Maybe I have bad luck! OK, well actually I do...but still. I'm just going to ramble because I have a lot on my mind and I'm trying to validate my fears/anger. Haha.

I have this very bizarre fear/anger regarding Gynecologists. Out of every doctor I've ever seen, I hate Gyn's. I mean, I have no desire to ever visit them.

It started off with my very first pap smear 2 weeks following my first period. It came back abnormal. I was 15 or so, I'd have to check my paperwork - my memory is crap.

Anyway, they had to do a colposcopy a few weeks after that and for many years to follow, I had a pap every ~6 months and colposcopy once per year. This was very unpleasant. Now I know it's their job to be thorough, but I was quite uncomfortable with the 'southern' attention when I hadn't even considered kissing boys at that age.

I think I was 18 or so when my Gyn was going to retire, she'd told me I had endometriosis, ovarian cysts, my cervix/uterus was tilted and having children in the future would probably be out of the question. Being a pain in the butt as usual, I decided that I would get pregnant (I had this thought prior to ever having sex, I'm a genius!).

My first pregnancy I didn't think I was, for being 19 and trying I sure didn't get pregnant as fast as the people who did it on accident. I was sick, bleeding, and didn't think I was pregnant at all. I went to the Gyn who told me after ONLY going bloodwork that I was having a miscarriage and it would all 'pass fine'. Two weeks later, I had emergency surgery due to severe bleeding and an infection. It was an ectopic pregnancy - something they should have checked for. I had a laparoscopy, laparotomy and a dnc (I could have spelled something wrong). I had to go back a week following due to infection which was caused from them packing my laparotomy hole with gauze and forgetting to remove it.

Believe it or not, I still have more reasons to hate these people.

I finally got pregnant with my son and had a great GYN who would call my house every single day to check on me. He was a damn good doctor. Up until the point he didn't look at my chart when I went into pre-term labor and he gave me paragoric. I'm very allergic to morphine. That didn't turn out well. I ended up (which was my fault) going into pre-term labor again at 24 weeks because I was pulling 10 hour shifts (3rd shift to boot) as a waitress. I will fully take blame for that. I thought when I felt the contractions I could take a nap, go get my shot of terbutaline and go home - I was pretty used to that. But no, they did some fetal fiber something test and I guess I failed it so I had to stay for months.

I was given magensium sulfate via IV constantly, it was horrible. I was given terbutaline shots ~3 times a day for breakthrough labor along with steroid 'butt shots' for the baby.

My complaint is they told me neither of the two medications for pre-term labor would harm me or the baby. They overdosed me on accident which led to my wandering around my room, the wall heater fell off and put a gash in my leg. I was on oxygen for a couple of days, nothing serious besides that.

It wasn't until after I had my son that I did some online research to see that Magnesium Sulfate was unapproved (or not encouraged, it's been a while) by the FDA for the use of pre-term labor and that SALINE was more effective long before I was given it. It showed terbutaline(brethine) and magnesium sulfate both have been known to contribute to problems in infants and mothers. My son was healthy for the most part, but I don't like liars. I should have been told the risks. Period.

Next!

I amazingly enough got pregnant again while on the birth control pill which was another ectopic. Before surgery, my Gyn (a new one) suggested I have a tubal ligation due to scarring and severe damage to my tubes. She said that my chances of ever having a normal pregnancy were pretty much 0% and I'd just have ectopics. I was 21 with one child and not married. At the time a typical tubal ligation would only be done on a woman 30 years of age, married and/or with 3 children. Since it was suggested by my doctor, I was required to do nothing to have one done. I feel pretty betrayed, to say the least. I was under the impression this was to protect me, but it doesn't feel that way.

After that surgery, I felt different. I felt like less of a woman and I felt like I didn't need a doctor anymore. So I stopped going. I didn't have my paps, nothing.

Finally about two years ago I went to the Gyn with Kaiser. Without looking at my chart these are the events that took place.

The doctor wanted to try to extract a lump in my breast, I had said it was solid (making that task impossible) which was in MY CHART. They kept prying until I finally gave in after knowing it wouldn't work. So I had a needle shoved into my breast for no reason. *sigh*

Then, without looking at my chart she basically told me I had HPV (this normally is what will cause pre-cancerous cells to be on the cervix, mine have been there since my first pap as mentioned above). I told her it's in my chart, I don't have any STD's, etc... but no, I had to get checked for everything. Then when she asks if I can be pregnant I tell her I had a tubal ligation due to being high risk for ectopics and she says to me, "Didn't you think maybe your son would like a sibling?".

WHO SAYS THAT?

Considering her face was close to my feet, she's lucky I didn't kick her in her face.

She ended up doing a colposcopy which she wasn't as gentle as your average person. My legs were shaking it hurt so bad.

Needless to say, I've never been back since.

I hate gynecologists. There, I said it. I hate them all.

Anyway, due to recent problems I have no choice but to go back. I'm sure I could ride out feeling like my ovary is going to explode and never have sex again - but, I don't think it's the best idea. I honestly don't want to go.

Deep down, I wish I could find one with even a pinch of compassion or at least the ability to be honest and professional. I know I look young which leads me to being judged a lot and I'm judged for not being married. I don't think I should have to say that I've been with the same person long enough to be married via common low. I'm happy how I am, but regardless - my health and the care of is their business. Not my life at home.

I don't think I'll ever get over the tubal ligation thing, it will haunt me for the rest of my life. Not a day will pass that I do not feel like something is missing. I think if I'd have been spoken to about other options (such as laser surgery to remove scar tissue) I'd be more forgiving. My only chances of getting pregnant now are IVF and who has $15,000 to throw around? If we did that, we'd have no money to pay for the child after taking the cost of pregnancy and child birth into account.

I just feel like I'm feeling sad because my gyn was scalpel happy. There hasn't been a person I've spoken to that said a tubal ligation WAS the best option in my case. I know the risks, but I know that I've made it through much tougher things. I'd gladly risk losing my fallopian tubes for a chance to have a child. I feel like I have had the baby blues for the past 9 years.

I know I can adopt, but I also know it can be a heartbreaking process. I also know my marital status would be taken into account as well as my health condition, not to mention - the cost of it. I don't think I'm selfish for wishing I could have a child, even though I spent a majority of my time throwing up - I miss being pregnant. People who saw me in the hospital think I'm crazy, hehe.

Maybe I can win the lottery and pay for good care and get that IVF thing done.

I wish I at least had the courage to tell whoever my new doctor is that I do have a high level of discomfort around gyns and maybe they won't be so crappy to me.

Anyway, I'm done ranting/whining.

Needed to get that off of my chest.

Ellie - I hope you can call and request a different gyn due to your complicated history.

Up here Kaiser isn't known to be the highest at care unless you make a request. { I only was told that about requesting- yrs ago - so not sure about it now}

I've been putting my yearly stuff off too.

I have aetna now, so it's a new doctor. I've kind of lost faith in all of them, hehe.