[tkrik]

My 3 year anniversary of dx just past and I still have denial issues.

My 1st year was spent with serial flares. One right after the other. I think I had a total of 6 flares in my 1st year. Not the way I would have wanted to start out with this. I mean, seriously, it was scary. I just assumed that by the end of the 2nd year I would be in a wheelchair at the rate I was going.

But the C started doing its job and things were better in my 2nd year. I got bigger breaks in the flares and had time to heal/repair in between them. I switched neuros during that year and it was the best thing I could have done for myself. I became more proactive about what the MS was doing to me and learning about the effects it had on me rather than reading just general information on MS.

So this past year has been a balancing act that I really have a hard time with - don't over do it. This has been so hard for me to do. Most mornings I wake up stiff, stiff, stiff and hurting. To combat that I fight back by staying in constant motion and moving all the time. I do the housework in hopes that it will loosen the muscles up. On cooler mornings I go for a walk, sometimes 5 minutes other times 20 minutes to 1/2 hour it just depends. I still need to use the cane on longer walks like that and try to stick close to home by going around and around and around my building. LOL.

However, the downside of this kind of denial is that I go, go, go and then I crash, crash, crash and become a vegetable on the couch. My neuro keeps telling me to slow down and that I do too much and it is effecting the MS and how I feel. I know this is denial in that I want to still be able to do the things I used and at the speed I used to. Trust me I attempt this on a daily basis and constantly fall on my face.

I guess, other than venting here to my buddies that understand, I was wondering how many of you, despite the years diagnosed, still go through denial and question the dx of MS. Do you ever wonder if maybe it is something else? Maybe they missed some clue somewhere.

Maybe I have in extreme denial. LOL

[TwoKidsTwoCats]

5 yrs dx'd, symptoms since 1989... I question my DX everytime I have to poke a hole in myself with a Beta injection.

In my head, I know they have done all the tests, I currently have one of the best neurologist around, I was dx'd by a well known MS specialist and still I wonder. I'm probably just looking for an excuse not to inject.

BUT I do. I feel I need to be on a therapy as long as it doesn't kick my butt like Copaxone did.

It's ok to wonder about the DX as long as you are honest with yourself about how you feel and how you are doing overall.

[SallyC]

Many years of denial....No more denial here.

[Aarcyn]

I keep hoping that this dx is a mistake. Then I keep hoping there will be a massive break-through and wham! I will feel my feet, I will dance around the room.

It is hard to realize that I will never have my future grandchildren come for a sleepover, even to hold an infant and soothe the baby cry.

I wish for a "do-over." If I had known my future, I often wonder about what I would have done differently. What memory would I like to hold? Skydiving? Cycling the Great Wall of China?

Yes, I would have done something like that.

[Debbie D]

It's funny...waited years for a dx...wanted an answer as to why I was suffering from the sxs.
Then, when I got dxd last Nov., I was second-guessing the neuro...esp. when I got the delivery of Copaxone...
I still wonder if he's wrong...if these things are just my brain playin' me...my MRI isn't lit up like a holiday scene...just a few small areas...so maybe he's wrong...but then, when I can barely walk to the bathroom in the morning, when I can't make it to the bathroom during the day, when my brain acts like it's swiss cheese with many holes in it, when I'm seeing two of everything, and can't distinguish between a greeen arrow or light at an intersection, I realize that something major IS wrong...and I get sad all over again...

[TXBatman]

I still wonder all the time, although I think my situation is somewhat different than many others. I had one flare that caused hearing loss for several weeks nearly 5 years ago, and haven't had a clear definitive MS symptom since. My neuro was proactive about doing MRIs every year after that episode and when more lesions showed up on my MRI without any distinct symptoms 2 years ago, she put me on Copaxone.

I am constantly questioning whether it is really MS...whether the fatigue I sometimes feel is MS or getting old. Whether the passing numbness along my jaw line that only lasts seconds is MS. Whether the loss of short term memory is MS or getting old, etc etc etc.

I feel terrific that I haven't had many symptoms, while feeling guilty about saying it around those who have, while wondering if I really have MS, etc etc. Everytime I see my neuro she talks about how great I am doing and how anybody who hadn't seen my MRi wouldn't know I had MS, and inside I silently wonder if I really do have MS.

Objectively I know that I do and I don't doubt her competence or her knowledge as a doc. But I still just can't help but wonder sometimes...

[tkrik]

Thanks you guys! You are awesome. I feel so much better knowing that others feel the same way.

Batman - That is almost exactly what I think - age vs. MS vs. something else. While I have symptoms all the time, I fight against them all the time and sometimes get really ticked off at the disruption they sometimes cause in my life.

As a "past" runner, I learned that when you have a cramp you work it out by stretching and moving around. When you are stiff, you work it out. I have been programmed with that "mentality." However, with MS it is not the same and I get ticked that I can't work the spasms and cramps out.

Anyhow, again thanks you guys. You're all great.

[Vonn07]

hey girl .. coming up to my 2nd year already - and I want to deny it ... and then wham-o ... I'm a hurting pup ..

from someone going 100mph to almost zippo ... I really really had to learn what my body can or can't do ... really - it's a tough lesson to slow down .. .but seeing that one of my sx is stress - by learning to slow down and staying calm ... and choosing to be happy ... the sx don't bother me as much ... but, it sure doesn't take much to set the sx off ...

pace yourself, girlfriend ... I have some ideas for you ... and hope to visit you someday!!

[tkrik]

Originally Posted by Vonn07

hey girl .. coming up to my 2nd year already - and I want to deny it ... and then wham-o ... I'm a hurting pup ..

from someone going 100mph to almost zippo ... I really really had to learn what my body can or can't do ... really - it's a tough lesson to slow down .. .but seeing that one of my sx is stress - by learning to slow down and staying calm ... and choosing to be happy ... the sx don't bother me as much ... but, it sure doesn't take much to set the sx off ...

pace yourself, girlfriend ... I have some ideas for you ... and hope to visit you someday!!

That's me - go 100 mph on the freeway of life and then WHAM! Hit the brick wall. LOL. Seriously, when I go, I go. DBF and DDs are constantly reminding me to pace myself and to rest and not over do it. But, I do.

[SandyC]

to all of you feeling this way.

Two things. One, your still who you were before dx, just more special. Second, you can do everything you always did before (with a few exceptions) just in a different way.

If you need that verified, ask Jim.