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08-13-2009, 11:36 PM
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'Thanks' Button Team Community Member T.K.S.
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It's funny, for as long as I lived, and for as many people that I have had deep conversations with...no one that I'd ever talked to, and I mean, NO ONE...
has ever escaped the issue of "low self-esteem" even those that seem narcissistic and would think that they are better than anyone else (they are actually givens, to me....I don't even need to know them to know that they suffer some form of low self-esteem) it's not just weights, or that perpetual pimple on the (_!_).... nor is it just feeling lonely and that nobody wants you... it's many things or it could be just one thing... but no one, at one time or another or at the present can seem or have seem to be able to be invulnerable to it... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Her name was Nicohl, she was in three of my classes. To be exact, Social Studies, English, and Geometry. To me, she was poetry in motion and she ALWAYS smiled at me (friendly type, she had a big ole boyfriend, CHUCK[seriously, that's his real name]). Needless to say, I had a big crush on her...I can almost honestly say that she might have been the first girl that I "loved" because it was different from a crush...because between ages 13-14, she was on my mind for that duration...it was that long (and maybe even longer, because I did think of her often well into my 20's)... I sat infront of her in Social Study's class and behind her in English and Geometry. (I always tried to sit behind her) There weren't assigned seats in one of those classes so I often would always cuss silently to myself if someone would've taken "my" seat that was close to hers. I was quite shy, especially around girls...I could barely utter a word to them without blushing and wanting to hide like an ostrich. But finally, I had the courage to at least say hi to her whenever I would see her...and she always would smile...those white bright teeth always did one of those commercial "ZING" to my ears whenever I'd see her smile... And that, would make my tiny heart beat erratically...sometimes so fast that I couldn't breathe... An opportunity came during the second half of the Geometry class. We were assigned 4 projects throughout the year and on my second project, I selected "Origami" as my project and I folded over 40 objects of various shapes and sizes. It got the highest score (according to my teacher, only the 3rd she's ever awarded) possible. Nicohl asked me if I could help her with her third project, which happened to be origami. I gave her the book that I bought and spent the free time in class (if we finished our work in time, we had some free time during class to work on our projects) sitting next to her and helped her with her project. Those times, til this day, remain some of the happiest time for me during what I'd call the "darkest ages of moi".... While I don't think she ever looked down at me...I always felt ashamed and embarassed sitting right NEXT to her...and I never said much...my English wasn't that good back then so whenever she'd looked like she was baffled due to my explanations, I'd dug an even bigger hole and would just "mime" it to her (now you know why I love mimes...LOL) those days didn't last very long...and were only a few minutes each time, really...but somewhere inside...I treasured every minute of it...even though I felt like the world's ugliest person next to the world's prettiest girl...somewhere inside...it was good over the bad... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ it's funny with low self-esteems...as I learned from various people, including myself...the trigger can be something as simple as watching somebody deemed "Beautiful" on TV... for me...it didn't helped that I ticced like crazy also...my eyes blinked constantly, my head constantly twitched to my right side, my shoulders shrugged and by then, I was beginning to develop this funny "noise" that sounded like a dog's bark. It started more like a dry cough...then a cough that seem to never clear up... and now(well, then, really), it became a noise...one that even I, myself, dreaded to hear... It didn't help that I was Asian living in the deep south also...quotidiantly, I was teased about my eyes...people pulling on their eyes asking me if I was Chinese, Japanese, Korean as they slant their eyes upwards, straightout, and downwards. It didn't help that I had big lips also. I was told by someone that I looked like the hog that needed to be hooked. It didn't help that my nose was not very straight neither...some of my own cousins had often teased me about my "pigish" nose... It didn't help that I was really addicted to fried foods and that my face looked like a big pizza pie dotted with tiny pepperoni either (sorry, Dean, even though I loved your song, that was NOT "amore" to me...) so, some where around age 13, I made a decision...I decided that my goal in life, was to be "handsome". Now, I wasn't too dumb of a kid...I showed some promise as a possible pianist at a very young age. I also showed a lot of interest in science and had thought I wanted to become some sort of scientist. But somewhere, it all got lost in translation and by 13, becoming good looking was my ultimate goal... I searched magazine articles over and over (especially the women magazines) I secretly bought products through mail using fake names and using money orders because one had to be 16-18 or older. I used duck tape and stuck them to my eyelids and then pulling it upwards to help my eyes become bigger