[waves]

Hello dear folks,

this is happening to my aunt/uncle/cousins - i am close to their family although we don't see each other often.

about six weeks ago, a good friend of my cousins' was killed crossing the street on a pedestrian crossing. he was 47 and had been in good health. he was survived by a wife and two kids. today we found out that his wife took her own life - presumably overwhelmed by the shock and grief of losing her husband - not aware of any pre-existing issues. she is survived by the two poor kids. and friends...

one of my cousins in particular had been close friends, ever since childhood, of the suicide victim. and i was very close to this cousin. i tried to call her twice today but she didn't answer. i don't want to call againn soon, as i don't want to bug her - maybe she doesn't want to talk about it at all, or maybe not to me. in recent years we have kept in touch but do not see each other frequently.

i was thinking, i would write her a letter to offer her condolences and support - you know, let her know she can talk to me about this if she wants to and when she wants to, be it in a day a week or a year. because as you all know this is a hard thing to talk about to people "at large" without running into a lot of judgment and insensitivity and i am afraid of that for her. i thought this could be a way to let her know i am available to her without intruding on her grief.

or do you think i should try to call her again in, say a week? (or do both?)

what do you guys think?

... and if you have any other ideas... all thoughts are welcome.

thank you, everyone.

~ waves ~

[thelonely1]

I'm sorry to hear about the deaths in your family.

I think you should write the letter and call her. Give her a gentle loving reminder that there are people who care about her. She might want to talk, she might not, the important thing is, she'll know she has the option when she needs it.

[Alffe]

Oh waves, I'm so sorry. I think a letter is a good idea just to let her know that you are available to listen if she'd like to talk, or have a shoulder to cry on even if that shoulder is a distance away.

I attended our survivors support meeting last night and was so in awe of a family who is only months into losing a loved one to suicide. They are fortunate to have each other (a big family) to cry with and lean on and listen to.

You can offer great assistance in your willingness to listen when she wants to talk...and remember, that might take a little time before she is ready.

[Alffe]

Just Sit With Me
by Rob Anderson

This article should be in the hands and hearts of everyone who wants to be a grieving, healing partner for someone who has suffered a loss. It is for those who "get it," to the extent they can and for those who don't "get it," but still want to help.

1. Know that you have incredible power. Your support today, tomorrow, and forever will be paramount to our healing. Stick with us and you will see our smiles return.

2. Understand that our grieving and healing will never end. We will never be over it or completely healed. We will grieve the death of our loved ones forever, but it doesn't mean we need to lead a grief-stricken life. That is where you can help.

3. When we talk about our pain and our tears flow, don't try to make them go away. They are doing good things for us. Our tears are like the steam valve on a pressure cooker. We need them as a way of releasing our suffering.

4. We know we scare you at times, because we are so distraught, but don't look at us as a problem to be fixed so you will feel better. Don't make our healing about what is best for you. We know you want to help, but advice and "should do's" only invalidate our feelings and push us away.

5. Don't try to change us. We will never be the person you once knew - too much has happened to us. Let us be who we are, a grieving, healing person who one day will be similar to that complete person you knew. We want to feel better; we are looking for answers where sometimes there are none. Be patient with us; we know we can be frustrating for you. You may think that we are not trying, but we are, with all our might, all the time.

6. Be an empathetic listener. There is incredible power in saying nothing. Don't feel like you need to fill the silence with words. A gentle hug, a hand held, a simple nod of the head says you care.

7. We will never stop missing our loved one. We think about him just as often as you think about your loved ones who are alive. And that is the way it will always be. If you see us out to dinner or at the show, dancing and smiling, don't think we have healed and no longer need you. Those are our masks. Like any deep wound that scars over, the pain of the wound lives in us forever and stays with us.

8. We love to talk about our loved ones. They still live. Not like they used to, but their spirit and life force live within us, and we love hearing their names spoken and your stories about the memories validate their lives. If we cry when you talk about them, you didn't cause our tears. Those are tears from a grateful heart, because you remembered our loved ones.

9. Our loved one's birthday and death days are days we will not forget...ever. You can never remind us they died, but you can remind us they lived through your sharing. You have the power to help us heal by acknowledging those days with a card or a call. Whether it is our first year, our tenth or thirtieth year without our loved ones, when you contact us, you are remembering their lives and that is powerful for us.

10. We know that you hurt, too. This loss of a loved one was a loss for you also. We can help each other heal by staying involved in each other's lives.

