[vlhperry]

cake Or Bed?

A Husband Is At Home Watching A
Football Game When His Wife Interrupts,

Honey,
Could You Fix The Light In The Hallway?
It's Been Flickering For Weeks Now.

He Looks At Her And Says Angrily,
Fix The Lights Now?
Does It Look Like I Have
Ge Written On My Forehead?
I Don't Think So.

Fine,

Then The Wife Asks,
Well Then, Could You Fix The Fridge Door?
It Won't Close Right

To Which He Replied,
Fix The Fridge Door?
Does It Look Like I Have Westinghouse
Written On My Forehead?
I Don't Think So

Fine, She Says
Then You Could At Least Fix The Steps
To The Front Door?
They Are About To Break

I'm Not A Carpenter And I Don't
Want To Fix Steps.
He Says, Does It Look Like I Have
Ace Hardware Written On My Forehead?
I Don't Think So
I've Had Enough Of You.
I'm Going To The Bar!!!!

So He Goes To The Bar And Drinks For A
Couple Of Hours...................................

He Starts To Feel Guilty About How
He Treated His Wife, And Decides
To Go Home

As He Walks Into The House He Notices
That The Steps Are Already Fixed.

As He Enters The House, He Sees The
Hall Light Is Working.

As He Goes To Get A Beer, He Notices
The Fridge Door Is Fixed.

Honey, He Asks, How'd All This Get Fixed?
She Said, Well, When You Left I Sat
Outside And Cried.

Just Then A Nice Young Man Asked Me
What Was Wrong, And I Told Him.

He Offered To Do All The Repairs, And
All I Had To Do Was Either
Go To Bed With Him Or Bake A Cake.

He Said,
So What Kind Of Cake Did You Bake?

She Replied,
Hellooooo..
Do You See Betty Crocker Written
On My Forehead?
I Don't Think So!

[DaleD]

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in
for a newer model. I shake and shimmy no matter how fast I'm going. I've got
bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a
little dull ... but that's not the worst of it. My headlights are out of focus and
it's especially hard to see things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it
once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of
weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to
reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently. But here's the
worst of it --Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter.....either my
radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

[Stitcher]

The Husband Store

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City,
where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the
store operates:

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the
shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. You may choose any man from a particular
floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down
except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the
first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are
extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to
the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are
drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still,
she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are
drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic
streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and
the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no
men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are
impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

[Jaye]

» Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.
- Ashleigh Brilliant

» It's always darkest before it turns absolutely pitch black.
- Paul Newman

» I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here.
- Stephen Bishop

» I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
- Groucho Marx

» The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.
- George Bernard Shaw

» He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.
- Oscar Wilde

» I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
- Mark Twain

» I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.
- Clarence Darrow

[stevem53]

Thats Allstates stand..Are you in good hands?

[gaykir]

A thief in Paris planned to steal some

paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security,

stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured

only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.




When asked how he could mastermind such

a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur,

that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to

make the Van Gogh."




And you thought I didn't have De Gaulle

to send this on to someone else. Well, I figure I have nothing Toulouse.

[Stitcher]

Refrigerator Man

A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, ''Doctor, you've got to do something about my husband -- he thinks he's a refrigerator!''

''I wouldn't worry too much about it,'' the doctor replies. "Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass.''

''But you don't understand,'' the woman insists. ''He sleeps with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake.''