ok, ok.
i just talked to my mom. she's the only one who's had the courage to tell me what i really didn't want to hear.
everyone's trying to be supportive, yeah "just milk this from your teachers," "this must be so hard" etc, im sure you've all heard this before...

tonight my mom just said to me what i haven't thought of, or forgot to think of. and maybe some of you told me too, but i just didn't listen.

I have lived with TN for the past two years. what is different now? other than im on shitty meds. but if i know they make me tired, who says that mental power can't over-ride that?
I have always, ALWAYS been a good student, and extremely against disappointing my teachers, my parents, and myself. so what is different now? nothing. i CAN still be a good student and daughter and the same person i was.
The doctors try to scare you, saying it always gets worse, blah blah blah. but its not any worse RIGHT NOW than it has been, in fact better. although those darn attacks will always catch me so off guard, and i may still cry a little.
I am really HOPING to have surgery, and it will be in my head, and that is scary. but i don't have to think about that right now. in fact, i've thought about everything too much for the last three or four weeks that im all 'thinked' out. i know enough to go to the next step, and that isn't for two weeks. and after that, ill think about the next step. but for tonight, i just have to finish some homework for tomorrow.

I know this might not apply to all or any of you here, i know everyone has different pain, and different meds. but i haven't missed out on anything before because of my TN, even though i didn't know thats what it was.
why should i miss out on my life, and on being happy now?
i shouldn't. and I WON'T.
I am a perfectionist by nature, so I know i couldn't live with myself if i gave up on this semester's classes, and because of it messed up the rest of my college career...so I WON'T.
I don't know if everyone has felt strong in the past, but i think everyone is capable of being strong in the face of pain and uncertainty. i hope you all have gone through this type of personal revelation, or will someday.

I have found myself again. good to be back.
-sarah