what happened to me to someone what just doesn't need to know.

I have been anxious all weekend about the things I said at the holiday party on Friday. It almost makes me feel like quitting because I'm so embarrassed.

I was one of the first to leave and my hope is that they all got sauced and won't remember a thing.

Thanks for sharing your experiences. It makes me feel less alone.

I just wanted to acknowledge the loss of your mother this year and how it will affect you during the holidays (thank goodness they're almost over, huh?)

I didn't know that you lost your mother such a short time ago, and I'm sorry.

I can see why you miss the Northwest! I've often told my husband that he'll get me to leave once he pries my cold dead body out of the house I love so much.

I think having a set of mentors and such is a wonderful thing. I also have a set of mentors and a really great support system. My family is wonderful to me, but I don't feel that they quite get it- so it's important to search elsewhere.

This site has been (caution- pretty dramatic statement) a miracle to me. I feel that everyone here are mentors and advisors to me. How great is that?

I'm glad you saw what I saw in "glitch".

Thanks so much for your thoughtful replies to this topic. I had no idea that I'd spark such a wonderful round of sharing.

It's been comforting and discomforting to read that we're all dealing with this. Don't you sometimes wish you could just wear a big sign that reads, "This isn't the REAL me"?

I think I'm going to have to take a cue from Lynlee and just try to keep my yapper shut in social situations and tell people if you're looking for me, I'm that wallflower in the corner.

Hi all. Just a thought that I had - well one amongst many,but just thought I better tell this one before I forget it.

I think that before we can deal with the new we have to recognize and acknowledge what we had and were before - it has taken me 6 years to get to this, and then we have to face the fact and admit that you can never be what you were before.

I may have been told this at some stage and it never sunk in - hey I am slower now.

Also with the previous attempting to be better and perfect constantly - which Lori at some stage has said probably was a self esteem issue - it is harder to acknowledge what your were like before and now that I do finally know what I was like it is really sad that I never acknowledged what I was when I had it all - think there is some saying about not knowing what you had until you lose it!!

Sorry about the grammar etc - I can't get it to sound how I mean it - maybe somebody can unravell it for me.

Lynlee

I think you've captured the thoughts perfectly. I understand every bit of it.

You and I wall flowers ----- I don't think so!!!

In a way the people who didn't get to know the old you is a good thing - they won't have any expectations. I have been in my current job for 10 years. There are only 6 of us here and 3 of them know the old me. Ideally I would like to leave as I would prefer to work somehwere where they don't know I have a head injury - but who would want to employ me for 3 hours a day with a snooze in the middle. My boss says he is grateful for what time I can spend here - which is nice to hear

Your new work mates may just think that you are eccentric. It is back to what I have said in the past they can like it or leave it - if they look at you like you are peculiar just put your nose in the air and if they don't like you it is their loss and you don't need to give a dam!! I tell myself this on a regular basis now and I think it is actually starting to sink in!!!! I have absolutely no doubt you are still better than the others and neither should you! Just avoid communicating if you are too tired.

By the way, my first career pre children was in a Bank - though we used "Data Bank" over here computers were not yet in the actual Bank branches.

PONO - you are amazing!!!!! I shall comment further later.


Lynlee

To me at least, that is an admission of death.

Memory loss, needing to sleep more, lack of strength, these things are acceptable, though unfortunate. They may change what you do, but they do not change who you are.

Extreme irritability, chronic pain, inability to socialize with others, detachment from the living world, these are things that are unacceptable to me. These are things that would rob me of every dream I ever had in this life, these are things that would remove every ounce of wonder from living. Excitement, gone. Happiness, gone. Purpose, gone. I am absolutely unwilling to go to sleep every night knowing exactly what's going to happen the next day (sans the degree of confusion and pain I'll be in when I wake up in the morning).

If you want to accept that this is the way you are and the way you'll always be, you're more than welcome to do so, but I refuse to make that concession. Were I to heal, I would be more than happy to accept that this has HAPPENED to me, and that I lost 5 years of my life because of it, but I will NEVER accept that this is still happening to me, and that I have lost the rest of the years of my life because of it.

I guess this is where that "to thine own self be true" line applies once more. If you dig down to your heart, and it says "learn to accept, we can still live this way", then follow it in that direction. My heart though... it couldn't be further removed from that train of thought.

PCSMcGee, you sound like you got your fighting spirit back - good for you. I hope you will continue to get better and get your life back. You still have a long life ahead of you and you certainly shouldn't settle for anything less than what you can be and I'm optimistic that you will get there. I am also not willing to give up yet and hope to get over this PCS and get back to my cycling group by spring. This has taken the fun out of my life and I intend to get that back. My motto: if it doesn't kill me, it will make me stronger!