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08-28-2014, 12:16 PM | #8 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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waking up begins
and trouble in paradise both my youngest and my second youngest sixteen and my thirty year old both struggle with addiction something that has touched all of my family from a father amputee as a young man work related narcissistic mother sexually inappropriate doings to me and my middle sister i the oldest my youngest sister spared although she was nine at the time had her go into the bathroom while he was preparing to dress in the nines in his best was subjected to the gun he used to kill himself it sat on the toilet bowl i had left home already on my own no knowledge of what i was going to do told my shrink "if i feel as badly the black hole feeling of doom what was my father feeling Robin Williams and his demons i hurt so badly and if i feel like i do what could have been so bad to make that decision" and my shrink said things i already knew what he was saying and then reality set in it's not an option right now i have a family that still need me my granddaughter in my custody as mom and now my youngest are in NA to get back what was taken only i too understand addiction a recovering alcoholic twenty years plus now my youngest celebrating thirty days every member in one form or another are functioning addicts some on the wagon some still fighting this terrible disease that plagues my lineage is a terrible trap to be in add depression another thing that plagues this family too have fought my demons all my life only time gives a person wisdom only i can't shake my feelings and thoughts but when in that zone and no sign of my brain letting up then to find a glimmer of course my granddaughter the light the future odds against her already with father and mother not doing well is why i have her till mommy gets well she needed to get out of the room she was renting she pulls back painted wallpaper sent me the mold the black mold this i am very familiar with a ten year fight with the landlord he lost ownership deed to the criminal way he allowed us to live with just one of the hazard-est conditions we as tenants were subjected to point i know there were nine different mold spores found i and a fellow tenant another single mom of three fought evil and won how can i not get her out of there still in a ill way it isn't an option now how much more of this terrible feeling i am experiencing my shrink says with the circumstances of my life it and i know what he says is true as i went through the its it was almost inevitable okay but you see this feeling is so strong to is work in itself and its exhausting doing the best i can i just don't know how depression can be so difficult to counter i would do anything just to feel happiness the sadness is so deep and as vast as the ocean me
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