Even though my drinking binges were triggered hypomania, I accept full responsibility. I'd tell myself I was stopping off for one, but history told me I'd be closing the bar every time. It was my choice to take that first drink. I knew what would happen, but the selfishness of alcoholism and hypomania made me disregard my husband's feelings. I got a DUI. I plead guilty. It was my decision to d/d.
But he takes every negative and multiplies it. In his mind, I was out every night for years on end, but this is FAR from the truth.

My husband has a firmly held belief that a husband and wife should sleep in the same bed and is still intensely angry that I was unable to keep a regular sleep schedule. Trazodone, Ambien, Melatonin, and low-dose Amatriptaline didn't work for me. I spent many nights awake, fell asleep on the couch, or slept late into the day. He was angry that I waited to run errands or do housework late. It went on for several years. I don't know how much of this was snow, depression, or lack of discipline. But he often lost his temper.
Since being d/c from the hospital in January I've taken great pains to maintain a regular sleep cycle. It was easy when I first got out, but when I wasn't medicated well when I was hypo/manic, I would try to lay in bed and pretend to sleep to appease him, but I would have to get up if I couldn't sit still... I'd get back into bed before his alarm went off. If he got up to pee and caught me out of bed I'd hear about it. He can't understand that you just can't sleep when you're like that.
Sleep is not a problem since I've started taking the 600mg dose of Serqouel, though. I'm on a regular schedule. Rather than giving me credit for working on and succeeding at something that is so important to him, he has berated me for the dysfunctional years. He's now imposed a 10pm bedtime for me.

He kicked me out after I went out drinking 2 nights in a row. He blames me for what I did to him.. leaving him... he suffered when I left. My actions did lead to his decision, but it was not my decision to leave. He kicked me out, and not peacefully. He doesn't see the distinction.
He thinks that I was having a grand old time when I left. Maybe I was. I was drunk for 4mo. According to hospital records, I was manic and psychotic when I attempted s/s. He doesn't want to hear why I did it, says he doesn't care. Perhaps it's for the best. You don't want to leave even part of that on anyone's doorstep.

I still struggle with the guilt and shame of my s/s attempt. I was very sick, but I was so calm and calculated. I planned it for days beforehand and I was sober. Maybe it's different for everyone, but for me, it was nothing like it's portrayed in movies. With that much executive function intact, I don't know if I can give mania 100% of the credit.

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My husband decided not to brush the fight under the rug when he came home from work on Friday- surprising.
I told him it was time for him to start recognizing all of me and to view our marriage as a whole... His temper was leading him to paint a black picture of everything... It was eating away at me and I was tired of it. And it was eating away at him, too.

He said he constantly thinks of these things, but thought that I was walking around thinking that our separation never happened. I assured him that wasn't the case, and asked him how he expected me to behave since we were trying to start over. He said he had never considered that, apologized, and said that he would try to work on his temper. He was true to his word this weekend.

Sorry for the book,

Kay