and less slanted. I pulled at my nose 200 times a day in hopes that it'd get straighter and thinner. I squeezed my lips any time I could've in hopes that it'd get thinner and prettier.. I rubbed whatever I read that I thought would work and bought all over me... I tried all sorts of ointments that thankfully, didn't kill me... I meditated and injured myself in hopes that I'd reduced my tics... of course...as you SANE people know, none of those works (worked)... one day, my mom found me duck taping my eyes and they were up to my eyebrows... she angrily came over, without saying a word, and ripped them right off...that was the last of it...I knew she knew what I was doing...she's mom, after all... til this day, I don't have "bushy" eyebrows because of that, I think....LOL ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ after the Geometry project was over, I even more aware of the differences between me and Nicohl...I started to hide from her and avoided her...and sat further and further... but somewhere, deep inside of me...I wanted to hear her ask me, "Ed, why don't you sit next/close to me anymore?" Of course, that's just wishful thinking...and whenever I'd see her...I'd suck in my lips and peeled my eyes open as big as they would go... in retrospect, I must've looked like a zombie...LOLOLOL there was always some kind of hurt whenever I'd see Chuck and her in the hallways...when they would kiss or just hold hands... the loneliness that I felt consumed me even more as I fell off the ladder even further... each day, it was not an upclimb to the ladder...but a step down... so, further and further into the abyss of self-pity I went...and in the meantime, I built a huge brick wall around it...not wanting to be touched...(I didn't know that at the time) but one day, during Social Study's class...the teacher announced that he was going to give us a project. We're to be divided into groups of threes... and with luck...I got into Nicohl's group... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ around age 14, I finally was dx with Tourette's Syndrome....I gotten to the point that I couldn't walk anymore....the leg jerks had gotten so bad that whenever I'd stood, I'd fall due to the sonic tics... I wanted to die...but it was more about being embarassed than anything...I was still attending school and they were all staring... I wanted to die...why was I there? Why were they staring....God, please just let me die, let me fall off the stairs or something... but dammit, there IS always someone NICE enough to help me out, to pull me through...but I didn't wanted to be HELPED...I wanted to DIE...let me die...dammit.... my parents worked 13 hour plus days...they owned a mom and pop's restaurant. Their limited ability with the English language as well as us being isolated in the deep south didn't help me at all. They were worried, but they didn't know what was going on...even after my dx, they didn't know what to do... but there were always nice people, strangers or "friends"(Customers that became friends) that reached out... and we were reached...finally.... her name is Nancy (Gosh, I hope in all my heart that she is still around so I can thank her one day...) and she happened to work for the schools....her mom had been helping immigrants to get them established...she "found" us and she reached us... I was placed in the hospital and was taken out of school...finally.... the next year....would determine whether I would've made it or not...it began my life's battle with suicides.... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ My leg tics hadn't start to set in yet...just those stupid vocal tics...the stupid dog barks...but most of the time, I still had them under control... it's just that I needed to find a place where I could let it all out after holding it and the only time to do it, was to do it during class... back then, most of my teachers let us write our own notes to go to the bathrooms...I got quite creative: "Ed's bladder is full and the path to the boy's room is in his near future, Confucious" "Ed's on his way to the restroom. Please allow him before he pee's in his pants" some of the teachers would often shake their heads at my weird notes...but I was proud of them... one day, I wrote one such note and went to the bathroom to have my "fit" while I was having my fit in the stalls...I heard someone shouting, "are you alright???" I was shocked and embarassed and I opened the door to let them know that I was OK... it was none other than Chuck... he was at first, concerned but that look of concern became the belittling look that deprecated me to my core... I ran out of that bathroom and I played sick the next day....I didn't wanted to go back to school...I kept on telling myself..."he told her...I know he told her..." even though I knew that she knew there was something WRONG with me...even though I never saw her TEASED me... I was afraid to go back.... but go back I had to... and nothing happened...she never said anything to me...she still just smiled...but...I could see pity in her eyes... and then, our Social Study's project began... