Quote:
Originally Posted by DannyT
Thank you so much to all who contributed ideas for me. You can't know how much this means to me. I am going to go through the ideas one by one and see what I am able to accomplish. I know that I still have some physical and mental limitations due to ongoing symptoms, but I hope to try each and one of these activities.
I struggle daily with questions like:
Will I ever be able to live my life again?
Do I deserve this?
What happened to all of my hopes and ambitions?
Will I be able to make it through the day?
What is the point in all of this?
Am I all alone in this nightmare?
These are not obsessive thoughts, but they run through my mind as I attempt to rest and I can't seem to shake them entirely. That is why I need to occupy with mind with something else.
These activities you all have suggested will help in cleansing my mind of these negative thoughts and hopefully allow me to regain some positive energy for me to push forward on my journey.
Please feel free to provide more ideas. And I will update you on what seems to be helping. I just finished my first guided meditation on YouTube which quickly brought me to tears as I released the negativity.
Thank you so much. I wish everyone a good day and the ability to achieve all the goals in your life that you have ever wanted.
-Dan
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It takes a lot of time but it does get better. Everything felt hopeless and I felt very suicidal at the beginning, but things got better around Christmas and in February (8 months) later, things really turned around for me. I still have somewhat worse days (right now), but I've gone through some incredibly creative days lately too. I improved a lot of software, came up with new and better software solutions to existing problems, spent whole days coding and drinking relatively lots of coffee, woke up several times early in the morning just to put great ideas that came to me in my dreams to code. Basically I've been getting out of my brain what I never thought it would give me and I want to say again, but this is all new--I think I'm a better coder than I've been before, and the headaches might have played a little bit of a positive role in that. I simplify a lot and focus on the essentials instead of getting lost in bells, whistles, and pointless complexities like I used to, and that makes me more productive and my code more maintainable and shareable, not to mention often faster.
Back to you.
>>>Will I ever be able to live my life again?
Yes. You have to come to grips with it, accept it, and move on.
>>>Do I deserve this?
No. I've often felt like "this never should have happened."
Life's not fair. Worse and much better things happened to people without them having much of a say in that. You have to accept the cards you've been dealt and start from where you are.
>>>What happened to my hopes and ambitions.
Give yourself a break for a while. You've been through some nasty stuff and life hasn't treated you so well, giving you an MTBI, so you might as well treat yourself nice and not beat yourself up. Hopes and ambitions will come back.
>>>Am I alone in this nightmare?
Forget about abstaining from electronics and find some connections online, if only passive where you just read or listen to about what some people have gone through. After this experience, I feel more connected to people around me than ever.
On Resting and Getting Depressed
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I remember I used to try to forcibly rest like you are, hoping that it would help me heal faster, but it would only make me more depressed and afraid I'd lose what I'm not using.
So I kept on trying to learn, write code, and design things regardless. I don't know if it slowed down my healing--it may well not have--the studies done on that often yield contradictory results (some suggest that mental effort is good)--but I think it was better than the alternative of being depressed.