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Member
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 214
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Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 214
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I'm also about 20 months in, and while I've certainly had some improvement, I'm still struggling quite a bit. After taking about 9 months off of graduate school I resumed last February, and have been plugging along at a much reduced pace and intensity, not making the kind of progress I need to make. My advisor and committee have been supportive, but I'm not really being a good graduate student, and that's becoming more and more apparent.
I've been feeling a bit worse the past month or so, which has brought me back into grieving the loss of my former self. I seem fairly stuck here, in this mode of grieving. It sort of drifts to the sidelines when I'm feeling relatively better, but the source of that grief is always there - the fact that I just don't like who I am right now and the circumstances of my life. I feel like I've reluctantly accepted that this is where I am now, that I can't do all the things I used to and that I hopefully will in the future, but I don't know how to not, at least periodically, dwell on how much my life has changed for the worse.
I guess I just don't know how to move beyond grief. I feel like I have fits and starts to get past it, and do OK for a while, but it just comes crashing down again eventually. Dr. Roberts Stoler's book talks about the importance of grieving the loss of self and suggests things like holding a funeral for yourself, the idea of which just seems so repugnant to me, but I clearly haven't been able to move past this grief. I guess I can't even imagine what it would be like to just accept that the old me is totally gone and not look back, only forward, acknowledging that I can't be in the world like I used to.
Sorry for rambling, just been extra down lately.
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26 year-old PhD student in evolutionary biology, slipped on ice in Feb 2014 while clipping my fingernails and walking to save time (dumbest reason for PCS ever?). Initially just had headaches and didn't feel quite right, but a minor head bump 5 days later started a downward spiral of anxiety, depression, insomnia and fatigue. Had trouble concentrating on reading/looking at screens
April 2014 - did exertion test, passed, started exercising and doing more, but didn't feel much better.
May 2014 - Went on backpacking trip OK'd by doctor, trip itself went fine, but felt worse a few days after getting back, more difficulty concentrating, worse headaches.
June 2014 - Bumped head on ceiling walking slowly down stairs, no immediate symptoms, but caused worsening headahces, more difficulty concentrating and looking at screens. Have not felt as good as I did before this since this bump.
December 2014 - after feeling relatively better I went xc skiing and fell but didn't hit my head (something my psychologist who specializes in brain injuries told me he hoped would happen so I saw it was OK), felt worse
Feb 2015 - back in grad school, light teaching load and some research, nowhere close to operating at my full capacity. Still have constant headaches, difficulty reading/looking at screens, mild anxiety and depression, and just not feeling like my normal sharp self.
Trying, but struggling, to believe that I'll get back to my old self, or at least get close.
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