I should have seen it coming a mile away. I completely overdid things this week and last night I had a complete melt-down.

I hosted a 15 person formal sit-down dinner on Christmas Eve. I was so tired from all the preparations, I did something I knew I shouldn't have done. I had diet pills and took one. I had absolutely ZERO energy, but had to entertain 15 people and saw no other alternative.

Between the stress and work involved (and most likely the diet pill), I started having lots of problems with confusion. I'm sure folks thought I'd been sippin' on the special egg-nog, but I was completely alcohol free.

I ended up taking all my Christmas decorations down and put them away AFTER cleaning up the party mess. Why? Because the 'clutter' of Christmas decorations was making me feel very anxious.

Yeah- I'm a nut.

I didn't get to bed until 2 a.m. The next day, I had three naps and went to bed at 7pm.

I woke up on Wednesday, thinking it was Thursday- so went into the office. I took Provigil to perk me up and was BEAT by the end of the day. Since I'm supposed to be in the office on Thursday, I went in yesterday as well. I took Provigil again to help me get through the day. By the end of the day, I thought my head was going to explode and my teeth would fall out of my mouth from all the teeth grinding.

On the train ride home- I started jerking. I had to work really hard to keep the jerking from getting out of control- and so that added even more stress and exhaustion.

As soon as got off the train, I started crying and then went into a complete melt-down as soon as I got home. My poor husband felt very helpless as he watched me crying uncontrollably and jerking. I asked him to let me be alone in a dark room for a while. Somehow, his hovering over me made it worse.

I took my klonopin (actually took 2) and within an hour or so, I'd stopped jerking. I had the biggest pity party for myself last night, that I've had in a long time. I told my husband that I didn't want to do this anymore and was feeling very despondent.

I *HATE* the idea that I can't live a normal life right now.

I feel so useless. All the things that used to make me feel that I had value are gone.

I want my value back.

I never accepted that I had one for over 20 years, and for those 20 years my life was lousy. But as soon as I started to accept it - my life started to get a little better - not as fast as I wanted it to - but it DID start getting better. So try to take your time with yourself.

Shrek

Hi Lori, This TBI/PCS is no fun on good days or hard ones we all have them.What's important is not that we fall but that we get back up and try again and you will, you have work to do.

I lost a very good friend from Seattle, Christmas morning she died at 1:32 am. I've know this women for over 20 years and it broke my heart to receive an email at 4:30 am that she had passed away, still grieving this lose, but I'm getting back up on my feet and I will finish the work I have to do here. That is what my friend would say if she were still here.

Hi Sherk thanks for sharing on the acceptance issue. It took me 3.5 years to accept the fact that I am disabled with this TBI/PCS and that I have to rebuild my brain. Starting a new life.

Take Care Jeffn*

Hi I did the same - why do we do it - because that is what we have always done! Breakfast/brunch at my brothers and then I did Christmas Dinner.

No1, I should not have gone across town to my brothers for breakfast, no 2 I should not have had everybody for dinner! After totally over doing it Christmas day - I thought that the provigil would come along and rescue me - all would be great and I would live happy ever after. So as a consequence - I am over tired and disappointed and yesterday was my melt down. Back to the will I ever be back to my normal again.

Please do not call yourself useless - I USED to do that the psychologist that I was seeing before Christmas dealt to me on that - you are not useless, none of us are uselss - it is just that at present some and only some of our talents are in hiding.

My latest - you know how I told you about the step daughter neuro - well there is a step neice who is a chiropracter specialises in new borns, however her employer - is well versed on PCS - they are going to orgainise an appt for all of them to meet x ray spine etc and treat me!!!!!! I didn't know we had this in the country - so here I go again - hope building up again ............ the problem is the higher your hopes...........

hugs Lori peace calm relax

Lynlee

Shrek- It's funny- but I agree with you about acceptance and probably would have given someone else the same advice last week. I guess I just thought I accepted it.

Jeff- I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. Having this happen during the holidays makes it especially hard on her family and friends. Sounds like she was a good friend if she's the type to give you the advice you are giving yourself.

Lynlee- I've decided that I'm going to see a counselor too. It sounds like counseling has been a real benefit for you. I'm certainly not opposed to counseling and think that if I ever needed it, I need it now. Thankfully- my health insurance covers it.

I know it's just a set back- and being extra tired made things seem MUCH worse than they really are. Pollyanna doesn't stay down for long.

Lori - the counseller thing - I fought it - the usual thoughts "I don't need this, there is nothing wrong with the way that I think, I already know everything and nobody is going to interfere with my brain" - she actually threatened to fire me at one stage. She did convince me in the end that I was not nice to myself - AND never had been!!!! And lots more Though she did indirectly get me to accept the condition she was trying to work on the no cure part as well. I think that was more about not wasting the precious energy I have on hoping etc.

Jeffn - so very sorry to hear about your friend - nothing prepares you for the sadness - it is now 6 years since my best friend died and I still miss her so much - every now and then I find a smile on my face remembering some of the crazy things we used to do.

Shrek - what happened to you and how much have you recovered?

Lynlee