good day all

my appointment isn't till 2:00
the lump is still hanging around
i don't even know how to express the
emotions that run through me
i had a horrible night with other issues
found under spinal disorder
waiting for meds to kick in
takes about 45 minutes
till then i thought i would share
i find myself extremely depressed
i'll have tomorrow with my
psychiatrist he does help
it's over a year now
till then i am happy that this forum exists
the last time i looked at the clock
was 3:15 a.m. with nightmares too follow
horrible, unspeakable
lots of blood and violence
what in heavens name would
bring on such violence is disturbing
in my waking life i live
as we all do
have situations that is just not
in our control
to stop it i just got up
only to be reminded
the doctor
my eldest child (30) will be with me
i always said in the past if by chance
and the odds are there
in worse case and test show
positive
i said i would have both breasts removed
and still would
what i can't wrap my brain around is
they served its purpose
i breast fed all my four children
one up till 30 months
i was married a long time ago
and divorced just 25 years now
decided then never to marry again
i don't have someone special
because i don't trust
my relationships are limited
i feel so alone
so scared
hard accepting that this
is really happening
everything a test
it is just so much at once
blowing my mind
i am relieved knowing i
have done my job and had my mammos
faithfully that should calm me a bit
but honestly the attachment
is not making any sense
i am 50 years young
although the grey gives it away
so much confusion in my gut
if you know what i mean
i just want it over already
i want to live life
knowing darn well i am responsible for it
something i do not know how to respond at
the thought of them being gone
it sounds so vein
and by far it isn't that
so many women and men
die
i'm going to go now
smack myself around a little
get out of the poor me crap
i just want to FEEL happy
i have many things in my life
just be grateful
and stop with the grief
in my writing i'm sure
the confusion is evident
i'll get over it
get tested do not hesitate
or procrastinate
may that be the message

How did your appointment go?

I hope the tests were OK and that you can now stop worrying.

good day koala

thank you for asking

i posted in the forum "women health" breast
gave impression
word for word
november 10th is the day
it is a scary feeling
can't help but touch it all the time
woke up from a crappy night
the weather here isn't helping any
however, upon waking i turned the television on
and there it was
something i need
tail end of a high school young man
cancer survivor
and say, take it as it comes
it is like the seasons
a beginning and end
enjoy life was the message
very wise young man
divine intervention
i try not lingering in and out depression
it's in my own head
biopsy, and take it from that moment on
till then
hope all is well with you
that you are able and allow yourself
happiness to warm your heart
i'm trying to figure out how this computer
stuff works getting it s l o w l y but found
a wonderful group i like connecting with
so excuse the rudeness if someone is reaching out
and i may not respond as i should
when frustrated i push buttons on the key board
and just see what happens
i will keep you informed
thank you for your interest in me
and what has been going on

lots of happiness your way

Eva,
I am brand new to this site. I had breast cancer and had a bi lateral mastectomy on St. Patty's Day. I now am suffering bad with spine and disc issues and will be turning 50 on Saturday. It has been an awful year for me!! One thing to remember is 80% of all biopsies are benign. I'm praying you are one of them!! It's a tough haul, but I am here for any questions, concerns or venting you need! I've been there and done that. My primary care dr says i need surgery on my spine, but is hoping they just keep me comfortable with injections, till my breast reconstruction is complete, and my body can handle another major surgery. They say God never gives us more than we can handle, but i find myself saying why does he trust me so much? I'm praying for you to get good results. Don't back down, stay strong and fight like a girl!! <3 Sandy

I will be thinking of you during your appointment. I think alot of what you feel regarding those parts of your body is normal. If we loose parts of ourselves is is natural to grieve for their loss. That isn't vain, but part of the emotional issues involving loss. It is a loss and you have that right to feel as you do.
I am sorry however for your dreaming state. Sometimes our subconcience does overtime with worry, and makes us dream things that frighten. Life is scarry enough! Tell yourself that and maybe those dreams will go away. I hope and pray for the outcome of your office visit. Please do write back and let us know how you are. You are already being very brave. ginnie

dear sandy

my biopsy came back positive

infiltrating ductal carcinoma

my mri is tomorrow

i'm told it will take an hour

when i got the news

i did not expect the findings

two of my doctors asked

how many children

four

did you breastfeed

yes my last child fed off me for thirty months

both said excellent

chances are calcification

when i got there i thought

they are probably are right

not so

i decided at that moment

both are coming off period

my grandmother mothers side
died from this disease breast

i will need your advice

not ready yet

still doing my homework

much thanks

i pray you are in a good state all around

look forward to our talks

i love where you say

why does he trust me so much

we have work he wants us to do

be well sandy
you too need a break

still recovering from 2 cervical fusion 5/6 6/7 plate and cage last surgery april 15th 2011
lots of things going on

dear ginnie

blessed by your care and concerns
hope someone is taking real good
care of you
appointment for mri tomorrow
keep you informed

sweet dreams for you

with love

I am sorry you have that blasted disease. You already have been through alot. As far as myself, I have good support on this end. My best friend, and my son, sick with me through all of my medical conditions. I get most of the emotional support I need. when I am particularly scared I come back to this site for encouragement and information. I am blessed as I am not alone in the struggles we all face. I have glad we have this connection to neruo talk. I will be thinking of you during your surgery. I hope you recover quickly, and have no complications to worry about. It sounds like the support you get at home is good too. Please be good to yourself, of course I care about you, and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. ginnie

Thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers.

Eva, I know it is a lot for you to handle. We all care about and for you. I previously mentioned to you about an oil painting I did of the Image of Divine Mercy. This painting was venerated in a Church for 13 years and now is in my living room. The inscription at the bottom is "Jesus I Trust In You". I pray before that image and ask that you are able to" give it all to God". Easy to say; but so hard for us to do. This prayer is for all of us here on this site as well.