waking up begins
and trouble in paradise
both my youngest
and my second youngest
sixteen and my thirty year old
both struggle with addiction
something that has touched all
of my family from a father amputee
as a young man work related
narcissistic mother
sexually inappropriate doings
to me and my middle sister
i the oldest
my youngest sister spared
although she was nine at the time
had her go into the bathroom while
he was preparing to dress in the nines
in his best was subjected to the gun
he used to kill himself
it sat on the toilet bowl
i had left home already
on my own no knowledge
of what i was going to do
told my shrink
"if i feel as badly the black hole
feeling of doom what was my father feeling
Robin Williams and his demons
i hurt so badly
and if i feel like i do
what could have been so bad
to make that decision"
and my shrink said things
i already knew what he was
saying
and then reality set in
it's not an option right now
i have a family that still need me
my granddaughter in my custody
as mom and now my youngest
are in NA to get back what was taken
only i too understand addiction
a recovering alcoholic twenty years plus
now my youngest celebrating thirty days
every member in one form or another are
functioning addicts
some on the wagon some still fighting
this terrible disease that plagues my lineage
is a terrible trap to be in add depression
another thing that plagues this family
too have fought my demons all my life
only time gives a person wisdom
only i can't shake my feelings and thoughts
but when in that zone and no sign of my brain
letting up
then to find a glimmer
of course my granddaughter
the light the future
odds against her already
with father and mother not doing well
is why i have her till mommy gets well
she needed to get out of the room she was renting
she pulls back painted wallpaper sent me the mold
the black mold
this i am very familiar with
a ten year fight with the landlord
he lost ownership deed to the criminal
way he allowed us to live with just one
of the hazard-est conditions we as tenants
were subjected to
point i know there were nine different mold
spores found
i and a fellow tenant
another single mom of three
fought evil and won
how can i not get her out of there
still in a ill way
it isn't an option
now how much more of this
terrible feeling i am experiencing
my shrink says
with the circumstances of my life
it and i know what he says is true
as i went through the its
it was almost inevitable
okay
but you see this feeling is so strong
to is work in itself and its exhausting
doing the best i can
i just don't know
how depression can be so difficult
to counter
i would do anything
just to feel happiness
the sadness is so deep
and as vast as the ocean
me