Hello,

My name is Andrew, I am 26 years old. I am here to talk about my situation and get other's opinions. I sometimes feel guilty, wrong, depressed, about the situation my family is in. First off, my parents got divorced less than a year ago after 30+ years of marriage. Both my brother and I were out of the house when it happened, but it was still devastating. My father a couple years back was diagnosed with psarcodosis, which was a major scare.. especially since Bernie Mac died about a month after my father was diagnosed with it.

Moving along, my mother started to develop health issues as well throughout all of this. She had a growth removed from her neck via surgery.. luckily it was non cancerous. Another major scare, followed by relief. My mom moved 50 miles away from me, about 10 minutes from my brother - Which is good because they are so close together she can visit him frequently if needed. Unfortunately, I don't see my mother and father as much because of a crazy IT job working long insane hours, on-call, etc... plus she lives 50 miles away.

One week ago today my mom was diagnosed with TN. She had an attack that lead her to the ER, which lead to the diagnosis. They put her on Vicodin and a different medication that I cannot think of right now. The doctors told her it'd take up to 3-4 weeks before the meds would kick in.

Now today, I find out my mom had an attack while driving a 45 minute commute to a relatives house - To pick up weed. My mom has been a life long cigarette and marijuana smoker.. Not to mention over the last year, I have not seen her sober a SINGLE time. She defends that she's going through hell, and she's trying her best.. Even after the growth was removed from her neck it wasn't enough to get to slow it down..

To make things more complicated.. I feel like my Mom is only close with my brother, and doesn't consider me nearly as close. She considers me a "carbon copy of my Dad" - Which doesn't offend me, except for all the times she has bashed my Dad over the last year during the fighting throughout the divorce. Of course I understand some of that is normal, but I feel terrible.

My brother is only my half-brother. His father passed away years ago. He isn't as close to my Father as I am, even though even I myself haven't been close to him either over the last few years.

I am stuck in a rut. I am so ****** off at my mom, because it seems like no matter what she'll never start taking care of her self. I have all this pressure on me because she continues to call my brother whenever she has problems, but never me.. and when my brother calls me to tell me about it, I can tell he's sick of dealing with her but feels like he has no choice.

My family is falling apart.. well, it already has fallen apart.. I am in a tough spot, because I love my mom and dad equally, and I feel like I am pulled around and walking on glass all the time. My mom tells me I am not allowed to tell my father about my moms recent diagnosis of TN, so I am supposed to keep it a secret. I also have to keep her drug use a secret. Secrets secrets secrets.. I feel like I can't talk to ANYBODY about ANYTHING, and am supposed to just move through this like it's normal.

Am I wrong here? For thinking my family is a nightmare and needs to face reality, grow up, stop using drugs, stop smoking, and start taking care of yourself now that you're in your 50s? The worst part of all of this, my brother and I are both differing on opinions in this matter. I spoke with him today, told him if Mom doesn't start taking care of herself, getting treatment, therapy, quitting weed, quitting cigarettes, quitting alcohol... and focusing on her health, how are we supposed to change anything? If my brother and I aren't on the same page, I will always be the jerk that doesn't care.

As you can see, this is pretty chaotic. I am sorry for going all over the place, but don't know what to do. I am very careful about what I say to my Mother these days, because of her condition the littlest thing will send her into a emotional wreck, and I end up feeling is guilty.

What would you do?

Thanks!!

Andy

Hi Andy,

I really don't know what to say. I admit that I have only understood a part of your problem, but still I am just writing what I felt after reading your problem.

As I understood your problems are:
1> your Mother's Health
2> your Father's Health
3> your mom taking drugs
4> your brother does not think the way you think
6> you don't get enough time to sort this out

First of all I'll say that when a family suffers from a problem no one thinks positive. Everything looks negative. So whatever happens please never loose hope and be positive. Remember, Everything happens for good.

All the problem you are in now are not created in one day, so don't expect that everything will be fine in just one day. Things will heal slowly. One things that is good with bad times and also bad with good times is they pass. So have faith.

I think just as in am company every person has different jobs, responsibility and one person alone cannot run a company, In a family also every person has his role. You cannot take place of you father for your mother or place of your mother for your father. Also every person has their own reasons for doing what they are doing and whatever they are doing is their reaction to the environment they see.

So, play your role for your family honestly, With love. Forget the past, just make sure whenever you are around any of your family member you are making them happy, even you are with them for a minute. Always talk good, NEVER, NEVER discuss whatever wrong had happened. Whenever you get chance throw a little party or a get together occasionally. This will create positive environment and give your family a chance to come together (Xmas coming soon). It is good time to marry if you are not married yet.

Don't forget to give your mother a tight hug whenever you meet her.

Andy, just be positive, have faith...

May God bless you and your family.

Shubham Soni