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ my dad, I learned to love him posthumously... he was also one of those that lacked self-esteem...but I didn't cared about that until much later around that time, I was too self-absorbed with self-pity to notice anyone else in my family.... and my dad was cheap... we didn't have a lot of money and I didn't appreciate the fact that we were poor when I should be thankful that we even had a place to live. We started living in a 1 bedroom apt in Queens, NY...all five of us, in one tiny one bedroom apt to that we were now living in a house where I got to share a bedroom with my brother, F. I didn't cared about that... I cared what all teenagers cared about. I cared that I didn't wanted my parents to be my parents and that I wished someone else were my parents I cared that I didn't wanted to be seen with them. I cared that I didn't care for that old Ford Station Wagon that carried us all the way from NY to NC and that I didn't wanted to be seen picking up or dropping off in it. All I cared about, was my image...what my ultimate goal was to be...to be handsome...even though I knew it was impossible.... somewhere, I let it all got to my head... I loathed myself so much that I lost touch with reality... I hated myself so much that I didn't bother to look around me to see and know that people cared... all around me, were bricks and darkness...and above me....there was no sun, no light... I could see...but it was more like a bat using a radar...there was no color, no emotions, nothing...just wire-frames of objects, including people that I seem to be walking through.... I breathed, but it felt like I had to try very hard to inhale and exhale... I felt like spinning and, I did... I span and I spun until the world crashed and I no longer was here...I was somewhere else in an astral plane...and nobody could touch me, my soul, and I... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ For the Social Study's project, going to the library was a must....for that, I demanded that my parents to buy me a bike. I calculated it all very well. I lived exactly 32 blocks from the library. I knew all the short cuts. I knew Nicohl's parents would drive her to the library. I knew they drove a fancy car. I knew that I had to ride my bike to school and I knew that I then had to ride it to the library, which was thankfully, only 17 blocks away. for three weeks, I would be working on this project with Nicohl and another girl...who was actually very nice, but Powers that be forgive me, I can't remember her name... Of course, my father wouldn't buy me one of those nice looking bikes...we went to the flea market and while my mom argued with him that I should get a better bike, he got me a rusted one anyways. "As long as it runs," he said, "when I was a kid, I had all hand me downs...I got my oldest brother's bike and I had to fix it up..." I remember I "hated" him for that and I didn't wanted to talk to him...but he did fixed it up, some what; and he painted it ,some what... but he wasn't a fixer nor a painter and the bike looked even worse after the "fixed up job"... but I had no choice, it was either the bike and my calculations, or I had to have him take me in that old ugly rusted chipping blue old Ford Station Wagon. at least, with the bike, I could try to get there earlier and hide it. I rode that bike and I could hear that rusty chain...the gears didn't work too well and I always seem to get stuck on the highest hardest gear. There were some hilly blocks and I hated them. It took a lot of effort especially with my twitchy leg....but rode to the library I did... And I'd get there early. I didn't park my bike at the bike racks. I took it to the park across the street and chained it to a tree. Then I'd walked in through the front door and looked out the back, because that's where her parents' car would drive up to... at times, if the other girl showed up early, I'd get irritated because she'd wanted to get to work right away....but all I wanted....was to wait and watch for Nicohl...and to be ready when she'd get there... ready for what? I had no idea...just to be ready... I always would write notes of what I wanted to say to her, rehearse it a thousand times in my mind but never would I say it... During the times that we'd spent working on the project. It was the two girls that would talk and chat more and that I would just listen and do the work. But I liked it like that, in a way. The library was never crowed. Sometimes, it would just be the three of us; Even better when the other girl had to go to the bathroom (I always wished she'd fall in or something) then it'd just be the two of us... one day, the other girl didn't show up...it was just me and Nicohl... We were there for close to two hours... that two hours was the longest and the shortest time in my life at that time... it was the longest because it was amazing...it rained that day, the library was unusually quiet..it was just the two of us... and the librarian actually asked us if we would mind if she could turn on some music. And she didn't play some old when the moon whacked your eyes like a big pizza pie...she played top 40 hits on the radio... It felt like a dream, as if there mists around me and a unicorn would be appear at any minute now..."The them song from 'The Greatest American Hero'" came on the radio and we both were humming it and then we looked at each other and smiled. it was magical...I think at one point I just stared at her like the RCA dog...