11. If you are reluctant to call or come by, don't be afraid of us. When you show up, you show you care. Even if all you can do is cry in our arms or over the phone, it helps us know your tears are for us. That helps us heal, and you too.

12. Finally, if you are a healing partner who can stay with us forever, we will never be able to put into words how grateful we are for your support. When we smile a genuinely happy smile as our lives heal, much of that joy will be because of you. You have that kind of power and we, and our loved ones, will be eternally thankful you had the courage, strength, and most of all, patience to wait for us to return.

*****************

Reprinted in April 06 SOS Newsletter of Dane County from Bereavement Publications, Inc.
__________________

[waves]

(((Lonely1))) and (((Alffe))),

thank you both for your replies, and Alffe thanks for that list of "support guidelines" or whatever to call them. familiar concepts but helpful to have in distilled nuggets like that.

i will write the letter, and i think, wait a while before i call again. i tried twice and her cell will show her the missed calls from me. if i don't hear from her in say, a month, i will try and call her again just to see how she's doing. i kind of suspect she will give me a buzz before then, between the phone calls and the letter, because she is the type to acknowledge. she already knows i'm no stranger to depression and "mental stuff" in general, so, i'd hazard an educated guess that if she doesn't call she probably is really not up to it for now... and i'm thinking a week is really pretty short for this sort of thing. i can also ask my aunt how she's doing, as my aunt is who told my mom, so she is talkable-to.

well anyway. i will be popping in here in case i have more to add or anyone here does...

((( for the room )))

~ waves ~

[DMACK]

Waves

Letter writing is the perfect way to get ditrectly to a persons inner thoughts, as letters are read privately and not out loud.

you message of support.... if and when required is measured and not at all intrusive, i'm sure this friend would warmly welcome your offer [though just give her time to respond, like you said either in days weeks or years...you have sowed a seed of support leave it to take root]

David

[waves]

Hello David

thanks so much for your feedback. last night i wrote out a rough draft of the letter. it basically says what you suggest. i also added that "i wonder" if there is anything i can do for the kids (now orphans).

i am a little undecided about some things so i shall leave it sit for a day and reread it before i finalize and mail it. i cannot post it as it is not in English, and for both linguistic and cultural reasons, posting a translation would be ineffective - if writing such a letter, say, to a US friend, what i would write could not correspond to a translation of this letter.

ONE THING I AM DEBATING:

wanting to say, but not sure if i should/will, that i am aware of some of the complexities of this type of loss as well as the fact that societal taboos can make sharing and mourning more difficult, that i hope she has friends with whom she can share openly but that in any event i welcome her to share with me, if and in whatever time frame she feels up to it. well the last part i would say anyway... but as to the first bits,

i don't want to come off like a wannabe therapist or some sort of knowitall

* on the other hand *

considering this culture and this person, if i just leave it at "you can talk to me" she might still be afraid to do so, not knowing to what degree it's "ok," not wanting to impose on me, or even not wishing to trigger me somehow. so it might actually be important to include this. not sure. since we don't usually see each other too often, it might not feel natural for her to share with me nonetheless, and that is alright. but she really really could run into problems with talking to people (i've heard some GHASTLY GHASTLY things talking to people here about suicide, just... ughhh! anyway...) so she might at some point need someone. so i do want to get clear to her that, for my part anyway, i'm really ok with her sharing.

will let it stew. and, culture differences or not, i still welcome your thoughts. your thoughts are good food for my thoughts.

again, thank you all kindly.

~ waves ~

[Alffe]

waves I am wondering if there is a suicide support group near her.

[DMACK]

For Waves

[maybe you could write a seperate poem to convey what you would like to say to your friend ....i wrote one for you ....use it or not it is just an idea]

My dear friend

In times of pain, and hurt, and of sorrow
Please know from my heart my ears can you borrow.

When you desire to talk, and feel able and bolder
Please know from my heart, you can lean on my shoulder

When the words that come out, are of anger or of fear
Please know from heart, I will always be here.

When you feel all alone, and your thoughts are mixed up
Please know from my heart, I will drink from your cup.

You see my dear friend I have nothing to lose
I have felt the same grief, and walked in your shoes.

My offer of support is open to take, to borrow or to lend
Because most of all
you are,
and always be
My special Dear friend


David

[waves]

DAVID - that is a BEAUTIFUL POEM!!! thank you!!! if my cousin spoke english i would use it. good idea tho, i will see if i can write one following your example... or produce a good, poetic translation.

i spoke with my aunt at length this morning - have more to say, but ... another time... i am unwell (physically) right now.

~ waves ~