(yes, with my head tilted). In that two hours, many a times I wanted to tell her how I felt about her.... I wanted to tell her how I loved to see her smile. How seeing her smile made me feel...I wanted to tell her that she is and would be the only girl that I would ever love...I wanted to tell her that if the earth shook and the mountains came crashing down, I would hover over her and stand over her and be her cover and protect her til eternity... you know, young teenage boy stuff who's read too many romantic novels...but I was sure I was sincere about it...she was all I thought about (aside from wanting to be handsome, mind you) the two hours was too short because all of a sudden, it just ended...just like that...no warning or nothing...her mom came in to pick her up... it was pouring out there... she asked me if I wanted a ride home. Both of them did... A million yes's poured out of my heart and stopped right at my throat.... I could only shake my head and thank them gratefully and told them that my father would be picking me up... they offered once again, sincerely, and I almost accepted...but I was ashamed...not only about myself but where I lived. I lived right on the poverty line... Also, I knew that I couldn't let that bike get wet and left overnight out there by that tree. There were still another week left on the project...I needed that bike... That ride home was wet....very wet....but it was a joy ride for me...I had spent almost two hours with someone that I "loved" alone and nothing that day was going to stop me... It was also a Friday and that weekend, I replayed that two hours over and over in my head...I relived every moment of it that I could think of...and my only wish was that I would've had enough courage to tell her how I felt... somehow, with all my low-self esteem....she never really made me felt, little...only I was doing that to myself...I knew I had nothing over Chuck, who was strong, good looking and muscular and on the swimming team...the best I could do was chess club where all the geeks discuss Queen to C-7... That following Monday, I came down with the fever... It's funny how I would've find any excuse to not to go to school usually, but I got dressed and got on my bike and I rode it to school. I didn't tell my parents about my fever. They were too busy...it was another hard night and hard day for them... I got to school, Nicohl wasn't there...I went to the library after school, she wasn't there...just the OTHER girl... I went home, too...left the "OTHER" girl to work on the project all by herself. I am sure I didn't contribute well to her self-esteem...she probably thought I hated her or something...but back then, I was too insensitive to care and let it mattered... that ride home was hell....I was so sick....as soon as I made it home. I got sicker...my parents finally found out and I was "grounded" the next few days... the two girls finished up the project but graciously enough put my name along with theirs as well and we presented the project. I really didn't do much except flipped the papers and did some mime stuff for comic relief...but we got away with an "A" and then, just like that...things went back to normal...except that my fuel and desire to tell Nicohl how I felt became even stronger... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ it's funny how when one has NO/Low self-esteem...they are more proned to believe in anything...especially the charlatans...the quacks that are actually quite smart and can puppeteer with your heart and soul... Around that time, I strongly believed in fate and destiny. I even went to have my palm read...Because I read so much up on it. I was looking for every sign... and all the "signs" and books I read including the "madam" soothsayer pointed to me that it was destiny that Nicohl and I were in that library alone that day and that we were both humming "The Greatest American Hero theme" as well as "The One that You love(Air Supply)" and that she offered to take me home. What rich girl would do that for a po' boy like me?? it was destined to be...the madam tells me as she flipped over one of them Terror(yes, I know it's tarot, LOL) Cards...and I handed her my 3 weeks worth of work money. $50.00 I wanted to believe that it was so destined that I ended up worshipping the idea... The stupid self-esteem problem popped up again and again... what about my eyes? Well, back to the duck tapes what about my nose? By then, I had came up with a unique way to straighten them out. I used two popsicle sticks and would have my nose fitted between them. Then I'd duck tape it together while I would hold the popsicle sticks and squeezed my nose between it...it hurted like Charle's Dicken's but I was quite proud of myself and almost believed that it was working? What about my acnes? I popped them and put witch hazel (my remedies at the time) over them that made them burned the only thing I didn't have an answer for were my tics...which were getting worse each day...but destiny was calling me... so, one day, on over 10 pieces of 8X11" papers...I poured my guts out..folded it into some kind of origami flower, put her name on it... I found her last name in the phone book. There were two names in the phone book. Both were on the same street but one further down. I seemed to recall that she mentioned her father's name once and I took a gamble that the one that sounded familiar was her house. Gosh, it was 50 some blocks from mine... something inside me also told me that my time was running out. For some reason, I knew that something was seriously wrong with me and that something seriously wrong was going to happen soon...and that I needed to get this note out to her. It could be my last chance to let her know how I'd felt... That night, after everyone fell asleep...and for the first time in my life...I snuck out on my bike with the note tucked inside my shirt rested against my chest... it was kind of cold that night but my blood was pumping hot...and I set out on my bike...and I rode....over 50 blocks... to drop off my destiny.... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (to be cont....) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I was going to call this thread: "Steam behind the S elfes" glad I could come up with a better title that isn't esoteric...LOL
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. . . . . . . . "you're entering, the . zone..."
Last edited by who moi; 08-14-2009 at 11:14 AM. |
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08-14-2009, 12:06 AM
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Grand Magnate
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"Ed's bladder is full and the path to the boy's room is in his near future, Confucious"
Well, I hope you got an "A" in creative note-writing! BIGGRINS!!! Glad to see you posting again, my friend. You can sit by me any ole time. 
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Rochelle . . I've lost my mind ... and I don't miss it! LIFE HAS NO REMOTE -- GET UP AND CHANGE IT YOURSELF! |
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08-14-2009, 06:55 AM
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Young Senior Elder Member
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 I'm wondering if you wrote that while lying down or if the boss had any idea that you weren't. Anxious for it to be continued...and then maybe I'll write about our "love affair" that began when Mr.Alffe & I stepped off an elevator to be greeted by huge Micky Mouse hands and dimples!
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08-14-2009, 07:32 AM
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Senior Member
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You really should write a book,you know.
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08-14-2009, 05:14 PM
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Magnate
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cant wait to read the conclusion....
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08-14-2009, 07:39 PM
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'Thanks' Button Team Community Member T.K.S.
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twinks,
I'll be honored to sit next to you anytime! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Alpho, LOL, you know me and da boss like our tapeworms...  OK, she doesn't have tapeworms but inchworms...LOLwell, I promised her I would go to bed at a decent hour. She finally came out at 3am and told me that she needs me to go to bed... I was planning on getting to bed early. I started writing this with a big smile on my face reminiscing about the past... I also started writing this because in reading on some of the members here that are struggling with low-self esteem right now and while I am not good at giving/dishing out advice. I feel like I can relate better by sharing my own experiences... as I wrote, I couldn't believe how much it had triggered me and how all sorts of different emotions came back out and how I ended up in tears... I had to stop, recollect, then came back and wrote as much as I could've before I had to stop again... I couldn't sleep rest of the night and today has been a long and busy day. (It was open house for kiddos' school and also the social workers were here evaluating) anyways, I think I'll sleep well tonight and tackle this another day...I really wanted to relate on how I have triumphed over low-self esteem...without sounding preachy or giving advice or offering the ultimate answers...just sharing what I know and what I've experienced... and of course, you probably know that already...my love affair with you started the day when I called you Alpho...*biggrin  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ barbo, for all that you've been through, your life's journey is book worthy....I haven't met you yet but I long to hug you and tell you how special you are to me/us already... ~~~~~~~~~~~ my dear Foogy... when I wrote this, Scott was on part of my mind....he turned out so well at such a young age...big part of that is because that he has an awesome mama... you once said that you wanted me to be Scott's mentor...I can now tell you that it is you and Scott, that have served as part of my mentors...to me... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I'll try to come back and finish this this weekend....and bore you guys to death with it....LOLOL It's good to relive the memories...good or bad....they have made me moved forward..in a positive fashion... ((((BIG HUGS)))) for the broom
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. . . . . . . . "you're entering, the . zone..."
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08-14-2009, 09:49 PM
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Member
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never stop posting...please
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| "Thanks for this!" says: | Alffe (08-15-2009), barbo (08-15-2009), da duck (08-14-2009), pearl girl (08-15-2009), tamiloo (08-15-2009), Twinkletoes (08-14-2009), who moi (08-15-2009) |
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08-15-2009, 07:58 AM
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Senior Member
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Quote:
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| "Thanks for this!" says: | Alffe (08-15-2009), da duck (08-15-2009), pearl girl (08-15-2009), tamiloo (08-15-2009), who moi (08-15-2009) |
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08-15-2009, 08:58 AM
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Magnate
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Moi how can it be continued, leaving me hanging like that....
 hoping I see the next one when posted... hugsss and glad you back, sarah
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. KEEP SMILING, LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO WEAR A FROWN!! . |
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08-15-2009, 10:35 AM
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Wisest Elder Ever
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I didn't want it to end!! I felt like I was there with you and Nichol.....in the library.....in the rain.....in school. You truly have a special talent. Thanks for choosing us to share it with.
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These forums are for mutual support and information sharing only. The forums are not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider. Always consult your doctor before trying anything you read here. |
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| "Thanks for this!" says: | Alffe (08-15-2009), barbo (08-15-2009), da duck (08-15-2009), pearl girl (08-15-2009), tamiloo (08-15-2009), Twinkletoes (08-16-2009), who moi (08-15-2009) |
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